Mindless Ones

I’VE BECOME A GIANT, I FILL EVERY STREET

y’know yer my besssht pal, y’know? I love you mate, I rilly rilly…love you. Yer a real pal. Besht mates. Thass what we are. Besh..besht. I know, I know I’ve had few…a few beersh but..iss still true, yknow? Me ‘n’ you…we’ve bin through a lot y’know? But we’re shtill..besht…besht,..

*HWWWRRARRRRRAAAAAALLLPPH*

Ohhh…ohh. shorry man….shorry about yer…yer shoes…

So whaddya shay pal? Can you help out an old out-of-work…hic…blurb writer?

<ITEM> It’s a brand spanking new spanking in the form of SILENCE!, the world’s premier weekly lifestyle podcast. Join Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die as they lead you down the merry country lanes of comics chat and easy bonhomie. A veritable tonic in this sea of hideousness.

<ITEM> Some classic sponsorship, some legendary admin, and most likely a bit of dadmin

<ITEM> Tip-toe…through the Reviewniverse…as the podpals  take on Grant Morrison’s Green Lantern, Mister Miracle and the Punisher

<ITEM>  We interrupt the Reviewniverse for some urgent Sadmin, with the passing of the legendary Stan Lee!

<ITEM> We detour from the Sadmin into a bit of Cudmin, with Gary Lactus’ tales of going to see the erstwhile band Cud live, and then the Beast regales a tale of going to see an exhibition of Chris ‘Mauretania’ Reynolds art.

<ITEM> Then we pivot back to the Reviewniverse for some last comics morsels, with The Fantastic Four and The Many Deaths of The Batman. Phew! We’re through the Looking Glass here people!!!

THE END!

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

Ah, podcasting. The oldest profession. Since the dawn of time began throughout history it has been podcasters who have kept us warm and fed our children. In some ancient cultures podcasters were revered, even worshipped as living gods. Of course today the podcaster occupies the lowest tier of respectability alongside estate agents, prostitutes and Piers Morgan but where would we be without them? Surely dead.

This issue Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die manage to fit in some time for you, generously allowing you to listen in on them talking about Small Press Day, the Kinder Egg scandal that no one is talking about and the collector gene.

Then it’s off to Outpost Reviewniverse for Dice Man Comic, Proxima Centauri, Slasher, Mister Miracle, Bloodstrike Brutalists, By Night, Oblivion Song, Neil Gaiman’s Helblazer, Sandman, Howard Chaykin’s The Shadow, Chester Brown’s Little Man and The Weather Man

Finally there’s some Rekkymend from Gary Lactus of Liam Williams’s Pls Like and The Beast Must Die has seen Black Panther.

You’re welcome.

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

Hi there, this is Callum, I’m the new intern here at SILENCE! My first real task is to write a blurb for Gary and The Beast. I’ll try to do as good a job as I can because I love SILENCE! and the Mr. Die and Mr. Lactus have promised me a well paid job if I perform well. They’re great guys and are always joshing and laughing. They laughed loads when they told me about all the money I’ll be making here at SILENCE! after my 4 year apprenticeship comes to an end. So first we start with a song lyric.
I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT OH LORD
Hope they like that one, it’s one of my granpa’s faves.

Then it’s basically a list of the things they talked about in the episode but you have to make it interesting somehow as the blurb is the most important part of the podcast; everyone reads it and it’s really important. So, my brilliant bosses did a really great episode of SILENCE! this week. They did lots of really funny talking and are great guys. I liked it when they talked about sponsorship and the very exciting special 250th issue of SILENCE! which is just around the corner. I liked it when Mr. Die talked about Maria Bamford and Mr. Lactus talked about Daniel Kitson. Then I liked it when SILENCE! Because the Film Has Started with Thor: Ragnarok and Black Panther and Lake Mungo.

Then I liked it when The Reviewniverse with Mister Miracle and Ice Cream Man and Crawl Space and By This Shall You Know Him and Vampironica and Dry County and Tailgunner Jo then I liked it when it ended and then I went home for tea.

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

BUT DON’T DESPAIR, THIS DAY WILL BE THEIR DAMNEDEST DAY

Nah, nah. Nope. Nu-uh. No way. Noooooooo sirreeeee. Nup. No-ew. Nein, Not in the slightest. No thanks. Nup.

Not feeling this blurb today.

No.

<ITEM> It’s a magical week boys and girls! A special week. A SILENCE! week! And Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die are here to build a city of comics for you to all live in.

<ITEM> Look I’m not even going to mess around – this is some seriously digressive ish. I mean…do these boys really think that this is anyway to run a podcast? Oh well – once more unto the breach…

<ITEM> Some cursory sponsorship, some in-depth discussion of Jamie Oliver and Sunday Brunch, and a bit of Dadmin. Then The Beast ushers in another ker-lassic episode of SILENCE!…Because the Film Has Started talking about Coherence, The Autopsy of Jane Doe and Kong of Skull Island.

<ITEM> Dragging their heels, the sadsack pair find themselves in the snowy wastes of the Anti-Reviewniverse! Then normal service resumes and they hit the Reviewniverse. ‘Discussed’ are Sooner or Later, Deadline, Jamie Hewlett, Nick Abadzis’ Dream Logic, Skidmarks by Ilya, Tundra, Tales From The Hyperverse, Hastings, Mister Miracle, 2000AD Christmas special, and somehow more.

Jeez that’ll do won’t it?

<ITEM>

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

BY THE TIME WE GOT TO OSLO, THE SNOW WAS GONE

My New Year’s Resolution:

1) Write better blurbs

Ok…let’s… Ok. No wait. Here we go…no. Wait. I GOT IT! It’s… No hold on. Ummm.

Ok. Scrap that. Can I make a different resolution.

My New Year’s Resolution (Take 2):

1) Quit this blurb-writing gig and get a real job.

<ITEM> It’s a new day, it’s a new year, it’s a new life…and I’m feeling POD! It’s the first SILENCE! Of 2018 and it arrives wearing a top hat, spats and little else! Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die bring you a timely festive edition to warm your coals. HO HO HO (sshhhhh).

<ITEM> Seasonal sponsorship, Christmas admin and standard festive cheer? All here. Presents are compared and there’s some chat about Judge Dredd Complete Case Files v29, 2000AD Sci-Fi specials, Misty, The Gosh Comics 50% Sale, Ian Miller’s Swamp Thing and the wonderful Paperbacks From Hell..

<ITEM> Head to the Reviewniverse with your giddy hosts as they talk the light fantastic about The Leopard from Lime St, Klaus: The Crisis In Xmasville, Doom Patrol, Shade The Changing Girl, Parasdiso, Mister Miracle, X-Men: Grand Design, Jack Kirby’s 2001, Assassinistas and probably something I’ve forgotten.

<ITEM> Yule be sorry! HA

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

 

HHKHRrrrhhhHtttchhhhh…HHHHWWWWRAAALLLPPPSSH

*kaff*

Sorry. Had to clear that hairball. That’ll teach me to lick Lockjaw’s blanket.

Hoo-hah! It’s only anuvver faakin’ SILENCE! innit bruv? With those two town gadaboouts Gary Lactus and the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed Beast Must Die! Double barrelled. You are the quarry.

<ITEM> Admin, admin, ‘oo wants admin? Featuring  Dadmin, and Paul Reiser’s autobiography?

<ITEM> Tales of Halloween, with The Beast Must Die and Lord Nuneaton Savage’s horror marathon. Featuring Rituals, Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight and The Comeback.

<ITEM> SILENCE! Because The Film Has Started features Gary Lactus on Thor: Ragnarok and TBMD on Wonder Woman. Films mate. We shit ’em.

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse opens it’s greedy maw and welcomes the pair in to talk some honest to goodness comics. Including The Lakes Festival Spirit Special, Black Crown Quarterly, CUD: The comic, Mister Miracle, Philippa Rice’s Soppy and probably some other stuff as well.

<ITEM> Only 5 items or less in this queue.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

JUST ONE TIME I’D LIKE TO SEE EVERYONE SMILE, I GUESS IT WON’T HAPPEN, NOT FOR A WHILE

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water…you realised that you’d only just finished eating quite a stodgy lunch and if you went for a swim there’d be a good chance that you’d get a jolly nasty stitch. At best you’d have a very uncomfortable swim, at worst things could get dicey.

Oh and there’s a f*ck off great big shark in there with a grudge. Might want to give that one a swerve.

<ITEM> You lucky lucky people. You get not one, but TWO goshdurned podcasts today!

<ITEM> Firstly there’s the SILENCE! section. Just good old Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die shooting the breeze. Terrible shots they are though so once again the breeze gets away free. Plus – who’s that there? A very special new guest…

<ITEM> My Two Dads – the comic

<ITEM> A review of the Defenders? Sort of…

<ITEM> A sideways jaunt into the Reviewniverse, dealing with Mister Miracle and Joe Matt’s Peep Show. Plus Squirrel Girl (spoiler = he liked it, it was good)

<ITEM> Then, for part two you get a bonus new podcast Walker’s Crisps, aka Trisps aka In The Bag, wherein Gary Lactus and special US guest Michael Walker eat crisps together. For humanity’s soul.

YOU WANNA GET INTO IT BOY!

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

Still fired up from February’s discussion of what’s worth watching on American TV, Mindless twinset Mark (Amypoodle) and Adam (Adam) have written an Experts Guide to HBO’s ‘True Detective’ and weird comic book fiction for Comic Alliance.

There’s a lot of great stuff about Alan Moore, Grant Morrison, H.P. Lovecraft and Thomas Ligotti in that post – if you’ve read any of Mark or Adam‘s stuff before, you’ll know what to expect, and if not you’re going to enjoy finding out!

I don’t usually deal in the sort of criticism that tries to find the spirit of our time in this or that piece of pop culture detritus, but for the past few years I’ve felt smothered by four little words – THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE! – and every time I see or hear a variation on that theme, there’s only one face I see.

No point in trying to keep the bastard stuck in a corner anymore.  You can only fight him off for so long, you know?

It’s time to let Darkseid out of the box:

This is the way, step inside.