Mindless Ones

Hi there, this is Callum, I’m the new intern here at SILENCE! My first real task is to write a blurb for Gary and The Beast. I’ll try to do as good a job as I can because I love SILENCE! and the Mr. Die and Mr. Lactus have promised me a well paid job if I perform well. They’re great guys and are always joshing and laughing. They laughed loads when they told me about all the money I’ll be making here at SILENCE! after my 4 year apprenticeship comes to an end. So first we start with a song lyric.
I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT OH LORD
Hope they like that one, it’s one of my granpa’s faves.

Then it’s basically a list of the things they talked about in the episode but you have to make it interesting somehow as the blurb is the most important part of the podcast; everyone reads it and it’s really important. So, my brilliant bosses did a really great episode of SILENCE! this week. They did lots of really funny talking and are great guys. I liked it when they talked about sponsorship and the very exciting special 250th issue of SILENCE! which is just around the corner. I liked it when Mr. Die talked about Maria Bamford and Mr. Lactus talked about Daniel Kitson. Then I liked it when SILENCE! Because the Film Has Started with Thor: Ragnarok and Black Panther and Lake Mungo.

Then I liked it when The Reviewniverse with Mister Miracle and Ice Cream Man and Crawl Space and By This Shall You Know Him and Vampironica and Dry County and Tailgunner Jo then I liked it when it ended and then I went home for tea.

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@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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THAT WAS PATROL, THIS IS THE WAR

Listen, can you do me a favour? It would really help me out if you just imagined that there’s a really good blurb here. Something wry, funny and a bit surreal. Something to cause a smile to flicker across those cherry lips of yours? Becuase frankly I just don’t have the time today to put the necessary graft in. So it would really help me out if you could just cut me some slack this once, and just scrunch your eyes closed and just…imagine. Imagine that this is the blurb you’ve always dreamt of.

<ITEM> It’s a SILENCE! And not just any old SILENCE! but a SILENCE! featuring your old pals Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die. Come to drop a comics plopsy right in your tea.

<ITEM> Admin, Dadmin, sponsorship and some honest to goodness SILENCE! News?? Right here effendi. Hot takes on the latest Rob Liefeld and Neil Gaiman announcements.

<ITEM> Suddenly… THE REVIEWNIVERSE! Comics old and new are ingurgitated: World Without End, The Beef, Shade The Changing Woman, Ragman, The Highest House, Gideon Falls, Oblivion Song, The Spider King, Prism Stalker and more. Plus hot news about the John Higgins-painted Cronenbergian body-horror Batman comic that simply does not exist.

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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AND I STILL LOVE THE GIRL FROM BENNINGTON

This is it. We’ve worked for so many years to get to this. Years squirrelled away in the lab. Years banging our heads against a brick wall. Years when it all seemed so bleak..so utterly pointless. Great minds came and great minds went. Some cracked and crumbled under the awful weight of it all. I saw at least one certified genius snap and run screaming from the insurmountable, impassive wall of the task at hand. But yet still. Here we are. We brave few. Through sheer tenacious bloody-minded perseverance, we stand before you clutching this tiny vial. Inside this fragile glass container we have the essence…the pure distilled very essence of podcasting. If I take this pipette and draw out one tiny drop and…

<ITEM> It’s only a right ruddy new epidose of SILENCE! It’s the life-style comics magazine for the discerning gad-about-town, with your smiling friends Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die here to steer your little ship into the cool calm waters of…podchat

<ITEM> I Reckymend brings The Beast’s latest obsession, the horror podcasts Shockwaves and Killer POV

<ITEM> Glad aboy admin? It’s gladmin! Take that gladmin with a spoonful of paternal responsibility and you have Dadmin!

<ITEM> SILENCE!…Because The Telly is on brings us the new Tick series, the old animated Tick cartoon and Hannibal.

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse reaches out through the mirror and pulls us back in with it. There’s some chat about Giffen & DeMatteis’ Justice League, Milk Wars, Spectacular Spiderman, and the We Told You So: The Story of Fantagraphics. More for sure, but I’m blowed if I can remember. Trust me though – all gold.

<ITEM>Stick around for our greatest show-ending ever!

CAN I GO NOW?

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SICK. I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SICK OF ME. THEN I’M GONNA GIVE YOU THE  ANTIDOTE

• The year is 2099.
• Jokesss! It’s 2 0 1 8  and we are 10 tears old, or maybe just six tears, the way man counts these things
• It doesn’t matter. Here we fester yet. Dry your eyes because it’s SILENCE! #246 missus and Beast is having a break to look after the Mini-Beast or whatever so this week it’s a bobsy week where he and Gary get well comfy and COCKS OUT in the cosmic cupboard.
• Clever blurb? Do one you poncey nonce
• SO they start by letting  Ole Aimless out of the bag (comicsgate and oh no no no, the 2000AD SciFi Special, the Big Sick + Trash for Cash Wednesday) and then handclasp it into the reviewniverse where they  get busy with the books of the week:
• IN roughly the order they were discussed, skipping fans: Twisted Romance, The Beautiful Death, Atlas & Axis, Grave Horticulture, VS, Wicked & Divine 1923, Batman: Metal, Batman: White Knight, MILK WARS, Doomsday Cock, The Amazing Fruit of the Future, Justice League: Film

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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NICHOLAS KNICKERLESS IN A NICKEL NECKLACE ON A RHINOSOROUSOUS

The year is 2099.

Blurbs have been outlawed by the totalitarian US government.

Luckily we’re not in America so it’s fine.

Welcome to another sodding episode of SILENCE! your heroes Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die are here with their unique brand of jealousy inducing chat from their aspirational lives.

After we celebrate The Beast Must Die’s Birthday they discuss anxiety dreams which look like they might be coming true. There’s some chat about the now dead Mark E Smith which segues into a moving song about music called Music Song. SILENCE! Because The Film’s Started this week actually has something to do with the nominal point of the podcast, comics as Beasty done watched The Image Revolution.

The Reviewniverse revels in Doom Patrol, Days Of Hate, BatMan: Creature Of The Night, more Atlas Comics, LIFE Brigade, Frank Miller’s Tales To Offend, Tainted, Dissonance, Valerian and the City Of A Thousand Planets, Vinegar Teeth, Legion, The Further Adventures of Nick Wilson, Assassinistas and Tales Designed to Thrizzle

That’ll do, surely.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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BUT DON’T DESPAIR, THIS DAY WILL BE THEIR DAMNEDEST DAY

Nah, nah. Nope. Nu-uh. No way. Noooooooo sirreeeee. Nup. No-ew. Nein, Not in the slightest. No thanks. Nup.

Not feeling this blurb today.

No.

<ITEM> It’s a magical week boys and girls! A special week. A SILENCE! week! And Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die are here to build a city of comics for you to all live in.

<ITEM> Look I’m not even going to mess around – this is some seriously digressive ish. I mean…do these boys really think that this is anyway to run a podcast? Oh well – once more unto the breach…

<ITEM> Some cursory sponsorship, some in-depth discussion of Jamie Oliver and Sunday Brunch, and a bit of Dadmin. Then The Beast ushers in another ker-lassic episode of SILENCE!…Because the Film Has Started talking about Coherence, The Autopsy of Jane Doe and Kong of Skull Island.

<ITEM> Dragging their heels, the sadsack pair find themselves in the snowy wastes of the Anti-Reviewniverse! Then normal service resumes and they hit the Reviewniverse. ‘Discussed’ are Sooner or Later, Deadline, Jamie Hewlett, Nick Abadzis’ Dream Logic, Skidmarks by Ilya, Tundra, Tales From The Hyperverse, Hastings, Mister Miracle, 2000AD Christmas special, and somehow more.

Jeez that’ll do won’t it?

<ITEM>

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
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BY THE TIME WE GOT TO OSLO, THE SNOW WAS GONE

My New Year’s Resolution:

1) Write better blurbs

Ok…let’s… Ok. No wait. Here we go…no. Wait. I GOT IT! It’s… No hold on. Ummm.

Ok. Scrap that. Can I make a different resolution.

My New Year’s Resolution (Take 2):

1) Quit this blurb-writing gig and get a real job.

<ITEM> It’s a new day, it’s a new year, it’s a new life…and I’m feeling POD! It’s the first SILENCE! Of 2018 and it arrives wearing a top hat, spats and little else! Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die bring you a timely festive edition to warm your coals. HO HO HO (sshhhhh).

<ITEM> Seasonal sponsorship, Christmas admin and standard festive cheer? All here. Presents are compared and there’s some chat about Judge Dredd Complete Case Files v29, 2000AD Sci-Fi specials, Misty, The Gosh Comics 50% Sale, Ian Miller’s Swamp Thing and the wonderful Paperbacks From Hell..

<ITEM> Head to the Reviewniverse with your giddy hosts as they talk the light fantastic about The Leopard from Lime St, Klaus: The Crisis In Xmasville, Doom Patrol, Shade The Changing Girl, Parasdiso, Mister Miracle, X-Men: Grand Design, Jack Kirby’s 2001, Assassinistas and probably something I’ve forgotten.

<ITEM> Yule be sorry! HA

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
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Whaddya looking at? What?? You write a blurb, I’m busy. I’ll blurb you mate. Go blurb yourself. What? What did you say? HOW DARE YOU! You can take your blurb and shove it right up your {REDACTED}

“Okay bud, I think it’s probably time you clocked off. You been working this blurb shift for 36 hours solid. You put your time in. You’ve done us proud. But it’s time to go home bud.”

No dammnit! No! I’ll get this blurb done if it’s the…just..just stop all a’them starin’ at me wouldya?? Just…make them stop…

“Okay bud. Jacket on. It’s time to go.”

<ITEM> What schedule? It’s SILENCE! pals and your week just got a whole heap better. So suck it in bucko.

<ITEM> Dadmin, Admin, and the briefest of Sponsorships. It’s just how we do. That’s Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die bee tee doubleyas.

<ITEM> Tat-talk with some chat about Action comic – the banned UK thug kids comic, not that boring American institution

<ITEM> SILENCE!…Because The Film Has Started with The Beast recommending Colossal.

<ITEM> Finally…The Reviewniverse. Right here, right now. Or…then, When it was recorded. But now for you. But not now in the blurb because that’s now for me, but then for when you’re reading this. So…when? Anyway there’s very important chat about Doomsday Clock, Doom Patrol, Julia Scheele’s comics, The Beautiful Death, Dr Radar, Dork, The Grim Ghost, Lomax NYPD, Tiger Man and the rest of the Atlas fools. And more probably. WHO CAN REMEMBER?

<ITEM> Get outta here! No more items for you, Christmas shopping to do.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]

 

Forty years I been a blurb-writer y’know? My father before me was a blurb-writer and his father before him. And he started the blurb-writers union and all – every blurb-writer worth their salt still talks in hush tones about the blurb riots of 1933. Wouldn’t have the rights we do today without my grandfather and his mates. It’s in the blood is what I’m saying. If you cut me, do I not blurb. Heh.

But it’s a dying art. It’s dead to be honest. Got these new machines that can write a blurb in half the time, and no chance of a spelling mistake or a missed deadline. Oh sure they don’t read the same, but when the bosses see those bottom line figures, you think they care? And the readers hardly notice, that’s the real kicker. In too much of a hurry to get to the content. Click the link, access the content. Content, content content. Well what about conTEXT is what I say? What’s the point. You probably aren’t even reading this anyway. Oh well. Sorry grandpa…I’m trying. I’m trying to do you proud. Once more unto the breach…

<ITEM> HA! A new SILENCE! and it’s only been a week? What is this – a regular schedule or something??

<ITEM> Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die hold hands and do their merry aural dance for your ears only. Bit of Dadmin, some righteous Sponsorship, Gary’s Birthday and the Beast recounts his adventures in going VIRAL!

<ITEM> Reviewniverse shenanigans ensue with talky-talks of Fence, the DC House of Horror special, Bob Godfrey, 2000AD, Indigo Prime, Revere, John Smith, Captain America, Generation Gone, Not Brand Echhh and more, dammnit so much more. Also features some live John Constantine-ing.

<ITEM> I Reckymend features Paul Verhoeven’s brilliant Elle and the latest Adam Buxton Podcast.

And that really is, my friends, the end.

@silencepod

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie
@bobsymindless
@kellykanayama
[email protected]