Mindless Ones

YOU’RE GONNA BE REMEMBERED FOR THE THINGS THAT YOU SAY AND DO

If you only knew the existential dread with which I approach the writing of these blurbs. The loaded Colt 45 is sat on the table in front of me. Could this be the week? Come on. It’s easy. Just … just write something witty. Or pithy. Or surreal. Cold, dead lump of metal in my hand. It’s easy. Just write it. Find that concept. Something to hang your hat on. Something. Just. Write. Squeezing the trigger now. Just that sprung lever gently…gently…

Oh wait! I’ve got it!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

<ITEM> Welcome to the latest weekly edition of the internet’s most regular podcast, SILENCE! The podcast equivalent of All-Bran we are! Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die, ah-coming on like a seventh sense!

<ITEM> God knows – look this bastard was recorded across different times, locations and dimensions. It’s got everything in it and nothing. All life is contained here. The answer to the ultimate question could be in here. What’s definitely in here though is…

Neighbours, Gary Lactus experiments with being right wing,  TBMD explains comics gate to stupid old Gary Lactus,  Redundant chat about the upcoming Thought Bubble which has by this point been and gone, Komisk,  Sticky Ribs,  The Beast has seen Infinity War,  Gary and Little Barry Lactus on the park with a little bit of talk about Fantastic Four #2 and The March Hare,  TBMD talking Knights of Pendragon,  Recording of Ben Mitchell talking about The Storm Cloud Story from Thought Bubble,  Silence To Astonish! with guests John McRea, Sam Humphries, Matthew Rosenberg and Babs Tarr, Post Tbubz chat, Doctor Who, Comedy and Errors written by Nick Bryan, Dead Rabbit and on and on and on.

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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COMPETITION TIME!!!

The first person to listen to this podcast, write a full blurb and show notes and send them to silencepodcast at gmail dot com will win FIVE GREAT BRITISH POUNDS in their paypal account.

EDIT! We have a winner! Thanks, Glenn Jacobs!

I don’t really know how to write a blurb in the inimitable SILENCE! house style so I’m going to forfeit my cash prize and just submit you some show notes instead. Hope these help. cheerio-bye.

9 00 The Prisoner by writer Peter Milligan and artist Colin Lorimer.

12 20 The Hellblazer #22 by Writter Tim Seeley and artist Davidé Fabbri.

13 55 The Hellblazer #1 by writer Jamie Delano and artist John Ridgway.

17 00 Transformers Collected Comics #3 by writer Steve Parkhouse and artist John Ridgway.

25 10 Fraser Geesin Is A Lot Of Help live clip. *EDIT* This is actually a clip of Gary Lactus years ago when he was in a band and the singer didn’t turn up so he ended up talking over some synths.

26 55 The Toys That Made Us (TV Series 2017).

35 50 A Walk Through Hell #1 by writer Garth Ennis and artist Goran Sudžuka.

39 00 Flayed Corpse and Other Stories by Josh Simmons.

44 30 Doom Patrol by writer Gerard Way and artist Nick Derington.

44 50 A duck.

48 40 Audience with Charles Forsman at Gosh Comics.

THAT WAS PATROL, THIS IS THE WAR

Listen, can you do me a favour? It would really help me out if you just imagined that there’s a really good blurb here. Something wry, funny and a bit surreal. Something to cause a smile to flicker across those cherry lips of yours? Becuase frankly I just don’t have the time today to put the necessary graft in. So it would really help me out if you could just cut me some slack this once, and just scrunch your eyes closed and just…imagine. Imagine that this is the blurb you’ve always dreamt of.

<ITEM> It’s a SILENCE! And not just any old SILENCE! but a SILENCE! featuring your old pals Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die. Come to drop a comics plopsy right in your tea.

<ITEM> Admin, Dadmin, sponsorship and some honest to goodness SILENCE! News?? Right here effendi. Hot takes on the latest Rob Liefeld and Neil Gaiman announcements.

<ITEM> Suddenly… THE REVIEWNIVERSE! Comics old and new are ingurgitated: World Without End, The Beef, Shade The Changing Woman, Ragman, The Highest House, Gideon Falls, Oblivion Song, The Spider King, Prism Stalker and more. Plus hot news about the John Higgins-painted Cronenbergian body-horror Batman comic that simply does not exist.

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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AND I STILL LOVE THE GIRL FROM BENNINGTON

This is it. We’ve worked for so many years to get to this. Years squirrelled away in the lab. Years banging our heads against a brick wall. Years when it all seemed so bleak..so utterly pointless. Great minds came and great minds went. Some cracked and crumbled under the awful weight of it all. I saw at least one certified genius snap and run screaming from the insurmountable, impassive wall of the task at hand. But yet still. Here we are. We brave few. Through sheer tenacious bloody-minded perseverance, we stand before you clutching this tiny vial. Inside this fragile glass container we have the essence…the pure distilled very essence of podcasting. If I take this pipette and draw out one tiny drop and…

<ITEM> It’s only a right ruddy new epidose of SILENCE! It’s the life-style comics magazine for the discerning gad-about-town, with your smiling friends Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die here to steer your little ship into the cool calm waters of…podchat

<ITEM> I Reckymend brings The Beast’s latest obsession, the horror podcasts Shockwaves and Killer POV

<ITEM> Glad aboy admin? It’s gladmin! Take that gladmin with a spoonful of paternal responsibility and you have Dadmin!

<ITEM> SILENCE!…Because The Telly is on brings us the new Tick series, the old animated Tick cartoon and Hannibal.

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse reaches out through the mirror and pulls us back in with it. There’s some chat about Giffen & DeMatteis’ Justice League, Milk Wars, Spectacular Spiderman, and the We Told You So: The Story of Fantagraphics. More for sure, but I’m blowed if I can remember. Trust me though – all gold.

<ITEM>Stick around for our greatest show-ending ever!

CAN I GO NOW?

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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BUT DON’T DESPAIR, THIS DAY WILL BE THEIR DAMNEDEST DAY

Nah, nah. Nope. Nu-uh. No way. Noooooooo sirreeeee. Nup. No-ew. Nein, Not in the slightest. No thanks. Nup.

Not feeling this blurb today.

No.

<ITEM> It’s a magical week boys and girls! A special week. A SILENCE! week! And Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die are here to build a city of comics for you to all live in.

<ITEM> Look I’m not even going to mess around – this is some seriously digressive ish. I mean…do these boys really think that this is anyway to run a podcast? Oh well – once more unto the breach…

<ITEM> Some cursory sponsorship, some in-depth discussion of Jamie Oliver and Sunday Brunch, and a bit of Dadmin. Then The Beast ushers in another ker-lassic episode of SILENCE!…Because the Film Has Started talking about Coherence, The Autopsy of Jane Doe and Kong of Skull Island.

<ITEM> Dragging their heels, the sadsack pair find themselves in the snowy wastes of the Anti-Reviewniverse! Then normal service resumes and they hit the Reviewniverse. ‘Discussed’ are Sooner or Later, Deadline, Jamie Hewlett, Nick Abadzis’ Dream Logic, Skidmarks by Ilya, Tundra, Tales From The Hyperverse, Hastings, Mister Miracle, 2000AD Christmas special, and somehow more.

Jeez that’ll do won’t it?

<ITEM>

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

BY THE TIME WE GOT TO OSLO, THE SNOW WAS GONE

My New Year’s Resolution:

1) Write better blurbs

Ok…let’s… Ok. No wait. Here we go…no. Wait. I GOT IT! It’s… No hold on. Ummm.

Ok. Scrap that. Can I make a different resolution.

My New Year’s Resolution (Take 2):

1) Quit this blurb-writing gig and get a real job.

<ITEM> It’s a new day, it’s a new year, it’s a new life…and I’m feeling POD! It’s the first SILENCE! Of 2018 and it arrives wearing a top hat, spats and little else! Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die bring you a timely festive edition to warm your coals. HO HO HO (sshhhhh).

<ITEM> Seasonal sponsorship, Christmas admin and standard festive cheer? All here. Presents are compared and there’s some chat about Judge Dredd Complete Case Files v29, 2000AD Sci-Fi specials, Misty, The Gosh Comics 50% Sale, Ian Miller’s Swamp Thing and the wonderful Paperbacks From Hell..

<ITEM> Head to the Reviewniverse with your giddy hosts as they talk the light fantastic about The Leopard from Lime St, Klaus: The Crisis In Xmasville, Doom Patrol, Shade The Changing Girl, Parasdiso, Mister Miracle, X-Men: Grand Design, Jack Kirby’s 2001, Assassinistas and probably something I’ve forgotten.

<ITEM> Yule be sorry! HA

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

 

Whaddya looking at? What?? You write a blurb, I’m busy. I’ll blurb you mate. Go blurb yourself. What? What did you say? HOW DARE YOU! You can take your blurb and shove it right up your {REDACTED}

“Okay bud, I think it’s probably time you clocked off. You been working this blurb shift for 36 hours solid. You put your time in. You’ve done us proud. But it’s time to go home bud.”

No dammnit! No! I’ll get this blurb done if it’s the…just..just stop all a’them starin’ at me wouldya?? Just…make them stop…

“Okay bud. Jacket on. It’s time to go.”

<ITEM> What schedule? It’s SILENCE! pals and your week just got a whole heap better. So suck it in bucko.

<ITEM> Dadmin, Admin, and the briefest of Sponsorships. It’s just how we do. That’s Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die bee tee doubleyas.

<ITEM> Tat-talk with some chat about Action comic – the banned UK thug kids comic, not that boring American institution

<ITEM> SILENCE!…Because The Film Has Started with The Beast recommending Colossal.

<ITEM> Finally…The Reviewniverse. Right here, right now. Or…then, When it was recorded. But now for you. But not now in the blurb because that’s now for me, but then for when you’re reading this. So…when? Anyway there’s very important chat about Doomsday Clock, Doom Patrol, Julia Scheele’s comics, The Beautiful Death, Dr Radar, Dork, The Grim Ghost, Lomax NYPD, Tiger Man and the rest of the Atlas fools. And more probably. WHO CAN REMEMBER?

<ITEM> Get outta here! No more items for you, Christmas shopping to do.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

 

Forty years I been a blurb-writer y’know? My father before me was a blurb-writer and his father before him. And he started the blurb-writers union and all – every blurb-writer worth their salt still talks in hush tones about the blurb riots of 1933. Wouldn’t have the rights we do today without my grandfather and his mates. It’s in the blood is what I’m saying. If you cut me, do I not blurb. Heh.

But it’s a dying art. It’s dead to be honest. Got these new machines that can write a blurb in half the time, and no chance of a spelling mistake or a missed deadline. Oh sure they don’t read the same, but when the bosses see those bottom line figures, you think they care? And the readers hardly notice, that’s the real kicker. In too much of a hurry to get to the content. Click the link, access the content. Content, content content. Well what about conTEXT is what I say? What’s the point. You probably aren’t even reading this anyway. Oh well. Sorry grandpa…I’m trying. I’m trying to do you proud. Once more unto the breach…

<ITEM> HA! A new SILENCE! and it’s only been a week? What is this – a regular schedule or something??

<ITEM> Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die hold hands and do their merry aural dance for your ears only. Bit of Dadmin, some righteous Sponsorship, Gary’s Birthday and the Beast recounts his adventures in going VIRAL!

<ITEM> Reviewniverse shenanigans ensue with talky-talks of Fence, the DC House of Horror special, Bob Godfrey, 2000AD, Indigo Prime, Revere, John Smith, Captain America, Generation Gone, Not Brand Echhh and more, dammnit so much more. Also features some live John Constantine-ing.

<ITEM> I Reckymend features Paul Verhoeven’s brilliant Elle and the latest Adam Buxton Podcast.

And that really is, my friends, the end.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

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(That’s computer-speak for ‘write your own blurb jerkbag’)

<ITEM> It’s a big dollop of SILENCE! right up in your mush. So get used to that. Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die bringing it in the only way they know how: on all fours and begging to be put down.

<ITEM> Sponsorship,Dadmin, and My Two Dadmin? Yart! Plus Bradley Walsh, Shane Ritchie and Nick Knowles. Comics!!

<ITEM> Finally – finally – The Reviewniverse arrives in the pair’s wing-mirror. Remember though that objects are bigger than they appear… covered are Mister Miracle (Jack Kirby and Tom King’s),  Brian Michael Bendis’ The Talky 10, Tank Girl, Kamandi Challenge and more more more

<ITEM> Ach what more do you need you pack of jackals!!?

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]