Mindless Ones

THE MECHANICS OF LONELY ARE LIKE PARALLEL PARKING

There’s a great blurb here.  You just have to stare at the dot below for a while. Keep staring. Keep staring.  Now blink your eyes quickly. There – you see it?

<ITEM> Look you know what the deal is. Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die yackety-schmackety comics blah-di-blah sponsorship yadda yadda kids…SILENCE!

<ITEM>  Somewhere in this bloated podcorpse you will find: God blessing sex, Nugget, Speed walkers, Hitsville, Reviewniverse , Jimmy Olson, Philippa Rice , Sister BFFs, My Cardboard Life , Legends of the Dark Knight, Color Me Badddddd, Steeple, New Mutants, Shadow Strikes , House/Powers of X, Spider-Man , Green Lantern , Inferior 5, Great Snickers Crossover , I, Kunt, Wild and Crazy Guys, Bottomless Lactus and more more more

<ITEM> YOU DO THE MATH!

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LET’S SHAKE AND SAY, WE’LL OPERATE IN HITSVILLE UK

Welcome to a special edition of SILENCE! wherein The Beast Must Die has a jaunty, rambling conversation with the lovely Dan Cox and John Riordan (aka Dan & Johnny Hitsville) to discuss there excellent series Hitsville UK and in particular the Kickstarter to fund the collected edition (get on board True Believers). We talked about the origins of the comic, how the boys met and the inspirations behind it.

But don’t worry! It’s still a SILENCE! so you can expect variable sound quality and lengthy digressions into Deadline, Free  Tapes, Menswear, Dig!, The Specials AKA, Cate Le Bon, the UK Small Press, Thought Bubble, FJ McMahon, Barbelith and much. much more. It was a warm summer evening in a nice pub in Waterloo, with two of my very favourite people in comics, so I hope you enjoy…

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BACK TO NATURE, THE VOYEUR WILL REALISE THIS IS NOT A SIGHT FOR HIS SORE EYES

I sit here and stare. I wait. It is coming. It will come. It is out there, searching for me. Sniffing the air, turning it’s head towards where I wait. I must be calm. I cannot run, I cannot hide. There is no point. I need it and it needs me. We are meant to be together even if it means our mutual destruction. Nearer. Nearer. I can feel it now. It is … it is here.

THE BLURB IS HERE

<ITEM> PHEW What a scorcher! It’s only time for another SILENCE! and what a shaggy misshapen beastie this is. But pet it and you will see it has a lot of love to give. So settle on the veranda, plug in old Gary Lacytus & The Beast Must Die and let our verbal fingers do their aural massage.

<ITEM> Let’s see. We’ve got Illness, Gary’s Bible Studies, Fraser Geesin’s Amusing Character Videos, Mortimer & Whitehouse Gone Fishing, House of X, LOEG Tempest, Kevin O’Neill…and that’s just the intro! Throw in some Sponsorship and now we’re making gumbo!

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse is calling you. Will you answer? Inside it is The Beast Doesn’t Care About Superheroe Films, Walking Dead, Jack Kirby’s Prisoner, Mark Evanier’s 100 Things I Have Learned About Comics, Editors,  Wild & Crazy Guys, Killer Groove, Marvel Action Avengers, Evan Dorkin, How Did This Get Made, Neighbours and more

<ITEM> There’s a special Beast Unboxing with guest start Gareth Hopkins, talking about Best of 2000AD Monthly, New Teen Titans Drug Awareness, X-Force, The Shadow Strikes, Spectacular Spiderman, Fashion in Action, Later Eraser & Pressbutton, Loner, ABC Warriors, Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Fuff, Days of Hate, Marvel 2 in 1, Crytsar the Crystal Warrior, Comics Forum and Man Thing. 

<ITEM> YOU’RE AN ITEM!

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Blurb Writer
London/Brighton
SILENCE! Podcast
£6.34 per anus

Experienced, imaginative blurb writer needed for upbeat podcast working with a highly motivated team committed to frequent regular content at the highest level…
See More…

Here we are again with a giant-sized container of content for you, the dear listener.

<ITEM> Talking about stuff including Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die‘s recent trip to Glasgow Comic Con.

<ITEM> Lorne Brown’s Comics And Beer event in Brighton.

<ITEM> Gary Lactus takes two boxes of childhood to tat dealer Lorne Brown and records the results in Gary Lactus Sells Out.

<ITEM> It’s off tom The Reviewniverse where your pals digest Third World War, People Protector Akay: The Devil’s Pawn by Dom Regan, Giant-Size X-Statix, House of X, Secret Warps: Arach-Knight, Green Lantern, Marilyn Manor and a load of other stuff in a series of inevitable digressions.

<ITEM> It’s SILENCE! To Astonish with Gary, Mr. Die and Al Kennedy of House To Astonish bothering Nick Roche, Chip Zdarsky, Al Ewing and Kelly Kanayama in front of an audience of tolerant souls.

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Right then. Quick blurb.

Blurb.

There we go.

In this episode Gary Lactus is sad but happy to be podding with his best pal The Beast Must Die.

They’re going to be doing SILENCE! To Astonish! at Glasgow Comic Con. Fine.

In this issue they talk about Pope Hats, Poo Pants, Mad Magazine, Superman Year One, End Of The Fucking World, Immortal Hulk, Sonata, To The Death and other digressions. Also The Beast has seen Into The Spiderverse and loved it just like everyone else, the sheep. Why couldn’t he just have a hot take on it for the click bait? Oh yeah, and there’s another Beast Unboxing in a toilet.

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I KNOW YOU WANNA HOLD MY HAND, I KNOW YOU’RE GONNA LOVE MY BAND

BEEEEEP

Listen, I know you’re there, so pick up the phone. I can wait….Look I know you, I’ve been your agent for 20 years. I know when you’re ignoring me. Listen, they just need this blurb okay? Correction – they needed it yesterday. So just write the damn thing William Shakespeare! Get back to me.

*CLICK*

BEEEEEP

ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE! COME OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE, GET OUT OF THE BATHTUB, WHATEVER! Just…it’s not that…hard. Just write me a god-damned blurb for this god-damned podcast! It’s not art! It’s not literature! But it pays the god damned bills and keeps the god damned light on. So please. For me. Pick up thy god damned quill, and write! Get back to me.

*CLICK*

BEEEEEEP

I’m coming round. I’m bringing weapons…

<ITEM> HOO HAH! It’s only a ruddy SILENCE! guv! Here to fondle your charlie browns and brighten up your day. Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die have dug themselves up and are ready to talk comics, comics, comics!

<ITEM> Adminge. Sponsorhitz. And ‘SILENCE! Because The Film Has Started…‘ with The Beast’s review of Ant Man & The Wasp and more importantly In Bed With Chris Needham.

<ITEM> PISSCRIME!

<ITEM> When Wakes The Reviewniverse? RIGHT NOW PUNX! Lotsa chat including Swamp Thing 60, League of Extraordinary Gentelemen: Tempest, Grave Horticulture, Demon by Jason Shiga, Eve Stranger, Immoral Hulk, Immortal Hulk, Hey Listen!, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and The Freshmen Force, Green Lantern, Hellblazer 40 and probably more. Oh and probably Game of Thrones. But more importantly The Shitpipe Chronicles.

<ITEM> NEW FEATURE ALERT. The Beast Unboxes, featuring the thrilling sounds of a man opening packages in the toilet!!

<ITEM> No more, greedy guts!

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TURTLES HAVE SHORT LEGS, NOT FOR WALKING

BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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UUUURB!

<ITEM> Oh look it’s another SILENCE! Or is it? Yes it is.

<ITEM> Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die mix background noise and prattle in a delicious, perfectly seasoned slow-cooked stew. Sponsorship! True Piss Crime! The Rule Of Three podcast on Leo Baxendale’s Willy The Kid! Black Summer! Admin! Something different in every spoonful! Tuck in!

<ITEM> Come with us to Reviewniverse with Myfanwy Tristram’s Ladies Of The Lakes, Grave Horticulture, Animal Man, Rad Erwank and Conspiracy Dog, Batman: Venom, Batman: Proficiency, My Pretty Vampire and a proper good discussion of Kieron Gillen and Caspar Wijngaard’s Peter Cannon: Thunderbolt.

<ITEM> Reckymends: Andrew Hickey’s A History Of Rock Music in Five Hundred Songs

<ITEM> Shall we?

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I’M JUST LIVING IN A LIFE WITHOUT MEANING. I JUST WALK AND WALK AND DO NOTHING

Imagine a blurb, stamping on your comics. Forever.

STOMP! Take that, you chromatic, fully painted, prestige format, limited edition, ashcan piece of sh*t!

Are we having fun yet?

<ITEM> It’s been a while but we’re back in style. well, not really. We’re just back. In a way we’ve sort of slunk in the back and tried to sit down without anyone noticing. SILENCE! What? We’ve always been here.

<ITEM> Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die bringing you our usual mix of incompetence and insouciance – comics opinionating just the way you like it. Admin, Sponsorshiup? Yup! Discussion of Comics Crossovers as euphemisms for Toilet Breaks? Right here baby!

<ITEM> Reviewniverse time! There’s a hefty discussion of Heroes in Crisis (Cry-sis more like amirite??) The Skrulls, Zack Soto’s ‘Secret Voice’, the 1989 Catwoman series, and a bunch more that I can’t remember cos it’s been so long since we recorded. Find out for yourself! Life’s like a box of chocolates apparently.

<ITEM> Some reckymends? yeah probably

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PUT A RED NOSE ON YOUR CONK AND LET’S STONK

Imagine world. Go on, close your eyes, imagine a world. Come on, Imagine a world. A whole world. Quickly! COME ON! NO, NOT THAT WORLD, IT’S TOO MUCH LIKE THIS ONE! THINK OF A BETTER WORLD! Ah, forget it. No, don’t bother.

Imagine a blurb. Okay? Good.

<ITEM>Uncharacteristically scorchingly hot on the heels of SILENCE!#263 comes SILENCE!#264!  Too much?  Never enough?  Never mind, Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die remain consistently inconsistent.

<ITEM>We hope you enjoyed the SILENCE! Special with Gareth A. Hopkins, pick up a copy of Petrichor here.

<ITEM>BIG NEWS! We will be joining Al Kennedy for a special SILENCE! To Astonish Live! at the Glasgow Comic Con on June 29th.  Come along and make it good!  Not only that but The Beast Must Die will be exhibiting at the Leicester Horror Con!  

<ITEM>The Beast has a few choice words to say about Neil Gaiman’s Writing Masterclass and Lactus has a few random words regarding the experience of watching Ant Man and The Wasp on screens of various sizes.  Mr. Die has also seen half of Ready Player One but I hardly think that’s enough for him to have formed an opinion about it.  THINK AGAIN!

<ITEM>Come with us to Reviewniverse, with The Female Furies, Doomsday Clock, X-Force, Captain Clyde, Emotional Data: Test Tube Sugar Baby, The Quiet Place, the Captain Marvel Movie and you of course!

<ITEM>To see you out there’s some Dadmin regarding Hey Duggee (good) and Bing (anxiety inducing).  Gary bemoans the ridiculousness of iTunes (please rate and review us) and The Beast recommends the Chart Music podcast.

<ITEM>No more items, just listening.

@silencepod
@bobsymindless
@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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