Mindless Ones

YOU’RE JUST TOO TOO OBSCURE FOR ME, YOU DON’T REALLY GET THROUGH TO ME

OVER HERE!  MAN ON!  IN THE BOX!  CROSS IT  ONTO MY HEAD MY OLD SUNSHINE! WHAT WAS THAT?!  WHERE ARE YOUR SPECS, REF?!

Ah, Footblurb.  The beautiful game.

<ITEM>WELL, THIS WAS A MASSIVE PAIN IN THE ARSE TO EDIT!

<ITEM>Having said that, it was a delight for The Beast Must Die and Gary Lactus to welcome Dan Cox and John Riordon for a reasonably informal wag of chins.

<ITEM>But it’s not entirely informal, as Danny and Johnny, the Hitsville Brothers tell us tales of their experiences of running the Hitsville UK Kickstarter.  

<ITEM>Inevitably, everything falls apart as the SILENCE!#295 experience becomes one of listening in to the rambling chat of the four men on the table next to yours.  What kind of men are these?  What drives them?  What interests them?  Well, in short:  Jeff Bezos, their children’s relationships with super heroes, cosplay families, their dream Strontium Dog TV show and the music documentaries King Rocker, The Chills: The Triumph And Tragedy Of Martin Phillips and the Tina Turner doc, Tina.  Oh, and Timmy Capello.

<ITEM>Anyone read any comics?  Well sort of.  There’s talk of Danny Hitsville’s Chris Claremont Completion Crusade, Paul Jon Milne’s Grave Horticulture, the forthcoming Pocket Chiller Speckle and Ash, Gareth Brookes’ The Dancing Plague, Gareth Hopkins‘ Ghosts In Things, LDN by Ramzee, Jim Woodring’s Jabba The Hutt and Thriller.

<ITEM>Finally there’s some reckymends, namely List Off, Three Bean Salad, The Office US, Laser Fart and, (as usual) Chart Music.

<ITEM> In long:

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NOW IS THE TIME AND THE TIME IS NOW FOR OUR CHILDREN TO ASK FOR THE WORLD, LIFE’S UNREASONABLE, DEMAND THE IMPOSSIBLE

DID YOU KNOW?  Sharks can smell London from space!

DID YOU KNOW?  If you remove the sax breaks from every 80s song, the 80s actually only last for 7 years!

DID YOU KNOW?  This is actually a blurb!

<ITEM> It’s another episode of SILENCE!.  You know the sort of thing to expect.  Lots of talk about Hanson.

<ITEM> The Beast Must Die unboxes a load of stuff in a very special The Beast Unboxes

<ITEM>  Gary Lactus has also picked up a Lorne Bomb.

<ITEM>  Come with us to Reviewniverse, with The Young Lawyers, LOEG Tempest, Monsters, Girl and Silverblade of course.

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I’LL SAVE MY BREATH AND TAKE IT WITH ME, TIL A HUNDRED YEARS OR SO

Blurbs.  Does anyone actually read them?  The Beast must Die created this format for the SILENCE! show notes and it has become a hated chore for whoever is unfortunate enough to be creating it.  Am I just typing into a void?  Tell you what, if you’re reading this, let us know by writing the secret phrase, “OH DEAR LORD MY GUTS ARE FULL OF SQUID!” and tweeting us, emailing to us or posting it on the Facebook page.  Thanks.

<ITEM> The Beast Must Die is back to save Christmas a full eight months early.

<ITEM> The Beast has got naked and gone bathing in a world of eased restrictions, rubbing dusty old comics all over himself.  Full report inside.

<ITEM>  Gary Lactus has a great new business idea.

<ITEM>  Come with us to Reviewniverse, with The Union, The Spiral Cage and 2000AD‘s Summer Offensive featuring Judge Dredd, Big Dave, Slaughter Bowl, Really and Truly and Maniac 5 of course.

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Broken partings making strange goodbyes.  Hopeless cases with fake alibis

This is your blurb.  Deal with it, yeah?

<ITEM> Get excited because this SILENCE! is a The Beast Must Die Solo Special!  By that we mean The Beast is extremely busy and off on his own, working hard and, crucially, not appearing on this podcast.

<ITEM> Nevertheless, Gary Lactus loves to party (alone in his car like sad, middle aged man who is wondering where it all went wrong) so he’s invited some top guests to fool around with and have a really great time.

<ITEM> What’s that sound of creaking gears and whining servos?  Why, it’s Spare 5 who, although not a real boy, has real things to say about David Lapham’s Silverfish and the film, Psycho II whilst Gary moans about superheroes in general.

<ITEM>  Douglas Noble comes along to talk about Pocket Chillers and Tarzan.  Interesting to note that Douglas danced part of a 1980 Legs And Co routine continuously throughout recording.  Of course, this is an audio-only presentation and doesn’t come accross when listening.  Shame, he’s quite good.

<ITEM>  Maid Of Nails aka Kelly Kanayama sings some of her hits in between talk about Hellblazer: Royal Blood, Royalty, Amateur Demonology, Garth Ennis and A Walk Through Hell.  Oh, and a Korean Drama which might be called Worlds Apart or something like that.

<ITEM> Finally Tom Mortimer provides the weird, human cherry on top of this cocktail made from old, found booze which tastes surprisingly pleasant.  I mean, this is mostly bullshit but there’s some stuff about Blue And Green, Severed and Skrull Kill Crew in there.

<ITEM>LISTEN!

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WELL THEY LOOK SO GOOD I WANNA EAT ‘EM, AND THEY TASTE SO GOOD i GET TO NEED ‘EM

Okay, I want you to split into two teams. Now you guys are the red team, and you guys are team two. Now, everyone in the blue team needs to split up into teams of one and practice the trust exercises I showed you earlier. Team One, I want you to elect a leader then shout any ideas that come into your head at them. There’s no bad ideas here, brown sky thinking but you have to do this in complete silence. Okay, now I want the green team to split into two groups then those groups who will be Team A and Team Seven. Those teams then need to split in two once more and those groups split in two again and agin until everyone is in Team Blood Red And Bisected Lying Dead On The Floor. I’m off to the staff room to watch pornography. And Richard? You write the blurb.

They said it could easily be done and they were right!  It’s SILENCE! #291!

<ITEM>Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die have both got into separate scrapes recently.  Listen to them tell you all about it in the new feature, SILENCE! Because The Internet’s A Prick!

<ITEM>SILENCE! (Because The Film’s Started). The Beast Must Die has seen a film and that film Justice League, The Snyder Cut.

<ITEM> Gary Lactus is now doing commissions so get in touch with him as he needs the money.

<ITEM>Come with us to Reviewniverse, with Pssst!, Kiss Of death by John Watkiss, The Eternals and Darker Image of course!

<ITEM>Buy Gary Lactus’ comics at frasergeesin.com.

<ITEM>Buy The Beast Must Die’s comics at milkthecat.wordpress.com.

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I ASKED THE ICE, IT WOULD NOT SAY BUT ONLY CRACKED OR MOVED AWAY

Daddy, I don’t want to write the blurb.
But you said you wanted to write the blurb.
I don’t want to write the blurb. I want to play with the train track.
Okay, I’ll set up the train track for you… There you go.
Daddy I don’t want to play with the train track.
But I just made the train track for you.
But I don’t want to play with the train track!
What do you want to do, then?
I want to write the blurb.

We said it would happen and here it is! SILENCE! 290!

<ITEM>Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die kick off this momentous recording with some of the finest chat on Earth, forged in the white hot heat of aimlessness then cooled in the pure waters of lockdown boredom then tempered with the hammer of pointlessness on the anvil of stretched metaphors. That is to say, they talk about John Cooper Clarke’s autobiography, I Wanna Be Yours, the Stan Lee biography, True Believer, Richard Herring’s Ball, King Rocker and Birds Of Prey.  Oh, and they totally forget to mention any sponsors but do remember to plug their new, Patreon-only podcast, Dan and Fraser’s Starlight Adventures!

<ITEM>BANG! AAAAARGH! Gary opens a Lorne Bomb!

<ITEM>Come with us to Reviewniverse, with Deadline, Keif Llama: Vectors, Huntress, Kraven The Last Hunt, Si Spencer and Grave Horticulture of course!

<ITEM>Listening time!

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THE GAME WILL NEVER BE OVER BECAUSE WE’RE KEEPING THE DREAM ALIVE

Oh my goodness gracious! Ugh! What’s that unholy stench? Oh, I see. It’s bloody Gary Lactus writing the blurb. Why’s HE writing the blurb? He’s crap at writing the blurb, (and he smells). Huh? It’s The Beast Must Die’s birthday?! And Gary’s special gift to his best pal is writing the blurb for him? Man, that’s a shit present! Is that literally all he’s doing for him? What a chundering arsehole! I’m glad I don’t have a “friend” like Gary Lactus.

Welcome dearest of listeners to the closest thing The Beast Must Die will get to a birthday Party. Here’s a special podcast for a very special boy.

<ITEM>There’a a luxuriously long preamble where your main characters talk merrily about Big Train, Look Around You and The Geesin Family Output, The Lovecraft Investigations, The Beef And Dairy Network and  Petscop. Oh, and The Beast reviews Gary Lactus’s Journey To The Surface Of The Earth #2, still interminably available from FraserGeesin.com

<ITEM>Eventually they get round to talking about some comics.  What are those comics?  These are those comics:  Batman Annual #5, Judge Dredd: Crusade, Dog Man, Deathshead:  Body In Question and Jim.

<ITEM>As promised last week, The Beast takes Gary on the start of a choose-your-own adventure!  This could be the start of something beautiful.

<ITEM>Time to listen!

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BILLY THE KID DID WHAT HE DID AND HE DIED

Boy did you see that? That was something wasn’t it? It sure was something. What do you mean what was it? I have no idea. I just know it was something. Yes sir, it sure was. Something, that is. Couldn’t say for sure exactly what, but let me tell you I know that it was *something*. I know what it wasn’t though. It sure wasn’t a BLURB.

<ITEM> New Year, New SILENCE! New Year, New Podcast! New Year same old sad sacks of mince Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die!

<ITEM> It’s a packed episode, designed to fill the howling voids of uncertainty in your brains. First up SILENCE! Cos I’m Watching The Telly! wherein the Beast talks up the myriad pleasures of the Doom Patrol TV show. Then the pair have a good old natter about Feels Good Man, the strange and depressing descent of Pepe The Frog.

<ITEM> Take a hop, skip, slip and plunge into the Reviewniverse. Happy talky talky happy talk, talk about  things you like to read….The Far Side, Calvin & Hobbes, Midnight Men, Howard Chaykin Bingo, Pirate Corp$, 2000AD Xmas special, Judge Dredd: Book Of The Dead, World Judges and a lot (not much) more

<ITEM> I’m tired. Go away please.

<ITEM> Just kidding, I kiss.

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DEEP BLUE, I VOTED YOU SPORTS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR

“YOU THERE BOY! WHAT DAY IS IT?”
“It’s Christmas Day, sir!”
“Then there’s still time! Tell me, boy; is that fat goose still in the window of the butcher’s?”
“Yes, sir!”
“Then take this money and go buy it for Bob Cratchit and his family!”
“But it’s Christmas day, sir. The butcher’s is closed.”
“Oh… Then smash the window and grab the fat goose!”
“Sir, you DO know that it’s just a display fat goose? It’s the plastic one that’s there every year.”
“Why, you saucy urchin! Any more cheek from you and I’ll give you a thrashing! Now smash that window, grab the fat goose and take it to Bob Cratchit’s house!”
“Fuck off, mate!”

HOX3 Etc. Welcome to our very, very special December 18th episode of SILENCE! It’s like a scrooge convention in here. Come in, the water’s filthy and will probably give you dysentery.

After some moaning about everything (including the lack of interest in Gary’s own comic, Journey To The Surface Of The Earth), there’s some bigging up of the belated SILENCE! To Astonish cyber-panel at Digi-Thought Virtual-Bubble. Oh, and Gary Lactus has almost written a song for The Beast Must Die but not really.

The Reviewniverse beckons, covering James Stokoe’s Won Ton Soup, Elektra Assassin, Goddess, Wildcat, Green Arrow, We Only Find Them When They’re Dead, Havok and Wolverine: Meltdown, some Fred Egg comics and probably some other stuff.

After some final complaints it’s off you go, back to the rubbish timeline we all seem to be stuck in. Ugh!

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