SILENCE! #293

April 20th, 2021

I’LL SAVE MY BREATH AND TAKE IT WITH ME, TIL A HUNDRED YEARS OR SO

Blurbs.  Does anyone actually read them?  The Beast must Die created this format for the SILENCE! show notes and it has become a hated chore for whoever is unfortunate enough to be creating it.  Am I just typing into a void?  Tell you what, if you’re reading this, let us know by writing the secret phrase, “OH DEAR LORD MY GUTS ARE FULL OF SQUID!” and tweeting us, emailing to us or posting it on the Facebook page.  Thanks.

<ITEM> The Beast Must Die is back to save Christmas a full eight months early.

<ITEM> The Beast has got naked and gone bathing in a world of eased restrictions, rubbing dusty old comics all over himself.  Full report inside.

<ITEM>  Gary Lactus has a great new business idea.

<ITEM>  Come with us to Reviewniverse, with The Union, The Spiral Cage and 2000AD‘s Summer Offensive featuring Judge Dredd, Big Dave, Slaughter Bowl, Really and Truly and Maniac 5 of course.

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You can support us using Patreon if you like.

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.

 

SILENCE! #292

April 14th, 2021

Broken partings making strange goodbyes.  Hopeless cases with fake alibis

This is your blurb.  Deal with it, yeah?

<ITEM> Get excited because this SILENCE! is a The Beast Must Die Solo Special!  By that we mean The Beast is extremely busy and off on his own, working hard and, crucially, not appearing on this podcast.

<ITEM> Nevertheless, Gary Lactus loves to party (alone in his car like sad, middle aged man who is wondering where it all went wrong) so he’s invited some top guests to fool around with and have a really great time.

<ITEM> What’s that sound of creaking gears and whining servos?  Why, it’s Spare 5 who, although not a real boy, has real things to say about David Lapham’s Silverfish and the film, Psycho II whilst Gary moans about superheroes in general.

<ITEM>  Douglas Noble comes along to talk about Pocket Chillers and Tarzan.  Interesting to note that Douglas danced part of a 1980 Legs And Co routine continuously throughout recording.  Of course, this is an audio-only presentation and doesn’t come accross when listening.  Shame, he’s quite good.

<ITEM>  Maid Of Nails aka Kelly Kanayama sings some of her hits in between talk about Hellblazer: Royal Blood, Royalty, Amateur Demonology, Garth Ennis and A Walk Through Hell.  Oh, and a Korean Drama which might be called Worlds Apart or something like that.

<ITEM> Finally Tom Mortimer provides the weird, human cherry on top of this cocktail made from old, found booze which tastes surprisingly pleasant.  I mean, this is mostly bullshit but there’s some stuff about Blue And Green, Severed and Skrull Kill Crew in there.

<ITEM>LISTEN!

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

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You can support us using Patreon if you like.

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.

 

SILENCE! #291

March 30th, 2021

WELL THEY LOOK SO GOOD I WANNA EAT ‘EM, AND THEY TASTE SO GOOD i GET TO NEED ‘EM

Okay, I want you to split into two teams. Now you guys are the red team, and you guys are team two. Now, everyone in the blue team needs to split up into teams of one and practice the trust exercises I showed you earlier. Team One, I want you to elect a leader then shout any ideas that come into your head at them. There’s no bad ideas here, brown sky thinking but you have to do this in complete silence. Okay, now I want the green team to split into two groups then those groups who will be Team A and Team Seven. Those teams then need to split in two once more and those groups split in two again and agin until everyone is in Team Blood Red And Bisected Lying Dead On The Floor. I’m off to the staff room to watch pornography. And Richard? You write the blurb.

They said it could easily be done and they were right!  It’s SILENCE! #291!

<ITEM>Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die have both got into separate scrapes recently.  Listen to them tell you all about it in the new feature, SILENCE! Because The Internet’s A Prick!

<ITEM>SILENCE! (Because The Film’s Started). The Beast Must Die has seen a film and that film Justice League, The Snyder Cut.

<ITEM> Gary Lactus is now doing commissions so get in touch with him as he needs the money.

<ITEM>Come with us to Reviewniverse, with Pssst!, Kiss Of death by John Watkiss, The Eternals and Darker Image of course!

<ITEM>Buy Gary Lactus’ comics at frasergeesin.com.

<ITEM>Buy The Beast Must Die’s comics at milkthecat.wordpress.com.

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

You can support us using Patreon if you like.

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.

 

SILENCE! #290

February 28th, 2021

I ASKED THE ICE, IT WOULD NOT SAY BUT ONLY CRACKED OR MOVED AWAY

Daddy, I don’t want to write the blurb.
But you said you wanted to write the blurb.
I don’t want to write the blurb. I want to play with the train track.
Okay, I’ll set up the train track for you… There you go.
Daddy I don’t want to play with the train track.
But I just made the train track for you.
But I don’t want to play with the train track!
What do you want to do, then?
I want to write the blurb.

We said it would happen and here it is! SILENCE! 290!

<ITEM>Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die kick off this momentous recording with some of the finest chat on Earth, forged in the white hot heat of aimlessness then cooled in the pure waters of lockdown boredom then tempered with the hammer of pointlessness on the anvil of stretched metaphors. That is to say, they talk about John Cooper Clarke’s autobiography, I Wanna Be Yours, the Stan Lee biography, True Believer, Richard Herring’s Ball, King Rocker and Birds Of Prey.  Oh, and they totally forget to mention any sponsors but do remember to plug their new, Patreon-only podcast, Dan and Fraser’s Starlight Adventures!

<ITEM>BANG! AAAAARGH! Gary opens a Lorne Bomb!

<ITEM>Come with us to Reviewniverse, with Deadline, Keif Llama: Vectors, Huntress, Kraven The Last Hunt, Si Spencer and Grave Horticulture of course!

<ITEM>Listening time!


@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

You can support us using Patreon if you like.

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.

 

SILENCE! #289

January 27th, 2021

THE GAME WILL NEVER BE OVER BECAUSE WE’RE KEEPING THE DREAM ALIVE

Oh my goodness gracious! Ugh! What’s that unholy stench? Oh, I see. It’s bloody Gary Lactus writing the blurb. Why’s HE writing the blurb? He’s crap at writing the blurb, (and he smells). Huh? It’s The Beast Must Die’s birthday?! And Gary’s special gift to his best pal is writing the blurb for him? Man, that’s a shit present! Is that literally all he’s doing for him? What a chundering arsehole! I’m glad I don’t have a “friend” like Gary Lactus.

Welcome dearest of listeners to the closest thing The Beast Must Die will get to a birthday Party. Here’s a special podcast for a very special boy.

<ITEM>There’a a luxuriously long preamble where your main characters talk merrily about Big Train, Look Around You and The Geesin Family OutputThe Lovecraft Investigations, The Beef And Dairy Network and  Petscop. Oh, and The Beast reviews Gary Lactus’s Journey To The Surface Of The Earth #2, still interminably available from FraserGeesin.com

<ITEM>Eventually they get round to talking about some comics.  What are those comics?  These are those comics:  Batman Annual #5, Judge Dredd: Crusade, Dog Man, Deathshead:  Body In Question and Jim.

<ITEM>As promised last week, The Beast takes Gary on the start of a choose-your-own adventure!  This could be the start of something beautiful.

<ITEM>Time to listen!


@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

You can support us using Patreon if you like.

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.

 

SILENCE! #288

January 9th, 2021

BILLY THE KID DID WHAT HE DID AND HE DIED

Boy did you see that? That was something wasn’t it? It sure was something. What do you mean what was it? I have no idea. I just know it was something. Yes sir, it sure was. Something, that is. Couldn’t say for sure exactly what, but let me tell you I know that it was *something*. I know what it wasn’t though. It sure wasn’t a BLURB.

<ITEM> New Year, New SILENCE! New Year, New Podcast! New Year same old sad sacks of mince Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die!

<ITEM> It’s a packed episode, designed to fill the howling voids of uncertainty in your brains. First up SILENCE! Cos I’m Watching The Telly! wherein the Beast talks up the myriad pleasures of the Doom Patrol TV show. Then the pair have a good old natter about Feels Good Man, the strange and depressing descent of Pepe The Frog.

<ITEM> Take a hop, skip, slip and plunge into the Reviewniverse. Happy talky talky happy talk, talk about  things you like to read….The Far Side, Calvin & Hobbes, Midnight Men, Howard Chaykin Bingo, Pirate Corp$, 2000AD Xmas special, Judge Dredd: Book Of The Dead, World Judges and a lot (not much) more

<ITEM> I’m tired. Go away please.

<ITEM> Just kidding, I kiss.

 

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

You can support us using Patreon if you like.

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.

 

SILENCE! #287

December 18th, 2020

 

DEEP BLUE, I VOTED YOU SPORTS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR

“YOU THERE BOY! WHAT DAY IS IT?”
“It’s Christmas Day, sir!”
“Then there’s still time! Tell me, boy; is that fat goose still in the window of the butcher’s?”
“Yes, sir!”
“Then take this money and go buy it for Bob Cratchit and his family!”
“But it’s Christmas day, sir. The butcher’s is closed.”
“Oh… Then smash the window and grab the fat goose!”
“Sir, you DO know that it’s just a display fat goose? It’s the plastic one that’s there every year.”
“Why, you saucy urchin! Any more cheek from you and I’ll give you a thrashing! Now smash that window, grab the fat goose and take it to Bob Cratchit’s house!”
“Fuck off, mate!”

HOX3 Etc. Welcome to our very, very special December 18th episode of SILENCE! It’s like a scrooge convention in here. Come in, the water’s filthy and will probably give you dysentery.

After some moaning about everything (including the lack of interest in Gary’s own comic, Journey To The Surface Of The Earth), there’s some bigging up of the belated SILENCE! To Astonish cyber-panel at Digi-Thought Virtual-Bubble. Oh, and Gary Lactus has almost written a song for The Beast Must Die but not really.

The Reviewniverse beckons, covering James Stokoe’s Won Ton Soup, Elektra Assassin, Goddess, Wildcat, Green Arrow, We Only Find Them When They’re Dead, Havok and Wolverine: Meltdown, some Fred Egg comics and probably some other stuff.

After some final complaints it’s off you go, back to the rubbish timeline we all seem to be stuck in. Ugh!

 

 

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

You can support us using Patreon if you like.

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.

 

SILENCE! #286

November 11th, 2020

 

BUT DON’T DESPAIR, THIS DAY WILL BE THEIR DAMNEDEST DAY

BARMAN! Hey barman! It’s been a heckuva day all over hasn’t it? Just a HECKUVA day. I’ll be goddamned. My throat is parched. So why don’t you sidle over here and pour me a nice stiff podcast. Straight, no chaser, just make sure it’s got a real high percentage of unqualified opinions. Maybe top it up with juuuust a touch of hot air.  Perfect. Now I’lm gonna knock this down and shake off this goddamned day.

What do you mean, tip?

<ITEM> It’s a brand new day, a bdand new world, a brand new existence! But more than that it’s a brand new SILENCE!  with your hoary old pals Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die. Couldn’t you just kiss them on their wet little noses?

<ITEM> Some honest-to-goodness Sponsorship, some chat about the apparent exit of the world’s orangest, angriest baby, and news of our digitable at the virtual ThoughT Bubble 2020 festival…

<ITEM>Reviewniverse time baaaaaybee and it’s packed to the gills with comic shaped treats: The Green Lantern, We Only Find Them When They’re Dead, Excalibur, Happy Hour, Bad Boy, Xerxes, X’ed Out, The Hive, Sugar Skull: Last Look by Charles Burns, Judge Dredd: The Complete Case Files Vol 1 and Dire Fucking Straits

<ITEM> Did we already tell you to BUY OUR SHIT?

ALL ITEMED OUT

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

You can support us using Patreon if you like.

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.

 

SILENCE! #285

September 29th, 2020

 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO MORE? ALL OF THE RATIONS? SOUND THE ALARM, THERE MUST BE A STOWAWAY!

After you.

No please, I insist after you.

Really dear boy, I absolutely mean it – after you.

Dear me no, don’t be silly, I wouldn’t DREAM of it. AFTER YOU.

TSK, TSK, I SIMPLY WON’T HAVE IT GOOD FELLOW….. AFTER. YOU.

NNNNNNNNNGGGGHHH….PPPPPPOPPYCOCK GOOD SIR…AFTER.   YOU.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFTERRRRRRRRRRRRRR YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

Well, if you’re oing to start coming on all hoity-toity… I say. Where’s the door gone?

<ITEM> Comics, baby, just the way the everlovin’ everlastin’ intended. All served up by those worn-out skin-suits Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die in a salty dish of SILENCE!

<ITEM> Some thrilling cat-related updates, then a hotttt new section ‘SILENCE.. I’M LISTENING TO SOMETHING ELSE!‘ with The Beast’s reckymend of the SYFY podcast ‘Behind the Panel’ detailing the history of Vertigo Comics and the general aceness of Karen Berger.

<ITEM>The duplicity of Neil Gaiman, and Warren Ellis doesn’t like Jack Kirby!

<ITEM> Let’s do it. You and me pal. Let’s really do it. Let’s go into the Reviewniverse, pal. You, me and comics, together in a tree. Bill and Ted are Doomed, Aliens: Book One and Dark Horse’s franchise comics in general, Billionaire Island, Deadline #13, Jackpot, kids in baths of lemonade and just a whole hunka rambling love more…

<ITEM> BYE BYE

@frasergeesin
@thebeastmustdie

[email protected]

You can support us using Patreon if you like.

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.