Mindless Ones

THOSE WHO KNOW, THEY DON’T LET IT SHOW

Gary Lactus is joined by Al To Astonish as they do their best to reconstruct the SILENCE! To Astonish! panel at this year’s Thought Bubble in lieu of a usable recording. Worst Christmas gift ever? YOU DECIDE!

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PHOTOS! IT’S LIKE YOU WERE THERE!

Writing.

This is what I got video wise.

[image or embed]

— Gareth A Hopkins (@grthink.bsky.social) November 17, 2024 at 12:35 PM

Here’s the script for the show…

AL: Welcome, To SILENCE! To Astonish! It’s the comic book quiz which dares to ask the question “if you could be a celebrity’s shoe, which shoe, which celebrity, and why?” It’s the quiz about which Stan Lee once said “I invented that quiz”. The quiz which was written by three men in a small hotel room drinking white wine out of tiny water glasses and coffee mugs while their families slept hundreds of miles away, their children’s irreplaceable golden days slipping away faster than they can possibly hope to ever catch up to, melting like snow as the sun rises, while they write jokes about Cyclops

 (one of us does a big COMICS motion).  

We’re Here at Thought Bubble in Harrogate which while being a mid-size north yorkshire town made up of wine bars, tea rooms and shops that sell gillets to red-trouser wearing quasi-fascist fox-hunting bell-ends, is also statistically the biggest consumer of online porn in the UK. It also has the highest rate of hazardous drinking. (and that’s an actual fact Jack! Google it)

 Could this be because there is one weekend each year where loads of drunk wankers turn up? Could it be Thought Bubble doing this? Or could it be some of the other prestigious shows at the Harrogate convention centre: The Flooring Show, The Knitting and Stitching Show, Northern Homebuilding & Renovating Show, Brian Blessed’s appearance at the Harrogate Film Festival, Harrogate Fashion Week, Bridal Week, The Dairy Industries Expo, Home and Gift Buyer’s Festival, The Federation of Independent Retailers convention or An Audience With Monty Don. Or maybe it’s our fantastic panellists, Ram 5, Stephanie Phillips, David Brothers and Chrissy Williams!

Dan: So let’s start with a little ice breaker, get us a bit loosened up, can the panel please turn to the person next to them and say your most primal fear.

(Al and Fraser shout LOOSEN UP at them)

Fraser: Panel, New York Comic Con saw the announcement of the return of Vertigo. If you had to create an entire line of comics based on another Alfred Hitchcock movie, what movie would it be, what would be your launch title, and who would colour it?

Al: Panel, this year Marvel introduced “Red Band” comics, which are like normal comics, but for people who are worried that their mum might find out what they’re reading. If you could put one comic in a polybag so nobody had to see it, which comic would it be? 

• Dan: Panel, most comic book crossovers have names that sound like a euphemism for a very bad time in the toilet. For example – Maximum Carnage, Blood and Thunder, Starblast and Fall of the Mutants. Please let us have an example of a real comics crossover that sounds like someone trying to clandestinely indicate that they have just had an episode of gastric distress. We’re going to do this quickfire and if you can’t name one you’re out, last one standing gets five points

Al: Ram 5 you are writing the New Gods. Do you know what else is good? New dogs. If you had a new dog, what kind of dog would it be and what would you call it? 

Dan: Chrissy Williams, what advice would you give to someone trying to break into the glamorous and lucrative world of being a poet?

Fraser: Stephanie Phillips, you currently write Phoenix for Marvel. If you could set fire to one animal, which would it be, and why?

Al: David Brothers, you have a series coming out from Dysentry called Time Waits. That sounds a bit like Tom Waits. Last night, after three glasses of cheap white wine, Gary Lactus came up with a brilliant question based on the premise that Tom Waits was in Interview With The Vampire, whereas he was in fact actually in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Nevertheless. We didn’t want to waste that gold, so if you had to interview a vampire, what would you ask them, and why? 

Dan: Panel, throughout the quiz, we will be setting you each a CHALLENGE. (Challenge).

Chrissy Williams, for your CHALLENGE, write us a limerick about one of the X-Men, you have a number of time

Fraser: Ram 5, you used to be a chemical engineer. Now you write award-winning comic books featuring some of the most famous characters in fiction. How disappointed are your parents?

Al: Stephanie Phillips, you’ve written Harley Quinn, a comic about a clown with a big hammer. What’s the funniest act of violence you’ve ever committed?

Dan: David Brothers, for your CHALLENGE, here are cards with the names of the Summers brothers, and the rest of Cyclops’s family, on them. Make an accurate family tree, you have one minute.

Fraser: Chrissy Williams, let’s hear your limerick.While we’ve got you here, your comic Golden Rage is a story of old ladies who are deposited on an island, and was described by Kelly Sue DeConnick as “Battle Royale meets the Golden Girls”. On the basis that this has the potential to be a new trend, please give us your pitch for another harrowing movie crossed with a sitcom, such as Battle Beyond The Stars meets Allo Allo. Now give us 10 more.

Al: Stephanie Phillips, a quick google tells me that you are the half-sister of Princess Anne’s daughter Zara Tindall, and daughter of former Olympian Mark Phillips. What is the Queen really like, and what is her favourite comic? (the answer is a tie between the Ostrander Suicide Squad and Heartstopper)

Dan: Ram 5, you’ve just finished a run on Detective Comics, starring Detective John Comics of the NYPD, famously the World’s Greatest Detective. What clues would you plant if you were trying to get caught by a famous detective, like Inspector Morse or Columbus, because you fancy them?

Fraser: David Brothers, you were the creator of the influential comics blog, 4thLetter. What’s the third letter ©? What’s the twelfth letter? Whats the 48th letter? What’s the 19th letter? I dunno, probably, it’s your blog. (Who’s the 13th beatle?)

Al: Stephanie Phillips, you recently wrote Spider-Gwen, the Ghost Spider. If a ghost fought a spider, who would be most scared of whom? For your CHALLENGE, we are going to give you several more fights between creatures. We googled the answers to these match-ups, without using AI, so the answers are definitely true and correct. You just have to tell us which of the following did the internet say would win in the bout in question?

• A GRIZZLY BEAR versus A LION? (A bear – a lion’s skull is quite thin and the bear’s paws are adapted for bludgeoning)
• A KOMODO DRAGON versus a SALTWATER CROCODILE? (The crocodile – they are immune to reptile venoms and have a terrain advantage over the non-amphibious dragons)
• A RAM versus a BULL? (A ram – a cow’s skull is not built to withstand sudden blunt force trauma)
• A HORSE versus a CAMEL? (the camel – they give off a scent pheromone which horses hate)
• A LANTERNSHARK versus a BIG LOBSTER (the lobster – a lanternshark is about six inches long)
• A POLAR BEAR versus a NARWHAL? (the polar bear – narwhals are frequently hunted for food by polar bears)
• An EAGLE versus a BEAR? (the bear – the eagle is Philadelphia Eagles player Travis Kelce, who while big, is no match for Chicago Bears legend Dick Butkus)
• A CAPUCHIN versus a CAPSICUM – (the capuchin – a capsicum is a kind of pepper)
• DUMBO’S MUM versus BABAR? (Babar – he is king of the elephants and can therefore command the elephant army)
• A HUMAN versus a ZOMBIE? (the human – zombies are pretend)

Dan: Chrissy Williams, you recently worked with Tom Humberstone on Introduction to Charts. Here is a chart. It is a nervous and socially anxious type who is about to make an after dinner speech. Please deliver an introduction to this chart that wins over the room and gives it the spirit and self-belief to follow you on stage and give the speech of a lifetime.

Fraser: David Brothers, you wrote a backup strip in the comic Newburn. If you could set fire to one animal, which would it be and why?

Al: Ram 5, you garnered acclaim last year for your series Rare Flavours. For your CHALLENGE, here are a collection of jelly beans. One of these is not the same flavour as any of the others. Please identify the rarest flavour.

Dan: I need to go for a wee

Fraser: You may not know this, but me and The Beast Must Die do a podcast where we play through a little known series of adventure gamebooks from 1985 aimed predominantly at girls called Starlight Adventures.  The podcast’s called Dan and Fraser’s Starlight Adventures. We have written a short text adventure for the panel in the style of the Starlight Adventures

1

You work in the exciting world of comics.  You’ve worked hard to earn your position and have come a long way from your days spent photocopying your own “small press” or “zines” comics. You are in an hotel room having a cup of tea made with the complimentary kettle.  You always dreamt of this day and now it has arrived.  You proudly examine a lanyard and beautifully laminated pass with the word “guest” written on it in bright, fun, colourful letters that echo the bright, fun, colourful world of comics books or “graphics novels” as they’re sometimes called. The comics convention (or “con” for short) is called the Big Pow Con and you are to join some of the biggest stars from the world of comics books and graphics novels such as Shawna Wembly who was an alien in the a Star Fights film, Roger Degrado who was on Doctor Time once and in Casualty loads and star guest Scoopy Brigsberg from America, famed for his Super Eagle comics book. You make your way to the convention centre. The nerves in your tummy start to disappear as you show your guest pass and a member of staff tells you where to find your table, your home for the next two days. “If there’s anything you want, just find one of our stewards”, says the handsome staff member. Passing down your row of tables, you see your old friend Rod Burridge, still making his small press zines comics, hoping for a big break. Either side of your table you see Roger Degrado to the left and Scoopy Brigsberg himself to the right. 

If you stop and talk to Rod, turn to 75

If you would rather talk to Roger Degrado, turn to 120

If you want to pluck up the courage to speak to Scoopy, turn to 21

If you’d rather settle into your table turn to 89

75

(If first) Rod seems happy to see you and is excited to hear about the big project with the big publisher, Exciting Comics you’ll be announcing tomorrow. Although once you’ve told him about your new comic series, “Blood Laser 2000”, Rod starts to crackle4 madly. His head begins to melt, revealing underneath the notorious gossip sniffer, Rich Johnsonson. He has conned a hig story out of you. Your bosses at Exciting Comics will be furious. You have failed.

(If last) Rod is excitedd to see you and seems very excited.  He’s finally got his big break, collaborating with ALAN MOORE!  AND HERE HE IS!

120

(if First) You introduce yourself to Roger Degrado who instantly starts telling anecdotes about his time on Casualty, not letting you get a word in edgeways. Even though it’s 9am, you can smell cheap vodka on his breath.  Desperate to shut him up, you blurt out about your new comic series, “Blood Laser 2000” to be published by the huge comics publisher, Exciting Comics and that you’ll be making this big announcement at the Exciting Comics panel tomorrow.  It is to be the jewel in the crown of the weekend. Degrado stares at you blankly and starts talking about Casualty again.  Just then, you notice a scurrying figure on its hand and knees underneath Degrado’s table.  OH NO!  It’s scrupulous news hound, Rich Johnsonson and he’s heard everything!  You’ve blown the exclusive!  Your adventure ends here.

(If Last) You introduce yourself to Roger Degrado who instantly starts telling anecdotes about his time on Casualty, not letting you get a word in edgeways.  His sour, cheap vodka breath is hard to escape. Thankfully, a hand on your shoulder rescues you.  IT’S ALAN MOORE!  AND HERE HE IS!

21

(If first) Scoopy Brigsberg, a short man with incredibly high hair, doesn’t seem very impressed by you, his eyes darting around, looking for someone more impressive to talk to. Keen to impress him, you furtively tell him about the secret big project with the big publisher, Exciting Comics and that you will be announcing “Blood Laser 2000” the next day as the climax to the convention.  “Whatever, kid” replies Scoopy.  You are mortified.  Then you notice something in his hair.  OH NO!  It’s professional scandal hawker Rich Johnsonson and he’s heard everything!  Exciting comics will be furious and you will almost certainly lose the job!  This is the end of your journey.

(If last) Scoopy Brigsberg, a short man with incredibly high hair, doesn’t seem very impressed by you, his eyes darting around, looking for someone more impressive to talk to. Incredibly, his eyes light up when he sees ALAN MOORE.  To your amazement he walks towards the pair of you, ignoring Scoopy and choosing to talk to YOU!  AND HERE HE IS!

89

(If first)You settle into your seat and check you’ve got your flask of coffee, sandwiches and best signing pens.  As the morning progresses, you can’t help but feel a little disappointed that the queues for the tables either side of you are noticeably longer than yours.  During a lull in proceedings, you take out your notes for the big announcement of tomorrow of “Blood Laser 2000”, your hot project with mega publisher, “Exciting Comics”.  As you read you smell something odd, like piss and Lynx.  You sense a presence and turn round.  OH NO! It’s comics tripe raker Rich Johnsonson and he’s read all of your notes.  The exclusive announcement is ruined!  Exciting Comics will fire you for sure!  Your quest has ended

(If Last) You settle into your seat and check you’ve got your flask of coffee, sandwiches and best signing pens.  As the morning progresses, you can’t help but feel a little disappointed that the queues for the tables either side of you are noticeably longer than yours.  During a lull in proceedings, you take out your notes for the big announcement of tomorrow of “Blood Laser 2000”, your hot project with mega publisher, “Exciting Comics”. As you read through the notes, you smell the unmistakable whiff of “skunk weed”.  You can’t believe your eyes as you look up to see ALAN MOORE!  AND HERE HE IS!

Dan:

HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS! IT’S ME! ALAN MOORE!  Now then, boys and girls, as you know, oi have eschewed comics to follow my real passion, Adventure Game Books!  Moi new series, Choose Moore Own Adventures will be launched very soon . Oi toyed with many possible titles, Northampton of Chaos.

Forest of Northampton.

Northampton Voyager.

Pit of Northampton

You are Northampton but settled on

The Warlock of Northampton Mountain and I’m going to give you boys and girls a little preview.

You foind yourself in moi kitchen in Northampton, relaxing after finishing a 4000 page exegesis on how everything that oi used to loike is now rubbish. Do you 

• Decide to roll an enormous spliff (turn to p342)
• Make a nice cup of tea (turn to p23)

Whatever they say you simply state all the other options in the answer

You foind yourself in moi baaaaaathroom, having just passed an immensely satisfying bowel movement, the size of a copy of moi novel Jerusalem. Do you

• Continue reading your copy of the Northampton Post (turn to p46)
• Send Grant Morrison a does of psychic herpes (turn to p12,903)

You found yourself out in my gaaaaahden, having gone out to shake your fist at some lingering Watchmen fans. After that you, do you

• Write an incredibly amusing song in comics form that will in no way interrupt the flow of the story and piss off it’s readers as they try and sing it in their heads to a tune that they can’t conceive (turn to p1)
• Invent a completely new language from scratch with working linguistic rules and grammatical functions, that absolutely adds nothing to the story and just infuriates readers, actually quagrupling the time taken to read the fucking comic. (turn to p677)

Well done girls and boys, you all made excellent  choices. Now make your way to page infinity…

You settle with a big spliff and a noice cup of tea to watch the sunset over Northampton (which is the only place in the world where the sun sets). You flip on the telly just in time for the regional heats of Britain’s longest running televisual quiz, Speedcock. Which reminds me, it’ll be on in a minute, I should get home. Goodbye boys and girls 

We do Speedcock, and very few people die