Mindless Ones

AND I STILL LOVE THE GIRL FROM BENNINGTON

This is it. We’ve worked for so many years to get to this. Years squirrelled away in the lab. Years banging our heads against a brick wall. Years when it all seemed so bleak..so utterly pointless. Great minds came and great minds went. Some cracked and crumbled under the awful weight of it all. I saw at least one certified genius snap and run screaming from the insurmountable, impassive wall of the task at hand. But yet still. Here we are. We brave few. Through sheer tenacious bloody-minded perseverance, we stand before you clutching this tiny vial. Inside this fragile glass container we have the essence…the pure distilled very essence of podcasting. If I take this pipette and draw out one tiny drop and…

<ITEM> It’s only a right ruddy new epidose of SILENCE! It’s the life-style comics magazine for the discerning gad-about-town, with your smiling friends Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die here to steer your little ship into the cool calm waters of…podchat

<ITEM> I Reckymend brings The Beast’s latest obsession, the horror podcasts Shockwaves and Killer POV

<ITEM> Glad aboy admin? It’s gladmin! Take that gladmin with a spoonful of paternal responsibility and you have Dadmin!

<ITEM> SILENCE!…Because The Telly is on brings us the new Tick series, the old animated Tick cartoon and Hannibal.

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse reaches out through the mirror and pulls us back in with it. There’s some chat about Giffen & DeMatteis’ Justice League, Milk Wars, Spectacular Spiderman, and the We Told You So: The Story of Fantagraphics. More for sure, but I’m blowed if I can remember. Trust me though – all gold.

<ITEM>Stick around for our greatest show-ending ever!

CAN I GO NOW?

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

BUT DON’T DESPAIR, THIS DAY WILL BE THEIR DAMNEDEST DAY

Nah, nah. Nope. Nu-uh. No way. Noooooooo sirreeeee. Nup. No-ew. Nein, Not in the slightest. No thanks. Nup.

Not feeling this blurb today.

No.

<ITEM> It’s a magical week boys and girls! A special week. A SILENCE! week! And Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die are here to build a city of comics for you to all live in.

<ITEM> Look I’m not even going to mess around – this is some seriously digressive ish. I mean…do these boys really think that this is anyway to run a podcast? Oh well – once more unto the breach…

<ITEM> Some cursory sponsorship, some in-depth discussion of Jamie Oliver and Sunday Brunch, and a bit of Dadmin. Then The Beast ushers in another ker-lassic episode of SILENCE!…Because the Film Has Started talking about Coherence, The Autopsy of Jane Doe and Kong of Skull Island.

<ITEM> Dragging their heels, the sadsack pair find themselves in the snowy wastes of the Anti-Reviewniverse! Then normal service resumes and they hit the Reviewniverse. ‘Discussed’ are Sooner or Later, Deadline, Jamie Hewlett, Nick Abadzis’ Dream Logic, Skidmarks by Ilya, Tundra, Tales From The Hyperverse, Hastings, Mister Miracle, 2000AD Christmas special, and somehow more.

Jeez that’ll do won’t it?

<ITEM>

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

BY THE TIME WE GOT TO OSLO, THE SNOW WAS GONE

My New Year’s Resolution:

1) Write better blurbs

Ok…let’s… Ok. No wait. Here we go…no. Wait. I GOT IT! It’s… No hold on. Ummm.

Ok. Scrap that. Can I make a different resolution.

My New Year’s Resolution (Take 2):

1) Quit this blurb-writing gig and get a real job.

<ITEM> It’s a new day, it’s a new year, it’s a new life…and I’m feeling POD! It’s the first SILENCE! Of 2018 and it arrives wearing a top hat, spats and little else! Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die bring you a timely festive edition to warm your coals. HO HO HO (sshhhhh).

<ITEM> Seasonal sponsorship, Christmas admin and standard festive cheer? All here. Presents are compared and there’s some chat about Judge Dredd Complete Case Files v29, 2000AD Sci-Fi specials, Misty, The Gosh Comics 50% Sale, Ian Miller’s Swamp Thing and the wonderful Paperbacks From Hell..

<ITEM> Head to the Reviewniverse with your giddy hosts as they talk the light fantastic about The Leopard from Lime St, Klaus: The Crisis In Xmasville, Doom Patrol, Shade The Changing Girl, Parasdiso, Mister Miracle, X-Men: Grand Design, Jack Kirby’s 2001, Assassinistas and probably something I’ve forgotten.

<ITEM> Yule be sorry! HA

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

 

Whaddya looking at? What?? You write a blurb, I’m busy. I’ll blurb you mate. Go blurb yourself. What? What did you say? HOW DARE YOU! You can take your blurb and shove it right up your {REDACTED}

“Okay bud, I think it’s probably time you clocked off. You been working this blurb shift for 36 hours solid. You put your time in. You’ve done us proud. But it’s time to go home bud.”

No dammnit! No! I’ll get this blurb done if it’s the…just..just stop all a’them starin’ at me wouldya?? Just…make them stop…

“Okay bud. Jacket on. It’s time to go.”

<ITEM> What schedule? It’s SILENCE! pals and your week just got a whole heap better. So suck it in bucko.

<ITEM> Dadmin, Admin, and the briefest of Sponsorships. It’s just how we do. That’s Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die bee tee doubleyas.

<ITEM> Tat-talk with some chat about Action comic – the banned UK thug kids comic, not that boring American institution

<ITEM> SILENCE!…Because The Film Has Started with The Beast recommending Colossal.

<ITEM> Finally…The Reviewniverse. Right here, right now. Or…then, When it was recorded. But now for you. But not now in the blurb because that’s now for me, but then for when you’re reading this. So…when? Anyway there’s very important chat about Doomsday Clock, Doom Patrol, Julia Scheele’s comics, The Beautiful Death, Dr Radar, Dork, The Grim Ghost, Lomax NYPD, Tiger Man and the rest of the Atlas fools. And more probably. WHO CAN REMEMBER?

<ITEM> Get outta here! No more items for you, Christmas shopping to do.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

 

Forty years I been a blurb-writer y’know? My father before me was a blurb-writer and his father before him. And he started the blurb-writers union and all – every blurb-writer worth their salt still talks in hush tones about the blurb riots of 1933. Wouldn’t have the rights we do today without my grandfather and his mates. It’s in the blood is what I’m saying. If you cut me, do I not blurb. Heh.

But it’s a dying art. It’s dead to be honest. Got these new machines that can write a blurb in half the time, and no chance of a spelling mistake or a missed deadline. Oh sure they don’t read the same, but when the bosses see those bottom line figures, you think they care? And the readers hardly notice, that’s the real kicker. In too much of a hurry to get to the content. Click the link, access the content. Content, content content. Well what about conTEXT is what I say? What’s the point. You probably aren’t even reading this anyway. Oh well. Sorry grandpa…I’m trying. I’m trying to do you proud. Once more unto the breach…

<ITEM> HA! A new SILENCE! and it’s only been a week? What is this – a regular schedule or something??

<ITEM> Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die hold hands and do their merry aural dance for your ears only. Bit of Dadmin, some righteous Sponsorship, Gary’s Birthday and the Beast recounts his adventures in going VIRAL!

<ITEM> Reviewniverse shenanigans ensue with talky-talks of Fence, the DC House of Horror special, Bob Godfrey, 2000AD, Indigo Prime, Revere, John Smith, Captain America, Generation Gone, Not Brand Echhh and more, dammnit so much more. Also features some live John Constantine-ing.

<ITEM> I Reckymend features Paul Verhoeven’s brilliant Elle and the latest Adam Buxton Podcast.

And that really is, my friends, the end.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

010110010010001000011000100010000100010000001001010100010

1011110010010010010101000100010101010101000111101010101010010

10010100100100100101000101010001010100011100100010100010100

1010100101001010011001010010100101011101010101010010000101010

(That’s computer-speak for ‘write your own blurb jerkbag’)

<ITEM> It’s a big dollop of SILENCE! right up in your mush. So get used to that. Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die bringing it in the only way they know how: on all fours and begging to be put down.

<ITEM> Sponsorship,Dadmin, and My Two Dadmin? Yart! Plus Bradley Walsh, Shane Ritchie and Nick Knowles. Comics!!

<ITEM> Finally – finally – The Reviewniverse arrives in the pair’s wing-mirror. Remember though that objects are bigger than they appear… covered are Mister Miracle (Jack Kirby and Tom King’s),  Brian Michael Bendis’ The Talky 10, Tank Girl, Kamandi Challenge and more more more

<ITEM> Ach what more do you need you pack of jackals!!?

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

 

HHKHRrrrhhhHtttchhhhh…HHHHWWWWRAAALLLPPPSSH

*kaff*

Sorry. Had to clear that hairball. That’ll teach me to lick Lockjaw’s blanket.

Hoo-hah! It’s only anuvver faakin’ SILENCE! innit bruv? With those two town gadaboouts Gary Lactus and the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed Beast Must Die! Double barrelled. You are the quarry.

<ITEM> Admin, admin, ‘oo wants admin? Featuring  Dadmin, and Paul Reiser’s autobiography?

<ITEM> Tales of Halloween, with The Beast Must Die and Lord Nuneaton Savage’s horror marathon. Featuring Rituals, Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight and The Comeback.

<ITEM> SILENCE! Because The Film Has Started features Gary Lactus on Thor: Ragnarok and TBMD on Wonder Woman. Films mate. We shit ’em.

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse opens it’s greedy maw and welcomes the pair in to talk some honest to goodness comics. Including The Lakes Festival Spirit Special, Black Crown Quarterly, CUD: The comic, Mister Miracle, Philippa Rice’s Soppy and probably some other stuff as well.

<ITEM> Only 5 items or less in this queue.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

MELON-RISING CALIFORNIA SUN, DRIFTING IN A DAY NOT YET BEGUN

SORRY! SO SORRY! We’ve neglected you dear listenoids, with our foolish ‘responsibilities’ to our families. Can you forgive us? Would you? Could you? Would you, could you, in a pod. Would you could you with a Furry Man and a Space God?

Well, we’re back in some fashion with the latest SILENCE! Your tired old pals Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die return to the heartland to bring you their frazzled recollections of Thought Bubble 2018, the Leeds-based comics hootenanny. In doing so we mention Hitsville, Alex Automatic, Triskelion, Tom Eglington, Cindy & Biscuit: Sundays, The Cleaner Issue 4 and a bit more.

There’s also some My Two Dads. WHO LOVES YA BABIES?

Part 2 is the epochal era-defining planet-shattering SILENCE! TO ASTONISH live event from the aforementioned T-Bubz18. It’s a shambolic thrillride with lovely Al To Astonish, special guests John Allison, Kieron Gillen, Alan Moore, Geoff Johns and Stan Lee.

Dig in, hunker down, bug out, kick back, suck it down, pucker up and sit tight. It’s going to be…a time.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

JUST ONE TIME I’D LIKE TO SEE EVERYONE SMILE, I GUESS IT WON’T HAPPEN, NOT FOR A WHILE

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water…you realised that you’d only just finished eating quite a stodgy lunch and if you went for a swim there’d be a good chance that you’d get a jolly nasty stitch. At best you’d have a very uncomfortable swim, at worst things could get dicey.

Oh and there’s a f*ck off great big shark in there with a grudge. Might want to give that one a swerve.

<ITEM> You lucky lucky people. You get not one, but TWO goshdurned podcasts today!

<ITEM> Firstly there’s the SILENCE! section. Just good old Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die shooting the breeze. Terrible shots they are though so once again the breeze gets away free. Plus – who’s that there? A very special new guest…

<ITEM> My Two Dads – the comic

<ITEM> A review of the Defenders? Sort of…

<ITEM> A sideways jaunt into the Reviewniverse, dealing with Mister Miracle and Joe Matt’s Peep Show. Plus Squirrel Girl (spoiler = he liked it, it was good)

<ITEM> Then, for part two you get a bonus new podcast Walker’s Crisps, aka Trisps aka In The Bag, wherein Gary Lactus and special US guest Michael Walker eat crisps together. For humanity’s soul.

YOU WANNA GET INTO IT BOY!

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]