Mindless Ones

 

Forty years I been a blurb-writer y’know? My father before me was a blurb-writer and his father before him. And he started the blurb-writers union and all – every blurb-writer worth their salt still talks in hush tones about the blurb riots of 1933. Wouldn’t have the rights we do today without my grandfather and his mates. It’s in the blood is what I’m saying. If you cut me, do I not blurb. Heh.

But it’s a dying art. It’s dead to be honest. Got these new machines that can write a blurb in half the time, and no chance of a spelling mistake or a missed deadline. Oh sure they don’t read the same, but when the bosses see those bottom line figures, you think they care? And the readers hardly notice, that’s the real kicker. In too much of a hurry to get to the content. Click the link, access the content. Content, content content. Well what about conTEXT is what I say? What’s the point. You probably aren’t even reading this anyway. Oh well. Sorry grandpa…I’m trying. I’m trying to do you proud. Once more unto the breach…

<ITEM> HA! A new SILENCE! and it’s only been a week? What is this – a regular schedule or something??

<ITEM> Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die hold hands and do their merry aural dance for your ears only. Bit of Dadmin, some righteous Sponsorship, Gary’s Birthday and the Beast recounts his adventures in going VIRAL!

<ITEM> Reviewniverse shenanigans ensue with talky-talks of Fence, the DC House of Horror special, Bob Godfrey, 2000AD, Indigo Prime, Revere, John Smith, Captain America, Generation Gone, Not Brand Echhh and more, dammnit so much more. Also features some live John Constantine-ing.

<ITEM> I Reckymend features Paul Verhoeven’s brilliant Elle and the latest Adam Buxton Podcast.

And that really is, my friends, the end.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

 

HHKHRrrrhhhHtttchhhhh…HHHHWWWWRAAALLLPPPSSH

*kaff*

Sorry. Had to clear that hairball. That’ll teach me to lick Lockjaw’s blanket.

Hoo-hah! It’s only anuvver faakin’ SILENCE! innit bruv? With those two town gadaboouts Gary Lactus and the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed Beast Must Die! Double barrelled. You are the quarry.

<ITEM> Admin, admin, ‘oo wants admin? Featuring  Dadmin, and Paul Reiser’s autobiography?

<ITEM> Tales of Halloween, with The Beast Must Die and Lord Nuneaton Savage’s horror marathon. Featuring Rituals, Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight and The Comeback.

<ITEM> SILENCE! Because The Film Has Started features Gary Lactus on Thor: Ragnarok and TBMD on Wonder Woman. Films mate. We shit ’em.

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse opens it’s greedy maw and welcomes the pair in to talk some honest to goodness comics. Including The Lakes Festival Spirit Special, Black Crown Quarterly, CUD: The comic, Mister Miracle, Philippa Rice’s Soppy and probably some other stuff as well.

<ITEM> Only 5 items or less in this queue.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

MY NAME IS CHIP AND I’M DIFFERENT

Bit of a change of pace here dear listenoids. While Gary Lactus tutors Little Barry Lactus in the ways of cosmic righteousness, The Beast takes a solo sojourn into the 4-colour wastelands outside your window, till he finds himself knee deep in the comics slurry. There he encounters none other than Tom Oldham, of Breakdown Press and Gosh Comics.

The two proceed to have a nice long chat about the origins of Breakdown Press, and their newest release, the long awaited Good News Bible: The Complete Deadline Strips of Shaky Kane. It’s a rambling, yet laser-focused conversation taking in Deadline, 2000AD, Brett Ewins, Nick Abadzis, Bulletproof Coffin, Connor Willumsen, Fort Thunder, Michel DeForge, Steve Cook, music and comics, Beserker Magazine, Jonathan Chandler, Antoine Cosse, the comics virus, David Quantick, Richard Short, David Hine, Crossed, Worthing and a whole heap more.

It’s two hours of high qualidee chad, and you know you want it.

WARNING: Contains no discussion of My Two Dads

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

JUST ONE TIME I’D LIKE TO SEE EVERYONE SMILE, I GUESS IT WON’T HAPPEN, NOT FOR A WHILE

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water…you realised that you’d only just finished eating quite a stodgy lunch and if you went for a swim there’d be a good chance that you’d get a jolly nasty stitch. At best you’d have a very uncomfortable swim, at worst things could get dicey.

Oh and there’s a f*ck off great big shark in there with a grudge. Might want to give that one a swerve.

<ITEM> You lucky lucky people. You get not one, but TWO goshdurned podcasts today!

<ITEM> Firstly there’s the SILENCE! section. Just good old Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die shooting the breeze. Terrible shots they are though so once again the breeze gets away free. Plus – who’s that there? A very special new guest…

<ITEM> My Two Dads – the comic

<ITEM> A review of the Defenders? Sort of…

<ITEM> A sideways jaunt into the Reviewniverse, dealing with Mister Miracle and Joe Matt’s Peep Show. Plus Squirrel Girl (spoiler = he liked it, it was good)

<ITEM> Then, for part two you get a bonus new podcast Walker’s Crisps, aka Trisps aka In The Bag, wherein Gary Lactus and special US guest Michael Walker eat crisps together. For humanity’s soul.

YOU WANNA GET INTO IT BOY!

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

MY NAME IS IVOR, I’M AN ENGINE DRIVER

Comics? Comics? We don’t need those stinking comics!

<ITEM> They’re back, and they just can’t stop telling people that they’re in LOVE! It’s Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die return from the bearhunt, ripped, randy and raring to podcast. Are you ready for SILENCE!??

<ITEM> Look, I’m not going to waste your time – this is easily the most discursive, digressive, rambly episode in a long while as the boys seem determined to avoid talking about comics. Along the way though they manage to incorporate Lars Von Trier’s Top Cat, The Five Obstructions, Dancer In The Dark, SILENCE to Astonish LIVE at Thought Bubble 2017, David Lynch: The Art Life, Daredevil season 2 (audio version), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (audio), Universal Soldier: Resurrection, Gun Mobiles, Supersonic, Michael Fleischer’s Steve Ditko’s Oasis Comic, SDCC News, Arkham Asylum 2, Dave McKean, Photocopied clocks, Squirrel Girl, Dr Strange, ESCAPE issue 10, the birth of maturity, Stray Bullets, Bernie Mireault’s The Jam, American Splendor, Shade The Changing Girl, Mystery In Space, Captain Victory, Silver Star and a whole rambalicious slew more. Dive in why don’t you, and grab yourself some treasure…

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

WE’RE SO SORRY, UNCLE ALBERT

Hadrian-like, The Beast returns erecting a psychic wall between the listeners and their memories of the recent Scottish invasion. That’s right, it’s a  ‘Classic’ SILENCE! with those stodgy old pros Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die.

<ITEM> Fake pleasantries, artfully inserted Sponsorship and a bit more discussion about Small Press Day 2017. A ‘classic’ meat and potatoes intro.

<ITEM> A bit of proper Sadmin as The Beast eulogises recently departed horror auteur George A Romero.

<ITEM> Hot topix section alert! There’s a new Doctor Who in town. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE SECRET?? Hot-takes like hot-cakes – ALL HERE!

<ITEM> Finally – finally – the Reviewniverse is breached. Thar she blows! Al Ewing’s Rocket is discussed and then there’s a nice long digressionary ramble about autobio comics, taking in King Cat Comics, Joe Matt, Billy, Me & You, Robert Crumb, James Kochalka and The Cleaner.

A few audio fumbles and then it’s a hop, skip and a jump off to la-lal-land. Did I mention how CLASSIC (classic) this all is??

Ta-ta!

@silencepod
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

I AM ALWAYS HIGH, I AM ALWAYS LOW, THERE IS ALWAYS CHANGE

‘Oo told you to come and see me then? Eric the Mouth was it?  Bloody chancer that Eric, always sendin’ hopeless my cases my way. Finkin’ I got the time to sort out every knoc-kneed tosspot ‘oo comes blinkin’ into my lock up. Oh yeah, course I got a lot of quality gear in this place, all sorts. Got everything you might want actually.  Course there’s a price though in there? What kind of businessman would I be if I din’t ask for a proper price? So you seen what you need ave ya…? Yeah, thought you might’a done. No, no, you put yer wallet away. Don’t want cash for what I’m sellin’, no no. I want something a bit more precious. Bit more valuable.

If you get my drift?

<ITEM> Welcome listenoids, to the newest, chewiest, brouhaha that is SILENCE! The Beast Must Die & Gary Lactus are here to bring you nourishing comics podcasting to see you through this warm, sticky patch.

<ITEM> Sponsorships set out on the choppy seas of Admin, looking to bring us back treats and treasures. Also: The Mini-Beast Speaks!

<ITEM> SILENCE!…Because The Film Has Started, with Gary Lactus weeping actual tears for the kindness in Wonder Woman‘s heart. Also, The Beast talks up Twin Peaks: The Return, in particular Laura Dern.

<ITEM> Finally it’s time to squeeze our svelte figures into the tight-fitting lycra of The Reviewniverse. Comics covered include Slasher, Jimmy’s Bastards, Dark Days: The Forges, DKIII: The Master Race, Black Hammer, Bug, Squirrel Girl, Peter Bagge’s Sweat Shop and more, oh so very much more…

<ITEM> Finally we have I Recky-mend by The Beast, with the Tony Law episode of The Comedican’s Comedian. 

And then we’re done, like old slow dog’s lying in the sun.

@silencepod
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

At the end of the day, when the lonely trumpet sounds its mournful note, and you’re finally called to account for yourself; when you’re making the case that yes, damnnit, yes I did deserve to be here; that all the mindless consumption and waste, the hours spent idling, all the petty thoughts, insecurities and jealousies, all of it could be justified because didn’t we just create the greatest, the finest, the absolute zenith of podcasts? Didn’t we do that? And doesn’t that make it okay? All the tears, the loneliness and the broken dreams…it makes it okay doesn’t it?

Well doesn’t it?

HA HA HA!! It’s time for SILENCE!

<ITEM> It’s the ultimate classic team of Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die – it’s like putting on a pair of tatty old piss-stained jeans isn’t it. SO COMFORTABLE

<ITEM> There’s some SponSORship (check my weird enunciation) featuring special guest star Charles ‘CHUCK FORCE’ Forsman. Also some admin, including a review of the recent  Comic Pop-up in Brighton. There’s probably some other hot nonsense in there too.

<ITEM> Have you seen the SILENCE! Facebook group? It’s where all the pretty young things are hanging out, just waiting to be noticed. It;s right here

<ITEM> That gum you like is stuck to your backside. It’s a quick chat about the Twin Peaks: The Return, although for your detailed anal cysts, head to Diane.

<ITEM> Finally! Comics! Inserting themselves deftly into the pillowy comforts of the Reviewniverse, the pugnacious pairsome talk about Corey Lews’ Sun Bakery, Your Black Friend,  All New Ultimates, Shaolin Cowboy, $ Kids Walk Into a Bank, Curse Words, Squirrel Girl, and proabably some other jibber-jabber too.

<ITEM? Some last minute Backmin, with a heads up about this:

@silencepod
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@theQuietusFilm
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

THERE’S A MESSAGE TO YOUR MOVEMENTS THAT REALLY GETS MY GOAT

Look, don’t stare at me like that. I don’t have a blurb for you ok? I mean it, stop making those sad eyes at me! I ran out of blurbs ages ago and I’m sure as sugar not going to just rustle up something right here and now! I’m not some johnny-come-blurbly! If I choose to do another blurb it’ll be on my terms. I will not be strong-armed or emotionally blackmailed. My blurb, my rules!

The ol’ classic team, back in the game, two for two, in a blaze of dust and feathers. Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die, bringing you a SILENCE! the likes of which you’ve never heard. I mean apart from the previous 222 times of course.

<ITEM> Sponsorhips passing in the night, some truly 1st class admin and a whole lot of kerlassic bants.

<ITEM>SILENCE!…Because The Film Has Started features Guardians Of The Galaxy 2 (aka Space Friends 2), Dr Strange and X-Men: Apocalypse (now).

<ITEM>Eventually the pair drag their time-ravaged carcasses into the Reviewniverse, and turn their Care-Bear like love beams towards Coady & The Creepies, Slasher, Stray Bullets: Sunshine & Roses, American Splendor, Mark Kozelek, Amazon Reviews, Comics International, E for Evolution, Convergence: Shazam and mo’ mo’ mo’ including a very special Joe Decie’s Collecting Sticks Amazon Review review.

And don’t forget…

@silencepod
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@theQuietusFilm
@kellykanayama
[email protected]