Mindless Ones

It’s four years after the events of Batman 666, and Batman, aided and abetted by a new Robin (a re-wired Dollatron: Damian Wayne’s best pal, supertank and portable batcomputer rolled into one), Ace the Batmobile (half bat-themed Godzilla, half mobile fortress with a detachable head that doubles up as a car) and the kind of technology one would more commonly find in an Ian M Banks novel find themselves battling a new breed of villain in a city teetering on the edge of madness.

The Gotham of tomorrow is a fusion of all its previous incarnations: the playground, the gothic wonderland and the hardboiled urban sprawl. Half its population have floated away into it’s virtual reality suburb, Toytown, and a sizeable percentage of the DCU’s magical community have relocated to its outer fringes. Then there’s the influx of other even weirder immigrants from as near as the Plateau of Leng and as far away as 3,000000,00000,000000000 BC. Throw in the increased degeneration of the natural environment globally, just for good measure, and the city’s beginning to feel like a pressure cooker, where all the lunacy confined to Arkham in bygone years is spilling out. Gotham’s certainly at the centre of something, it’s just that, as yet, nobody seems to have any idea what that might mean.

In the first story arc, Snake Charmer, the Sensei unleashed a reality virus programmed to destroy Toytown and cripple the city by plunging its users/inhabitants into an apocalyptic virtual world in which the new Batman never existed. This virtual assault threatened to fry the brains of Gotham’s online citizenry, until Batman and Robin managed to rewrite the virus’s programming from inside the virtual hell, turning it against its makers and preventing the Sensei and his wife, Agrat Bat Malhat, from detonating a nuke in the city’s docklands. Why did the Sensei decide to show his hand after all this time? Nobody knows, but it’s clear he had a hidden agenda. The word on the street is: ‘apocalypse’.

Two weeks have elapsed since the Sensei was handed over to Gotham’s weirdest custodians, the Wonderlanders, but, Just as our heroes were starting to relax, disaster struck. Most of Gotham’s citizens, unable to properly recollect what happened during the Sensei’s attack, dismissed the bizarre events as a glitch in Toytown’s functioning, but some did not. Gotham contains more than its fair share of super-intellects and one of them intends to use the information that Batman is Damian Wayne against him. To this end s/he contracts three assassins to work through a list of Damian’s friends, and although hir ultimate purpose is not yet clear, we’ve already seen some terrible consequences.

Robin and her new boyfriend, the super-werewolf Judah Running Dog, barely escaped with their lives after a run in with the beautiful but deadly Lady Matilda Dewitt. Robin went toe to toe with Matilda while Judah and Naomi Fox (daughter of Lucius Fox, CEO of Wayne Industries), the assassin’s apparent target, made good their escape, eventually finding themselves cornered in an alleyway by Lady Matilda’s terrifying pet, Puppy, and another assassin known only as the Black Rabbit. Luckily Batman arrived on the scene at the last minute, teleporting the alley to the other side of the city far from the rabbit, and the batmobile devoured Puppy. Robin, meanwhile, managed to defeat Puppy’s master, but on the way to meet up with her friends made an awful discovery. The first two assassins were just a distraction, and while the heroes were being tied up in knots by Matilda and the rest, the third killer, the monstrous Action Figure, was set loose on a boardroom full of Wayne Industries’ employees, leaving Lucius Fox in a coma….

PAGE 1

PANEL 1

The camera floats high over the Gotham skyline as the sun’s first rays tear a pink and blue gash in the retreating night sky. We’re right at the top of Wayne Tower, one of the biggest superscrapers in Gotham, thousands of feet up, and we can feel the air get thinner, colder, and the mind wrenching depth of all that space above us. We can’t see the tower yet because the camera’s facing in the opposite direction, but we can just about make out the tiny shape of the batmobile, flying away from the sunrise and towards us.

SPEECH BUBBLE: SO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE’RE UP AGAINST?

SPEECH BUBBLE: I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU DON’T DOWNLOAD IT ALL FROM THE COMPUTER.

PANEL 2

He gets closer, Sun glinting off his blue scales and red cockpit.

SPEECH BUBBLE: MY HARDWARE’S STILL GROGGY AFTER MY RUN IN WITH LITTLE MISS I’VE-GOT-NO-EARDRUMS BACK THERE.

SPEECH BUBBLE: ANYWAY, IT’S BETTER WHEN YOU TELL IT. MORE DRAMATIC.

SPEECH BUBBLE: WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

PANEL 3

Closer still. We can see inside the cockpit now. Robin, Judah and Batman are crammed into the front seat. Batman’s sat in the middle between them, but even though Judah’s reverted back to his human form, he’s a pretty big guy and between him and the new Dark Knight it’s a bit of a squeeze. Nobody looks very comfortable and Batman and Robin appear to be in the middle of an argument. He stares into the middle distance, trying to give the impression he’s concentrating on driving, but the batmobile’s on autopilot and in reality he’s really pissed off with Robin and he doesn’t want to look her in the eye. Robin’s facing away from him too, ‘cloudwatching’, which basically translates as hugging her legs and sulking. Judah’s just bemused. It’s been a weird night. Who knew Batman and Robin bickered like children?

BATMAN: WE’VE JUST LEFT NAOMI SOBBING AT THE BEDSIDE OF MY OLDEST FRIEND, ROBIN.THIS IS A SICK TIME TO BREAK OUT THE POPCORN.

ROBIN: TSSK! I ONLY ASKED.

(2): AND YOU KNOW I DON’T NEED TO EAT.

PANEL 4

The camera rotates as the batmobile passes it. We now have the side view. Batman turns, lecturing Robin, who’s facing us. She’s frowns like a grumpy eight year old.

BATMAN: DON’T BE FACETIOUS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

(2): YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY ACTING LIKE A PERSON OCCASSIONALLY.

ROBIN: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!

PANEL 5

We swivel all the way round and are nearly blinded by the light bursting off the tower’s windows. We’re really close to it. So close in fact that it looks as though Ace is going to crash.

ROBIN: I’D ALSO LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT JUDAH DOESN’T HAVE ACCESS TO THE COMPUTER’S DATA-TANKS.

BATMAN: FOR GOD’S SAKE.

ROBIN: BOSS, YOU KNOW FULL WELL YOU AND I ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WITH WETCHIPS CONFIGURED TO USE IT…

PAGE 2

PANEL 1

Ace approaches a huge glass window just below the WI logo at the top of the building.

BATMAN: ‘PEOPLE’? I THOUGHT WE’D ALREADY ESTABLISHED…

ROBIN: GO ON!

BATMAN: TT!

PANEL 2

He starts to pass through it.

BATMAN: OKAY THEN.

PANEL 3

He disappears through the glass. It ripples.

BATMAN: BUT NO TALKING AT THE BACK.

PANEL 4

Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson, from behind, zooming down one of Gotham’s main drags in the Batmobile from the 1960s TV show. Their capes flap in the wind as they jump a red light. I’d like it to be sunset, just to feed the impression that this is a lighter, more childlike time, as opposed to the current ambience which is a combination of different batmospherics. In this batverse all the action takes place either at dawn or at dusk.

CAP: A LONG TIME AGO, BEFORE THE CURRENT RASH OF WEIRDOS LIKE LUDIC AND THE FLAMINGO REIGNITED THE VOGUE FOR BRANDING…

CAP: YOU FORGOT TO INCLUDE YOURSELF IN THAT LIST.

CAP: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

PAGE 3

PANEL 1

Closer on them smiling and bantering. Robin’s arm hanging lazily out the car, cupping the wind in his palm. Happy days.

CAP: IT’S OKAY BATMAN, I’M LISTENING EVEN IF SHE ISN’T.

CAP: THANKYOU, JUDAH.

CAP: CALL ME MEGADOG.

CAP: ALRIGHT THEN, “MEGADOG”.

PANEL 2

Robin points upwards, concerned, as they whizz round a corner.

CAP: A LONG TIME AGO, BEFORE THE CURRENT RASH OF WEIRDOS REIGNITED THE VOGUE FOR BRANDING, GOTHAM’S STREETS WERE AWASH WITH THEMED VEHICLES AND CRIMINALLY INSPIRED SET-PIECES.

CAP: RIDDLECARS AND PUZZLECOPTERS.

CAP: A GLEAMING MOTORCADE OF PURPLES AND GREENS.

PANEL 3

We cut to the focus of the dynamic duo’s attention. In the middle of a crowded street, strutting about like a victorious but very stupid boxer on a small hillock of wrecked and gutted traffic, is a huge Turkey-mobile. It could almost be the direct inspiration for Ace with its laser beam eyes and open cockpit carved out of the back of its head (from which the Penguin directs his creation with a steering wheel and a dashboard of weird gadgets). The creature’s ridiculous of course, but dangerous nonethless. The police are attempting to cordon off the area, but a couple of unlucky cops have just been incinerated by the aforementioned eyebeams.

CAP: TELL JUDAH ABOUT THE PENGUIN’S ATTACK TURKEY!

CAP: I’M NOT ENTIRELY CERTAIN THAT EVER EXISTED.

CAP: HMMPH! IT’S ALL THERE IN THE FILES (I’LL SHOW YOU LATER, JUDAH)

PANEL 4

The camera closes in on a couple of perplexed looking traffic cops. One’s on the phone to her boss while the other chews the end of his pen nervously, tying to figure out what he’s going to write in his report. Batman and Robin leap into action in the background.

CAP: ALL THE MADNESS CLOGGING UP GOTHAM’S MAIN DRAG WAS A MASSIVE HEADACHE FOR THE TRAFFIC POLICE.

CAP: THE VEHICLES IN THE GCPD MOTORPOOL STOOD LITTLE TO NO CHANCE AGAINST THE MOST BASIC OF THOSE THINGS. IT WOULD BE LIKE TRYING TO TAKE ON A TANK WITH A UNICYCLE.

CAP: THEN SOME BRIGHT SPARK HIT UPON AN IDEA.

PAGE 4

PANEL 1

Elsewhere. Night. A rundown automobile garage. Its windows are all boarded up or smashed. The lot is completely abandoned and a huge barbed wire fence hems the place in. We’re miles from the road here – the garage is surrounded by tenements and long forgotten. This is the haunted house of garages. We should be afraid to go in there…

CAP: THEY DECIDED TO GO TO THE SOURCE.

PANEL 2

A cop emerges from the shadows followed by an army of his colleagues, all of whom are wearing full body armour. He directs them towards the garage.

CAP: WITH BATMAN AND ROBIN’S HELP HUNDREDS OF FOUR WHEELED MONSTROSITIES WERE REMOVED FROM GOTHAM’S STREETS.

CAP: BY THE END OF THE YEAR THE DEPARTMENT HEADS WERE READY TO GIVE THEMSELVES A HEARTY PAT ON THE BACK AND THERE WERE A NUMBER OF PROMOTIONS IN THE OFFING.

CAP: BUT THERE WAS ONE SNAG.

PANEL 3

From above. The building is surrounded. Out come the riot shields and the battering rams.

CAP: GORDON WAS DISINCLINED TO ALLOW ANY GOLDEN HANDSHAKING BEFORE THE DEPARTMENT HAD SUCCESSFULLY TACKLED WHAT HE SAW AS THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.

CAP: YOU SEE, GOTHAM’S BAD GUYS ONLY STARTED IN ON THE WHOLE WACKY RACES BIT AS A RESULT OF ONE MAN’S DERANGED TINKERING.

PANEL 4

Close up on the door being stoved in.

CAP: APART FROM BATMAN HIMSELF, HE WAS THE FIRST ONE TO PROVE A FEW HOURS SPENT UNDER THE BONNET COULD YIELD REAL RESULTS.

CAP: BUT UP UNTIL THAT POINT THE POLICE HAD FAILED TO IMPOUND SO MUCH AS A JOKERSLED.

PAGE 5

PANEL 1

The cops pour in.

CAP: SO WHEN AN ANONYMOUS TIP LED TO AN ABANDONED GARAGE ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN, YINDEL AND RAWLES PUT TOGETHER A CRACK TEAM OF GOTHAM’S FINEST AND SENT THEM IN.

CAP: THERE WERE THOSE WHO THOUGHT THE POLICE ACTION WAS RASH, THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE PLANNED IT MORE CAREFULLY.

PANEL 2

They pause in a small reception area. dust and cobwebs everywhere. Purple and green light emanates from underneath a door leading to the garage itself.

CAP: FORENSICS WERE PARTICULARLY CONCERNED. SOME PEOPLE, INCLUDING THEIR OWN STAFF WHO OFTEN ENDED UP WITH THIS STUFF LANDING ON THEIR DESKS, HAD SUFFERED STRANGE…REACTIONS TO THE JOKER’S GIZMOS.

CAP: ONE YOUNG WOMAN SPENT HER RETIREMENT IN ARKHAM AFTER DUSTING THE GUTTED CARCASS OF A DOWNED JOKERPLANE.

PANEL 3

They wait. Their commander listens at the door

CAP: SHE SAID THE RIVET WORK WENT ON FOREVER.

CAP: THAT THERE WERE FACES IN IT.

PANEL 4

They kick the door in.

CAP: SO MAYBE THEY SHOULD’VE WAITED.

CAP: THOUGH REALLY….

PAGE 5

Splash. A policeman’s face rigid with horror. Purple and Green negative.

CAP: NOTHING COULD’VE PREPARED THOSE MEN FOR WHAT THEY FOUND IN THERE.

TITLE: BATMAN 666 #7 – TOY GUNS

PAGE 6

PANEL 1

An empty street in Gotham’s equivalent of the projects. A dark figure in the grey distance.

CAP: THEY FAILED TO REESTABLISH CONTACT AFTER THE OPERATION WENT RADIO SILENT.

CAP: BUT THE POLICE BAND WAS JAMMED UP WITH FACTORY SOUNDS FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME THAT ELAPSED BEFORE THE ONLY SURVIVOR WAS FOUND WANDERING THE STREETS.

PANEL 2

A child’s birthday party. Little Timmy, his friends and their parents, all dressed in party hats etc., tears at some wrapping paper.

CAP: UNFORTUNATELY HER DEBRIEF WAS A CONFUSED AFFAIR.

CAP: SHE BABBLED ABOUT WALLS SEETHING WITH TOYS.

CAP: SCREAMING MEN STRAPPED TO CONVEYOR BELTS.

PANEL 3

The figure shambles closer.

PANEL 4

The child stares at the unwrapped toy. A plastic police officer in Star Wars packaging, rotted and swollen. The INFESTICONS brand.

CHILD: DADDY?

CAP: GIGANTIC MOULDING MACHINES.

CAP: SWEET JESUS! WHAT DID HE DO TO THEM?

PANEL 5

The other party goers look confused and the child’s mother drops the cake, distraught .

CAP: THAT’S JUST IT. THE NIGHT OF THE RAID SAW BATMAN AND ROBIN APPREHENDING TWO FACE AND THE JOKER AT THE SCIENCE MUSEUM UPTOWN.

CAP: EXACTLY FIFTEEN MINUTES AFTER YINDEL GAVE THE GO AHEAD.

PAGE 7

PANEL 1

The figure in the road, who we can now see is a female cop, is right in front of the lense, grasping for the reader. I want this panel to make us flinch. How this woman could’ve even begun to’ve been debriefed is a mystery considering she has small tyres inserted into her eyesockets and a car’s grill where her teeth should be. Her hair is green and her face is livid white. A gawping monster pleading for our help.

CAP: MY FATHER DIDN’T BELIEVE IN GHOST STORIES BUT HE COULD DRAW ONLY ONE CONCLUSION FROM THE AVAILABLE EVIDENCE.

PANEL 2

Close on that face.

CAP: THE JOKER’S MACHINES DID IT.

CAP: EXCUSE ME…

PANEL 3

The interior of the Batmobile again. Batman turns to Judah who’s staring into space in disbelief. It’s murky and dark outside the cockpit but we can’t see outside yet.

BATMAN: IT’S UNBELIEVABLE ISN’T IT. BRUCE USED TO DESCRIBE THE JOKER’S MIND NOT IN TERMS OF PATHOLOGY BUT…

JUDAH: NO.. I MEAN YES…

JUDAH: IT’S A REALLY F*****ED UP STORY, BATMAN, AND I WAS TOTALLY ABSORBED; SO ABSORBED THAT…

PANEL 4

Judah, eyes wide, continuing…

JUDAH: DIDN’T WE JUST FLY THROUGH ONE OF WAYNE TOWER’S WINDOWS?

(2): UH… I’M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU MID FLOW BUT…

PAGES 8 & 9

Panel 1 is a double spread. Panels 2 to 5 run along the bottom.

PANEL 1

We pull out so that we can see Ace flying through the interior of the batcave, only we’ve never seen a batcave on this scale before. Batman’s navigating Ace through an enormous subterranean space, conceivably one mile across. The ground far below has a trickle of water running through it and towards the camera, that, from this height, we can only assume is a river. Lights glint from the towering, mountainous walls and in the distance we can make out a landing bay and what looks like a more familiar batcave enviroment complete with all the weird vehicles and souveiniers. But we’ll get onto that stuff later, for now it’s all just colourful blobs….

JUDAH: WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?

PANEL 2

Batman readies Ace for touchdown, concentrating on the controls. Robin smiles to herself. Judah’s as taken aback as we are.

BATMAN: WE’RE SOMEWHERE AROUND THE FLOOR THAT CAME UNDER ATTACK LAST NIGHT.

JUDAH: BUT IT DIDN’T LOOK LIKE THIS WHEN…

ROBIN: IT’S TESSERACT TECH.

PANEL 3

Robin explains, amused. Bats picks up where she leaves off.

ROBIN: TESSERACT TECH. IT ALLOWS THE ARCHITECT TO INSTALL AN AREA OF SPACE INSIDE A CONTAINER FAR SMALLER THAN THAT WHICH RESIDES WITHIN IT.

(2): I COULD EXPLAIN IT TO YOU IN GEOMETRIC TERMS, BUT YOU’RE ALL MAGICKY AND I DOUBT YOU’D KEEP UP.

BATMAN: THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT IS, I CUT AND PASTED A MOUNTAIN INTO WAYNE TOWER’S WOODWORK.

PANEL 4

Back to Judah struggling to fit all this in his head.

JUDAH: THAT KIND OF TECHNOLOGY CAN’T BE AVAILABLE FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS AT LEAST….

(2): AND A MOUNTAIN? SURELY SOMEONE WOULD NOTICE A MOUNTAIN DISAPPEARING!

BATMAN: WHAT CAN I SAY? OCCASSIONALLY I TRAVEL THROUGH TIME AND HANG OUT WITH ALIENS.

(2): AND AS FOR THE MOUNTAIN…

PANEL 5

The batmobile, from the front, landing on a raised pad hundreds of feet above the ground. He’s now a slightly funny colour. The blue is lighter and mixed with patches of green. We can see the interior of the mountain behind it, but we can’t see inside the really batcavey bit yet.

BATMAN: IT BELONGED TO MY MOTHER.

(2): I GREW UP HERE.

PAGES 10 & 11

Same layout as previous pages

PANEL 1

Splash. Reverse shot. We pull up as Batman and co disembark. And here it is. I don’t want this section of the batcave to be too disimilar to Bruce’s, but it’s far vaster. The set up itself is up to you, but as for the ornamentation….The first thing that strikes us, of course, is Ace’s body, towering up into the rafters like the T-Rex in the original cave. There’s the intangible bat-UFO we saw in issue 4 and the bat-out-of-hell-bike too. But that’s not the half of it. Hanging on a massive pair of clamps on one side of the “room” is a massive batliner, like the Titanic only bat-themed, and on the other side is the bat-starship: a blue and gold, Chris Foss inspired, monster of a craft. Robin’s got a couple of vehicles on display too – a solid bronze plane shaped like a phoenix and what looks like a red and gold, ornate, bird headed horsebot, its eyes composed ofnprecious jewels. Something out of a sci-fi Max Ernst painting. Any one of these things is more than a match for a Jokerilla-mobile. In terms of bat-mementos, you can pick and mix from these: the Sensei’s robot’s sword, giant blue and red Cluedo pieces with Batman and Robin’s heads stuck on them respectively, a bat-themed looking glass, a huge, stuffed, multicoloured flamingo next door to a similarly sized, slumped, Mr. Punch puppet carrying a vicious looking mallet, what looks like a Noh Theatre inspired Mr Noseybonk mask, and a perfectly preserved 3D scene from that japanese Batman comic on a weird, mini-stage, complete with proscenium arch and red velvet curtains. Batman also possesses an odd range of costumes: a hairy one, a ghostly one, one that looks like it’s made of water, one with many heads, eyes and arms, one that looks sort of courtly, one that resembles a huge, many fanged bat-monster, one in Joker colours and another that seems to be made of light. I should also add that a tiny figure waits for them on the gangway leading to metal blast doors that mark the entrance to the living quarters.

BATMAN: DEAR ME, ACE, YOU’RE A FUNNY COLOUR, AREN’T YOU?

(2): I’LL COME AND SEE TO THAT LATER.

PANEL 2

Batman bends over to greet his cat, stroking him. He’s pulled his mask off now he’s arrived back at home. Judah and Robin whisper to each other in the background.

BATMAN: ALFRED! IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU BACK IN BLACK TIE.

ALFRED: MRRRWOOOR?

PANEL 3

Judah and Robin in a huddle while Alfred nuzzles Batman’s head with his own.

JUDAH: I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY HE’S BEING SO BLASE WITH ALL… WITH ALL THIS…

ROBIN: HE HAS HIS REASONS.

(2): GOOD STORY WASN’T IT?

PANEL 4

Batman turns to Robin and Megadog.

BATMAN: COME ALONG YOU TWO! THE COMPUTER ESTIMATES THAT BLOODY RABBIT WILL BE HERE IN AN HOUR OR SO AND FOREWARNED IS FOREARMED.

PANEL 5

He strides off towards the living quarters. Robin and Megadog hang back a bit.

JUDAH: WHAT? HERE!

(2): I THOUGHT THAT NAOMI GIRL WAS THE TARGET!

ROBIN: NOT AT ALL. LUCIUS AND ALICE DODGESON WERE THE NAMES AT THE TOP OF THE LIST.

(2): SHE WAS JUST CONVENIENT COLLATERAL.

PANEL 6

She looks at him seriously.

ROBIN: IT’LL BE COMING FOR ME FIRST.

PAGE 12

PANEL 1

Cut to Damian as he walks towards the blast doors. Two tunnels in the rock branch off.

JUDAH: (in background) I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW IT’LL FIND ITS WAY IN HERE.

(2): AND WHAT GOOD IS ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY IF IT CAN’T KEEP WAYNE INDUSTRIES’ EMPLOYEES FROM GETTING THEIR GUTS BLOWN OUT BY KILLER DOLLS FROM DERANGED MURDER FACTORIES?

PANEL 2

Damian pauses to look down one of the tunnels, responding to a voice.

VOICE: (small and weary) GET…GET.. AWAY…

PANEL 3

The tunnel is pitch black. No movement.

ROBIN: (off panel) THE TOWER ITSELF ONLY EMPLOYS TERRESTRIAL SECURITY SYSTEMS, OTHERWISE THE BOSS WOULD HAVE TO FEND OFF AN AWFUL LOT OF QUESTIONS.

(2): THE RABBIT? THAT’S DIFFERENT…

PANEL 4

Two red eyes in the darkness.

SFX: HSSSSSSS

PANEL 5

Close up on Damian looking terrified.

ROBIN: (off panel) WE’RE LEAVING THE BACKDOOR UNLOCKED.

PAGE 13

PANEL 1

A bit of temporal ellipsis. We cut to the same living room we saw in Batman #666. Robin, Judah and Damian are ‘deep in chairs’ around the enormous, blazing hearth. An oak bookshelf rides up the wall beside Batman’s chair and there’s a large picture of Silas Wayne (see the second to last episode of R.I.P) above it. He broods out at us. Robin and Judah share a massive, black velvet sofa, his arm stretched out behind Robin, hugging the back of the chair. He’s uncertain. He wants to put his arm around her, but he doesn’t really know what the rules are now or if she’s interested. For Robin’s part, she looks fairly unconcerned as she digs into a bag of popcorn. Batman leans into his audience, the cat nestled into his lap, his chin resting on his hands.

The lights are low. Shadows everywhere….

BATMAN: I’VE GONE TOE TO TOE WITH ACTION FIGURE TWICE BEFORE.

(2): OUR FIRST RUN IN WAS DISASTROUS, THE SECOND TIME I BOUGHT MYSELF A 3 HOUR WINDOW BY DETONATING AN EMP WEAPON THAT FRITZED GOTHAM’S ELECTRONICS AND THEN I DUMPED ITS TARGETS ON THE FIRST OFF WORLD FLIGHT I COULD.

PANEL 2

He reaches for a book.

BATMAN: WHEN FATHER GOT WIND OF THE MISSION’S FAILURE HE OFFERED TO FOLLOW THE SWAT TEAM IN, ONLY TO FIND THE TIPSTER’S DIRECTIONS WERE A DEAD END.

(2): HE EVENTUALLY JOINED THE DOTS BETWEEN THE GARAGE AND THE NEW, INJECTION MOULDED MERCS, BUT HE WAS AS IN THE DARK AS WE ARE WHEN IT CAME TO LOCATING THE PRODUCTION LINE ITSELF.

PANEL 3

He pulls a small pamphlet off the shelf. We don’t have a clear impression of it yet, but its colour scheme is orange and white.

BATMAN: SO WE’RE ON THE BACKFOOT HERE.

(2): AND WE KNOW EVEN LESS ABOUT THE BLACK RABBIT.

PANEL 4

He brandishes the pamphlet. Its cover depicts the same rabbit as the one at the top of this post. The design is pure Penguin Classics.

BATMAN: ALL WE’VE GOT TO GO ON IS THIS PROMOTIONAL PIECE CURRENTLY DOING THE ROUNDS OF GOTHAM’S CRIMINAL COMMUNITY.

(2): THOUGH, AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED THIS THING ISN’T AT ALL CONVINCING.

ROBIN: (off panel) FFFFH!

PAGE 14

PANEL 1

Robin gets up, exasperated, her popcorn finished. Batman’s face echoes her sentiments. Judah looks a little surprised and miffed.

BATMAN: I’M SORRY, AM I NOT ENTERTAINING ENOUGH FOR YOU?

ROBIN: BOSS. I’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE AND YOU’RE TAKING TOO LONG.

(2): I NEED TO FRESHEN UP.

PANEL 2

Small panel. She pecks Judah on the cheek. He’s even more surprised now.

ROBIN: SEE YOU LATER.

PANEL 3

Judah follows her out of the room with his eyes. Batman regards him cooly.

PANEL 4

We close in on Batman again as he delves into the book.

BATMAN: STOP PANTING, BOY. YOU DON’T WANT TO GO THERE.

(2): NOW. ARE YOU SITTING COMFORTABLY?

PAGES 14 to 18

These pages are all text with illustrations. I want them slightly yellowed with age and the same font used in a Penguin Classics reprint. The illustrations should have a similar quality to these.

I will flag up where they should be inserted in the text, but oviously the page layout’s up to you.

Anyway, here’s the text:

(picture of running rabbit matched on pamphlet cover only less abstract)

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived an assassin. Not just any old assassin, mind you. This assassin was the greatest in the world. At six he had mastered the arts of tickling, pinching and hair pulling; at ten he was lethal with a catapult, banana skins and snowballs; aged thirteen he was the best knife-fighter for thousands of miles and an expert marksman. And by his sixteenth birthday he had mastered the world’s martial traditions, and written a treatise on the arts of war. Some say the finest book of its kind ever written.

The assassin’s name was Marain, which means ‘rabbit’, and like his namesake he trod softly, was quick and agile and to all intents and purposes appeared quite harmless. All highly desirable traits in a man who makes his living by taking other’s lives.

(picture of child throwing a snowball through a man’s chest)

But the assassin was not satisfied. The deeper he voyaged into murder’s mystery the more he became convinced that beneath the surface lay a subtler art.

As a young man in his early twenties his services were much in demand, and he was very rich. He could kill a man by stroking his neck, paralyse with a shout, blind with a gob of spit, and yet he was frustrated and went about his work with a sour look on his face. Then one day he heard tell of a butterfly who, it was said, was able to conjure a hurricane from half a world away with a beat of its wings.

And so he set out to find the beast. He searched every shadow and every sunbeam across three continents before he happened upon the butterfly in a corn field just two leagues from the city where he made his home.

(picture of man flapping his wings in a corn field in tandem with a butterfly)

“Master,” he said, “I have searched for you for many years, and now that I have found you I wish to know the secret of leveling cities with a flick of the wrist.” the insect was flattered that someone should have gone to so much trouble to seek him out, for he was just a humble butterfly and nobody had ever called him ‘master’ before. So he agreed to teach the assassin, who by this time was rather old, and they spent many years in the cornfield practicing until the assassin had perfected the butterfly’s art.

When the assassin returned home he discovered that during his absence the city had been blighted by terrible plagues, and great men, many of whom were his enemies, had grown sick and died. There were reports of a war that had engulfed the whole world and of terrible storms in the east, and he smiled to himself when he heard these stories, for he knew the source of these disasters.

But still he was not satisfied.

“Death!” he cried, for Death was not far away now, “I have mastered the arts of the catapult, the killing breath and leveling cities with a flick of the wrist! I demand that you collect your things and install yourself in the servants’ wing of my house immediately!”

Death could not refuse because the assassin was drawing his last breath and, although he did not like to admit it, the man had a curious hold over him. Afterall, he had been at his beck and call for decades. And so Death did as he was told. He gathered together all his possessions in two large suitcases, picked a room he liked on the third floor of the servants’ quarters and prostrated himself at the foot of the assassin’s bed.

(picture of Death prostrating himself)

But Death was no fool. Many men had sought to command him and there were rules to which they had to abide.

“I have been in your service for many years,” he told the assassin “and I have been both loyal and faithful. You have never had cause to call into question my discretion, my character or the efficiency of my work, but before we draw up a formal contract, would you deny your servant a chance to cast off his shackles, to move on and find for himself a new master?”

The assassin liked to think of himself as a fair man. It was certainly true that Death had been as faithful and loyal as any in his employ, and so he agreed to his request.

“But there are conditions.” Death explained “because you are on your final breath you must substitute another’s life for your own, for I cannot go away empty handed. This is of course what you want. To command me. To direct me at your enemies. Only before I do as you ask, I challenge you to a game of chess. If you win, I will fall at your feet and obey, if I win, you will come away with me to the sunken lands.”

The assassin nodded eagerly for chess was a lot like war, and at war he had no equal. And so, although Death was a very able opponent, he was defeated in a handful of moves.

(Picture matched on image of Death conceding at chess from the first issue of this arc)

“And now, Death, I command you to take the life of my cook!” roared the assassin, who had often had his palate offended by the chef’s questionable skills and had long considered him an enemy. Under the terms of their agreement Death was forced to do as he was directed, stealing the man’s soul away as he slept, but when he returned to the assassin’s bedside he was smiling.

“I did not ask you to attend me when your task was done. Stop pestering me, Death. Go to your room while I draw up a list of other men I would have you kill.” the assassin complained. And still death smiled, because, as we have noted, he was no fool.

“Ah, however you are still on your last breath, master! We must play another game before I will do as you command. And we must play another after that, and another after that, and another….”

The assassin put his fingers in his ears for he knew he had been tricked. Death and the assassin were bound to each other from that night on and their chess games accounted for the deaths of thousands.

Both of them found the arrangement rather depressing (for death could never beat his opponent and the assassin could not extricate himself from the bond of his word) until one day death had an idea. “Your house, master, which was once so grand, has fallen into rack and ruin. The curtains are moth-eaten, the furniture is covered in dust and the carpets riddled with mold. Perhaps we would feel the misery of our predicament less if our surroundings were improved.”

“A brilliant idea!” the assassin exclaimed, and so a notice appeared in the classified columns the very next day offering the assassin and death’s services for hire. But despite the care they had taken, nobody seemed very interested, and so the assassin, who had a acquired a knack for self-promotion, and having decided that their first efforts were a little old fashioned and that the name ‘The Actual Death Company’ didn’t have quite the right ring to it, withdrew the ad and had a rethink.

(Picture of the pamphlet itself)

Two weeks later the first edition of this pamphlet leapt off the press and the work began to pour in. Slowly but surely Death and the assassin restored the house to its original grandeur. The curtains and carpets were replaced and the furniture was polished until it sparkled. In a short space of time they’d added an extension to the servants’ wing, a swimming pool, jacuzzis in the bathrooms and all the mod-cons money could buy. In fact Death became so comfortable in his new home that some of the other servants started to suspect he’d begun losing to the assassin deliberately, and all thanks of the unparalleled success of Black Rabbit Murders inc.

Needless to say none of their targets lived happily ever after.

(Picture matched on one from last ish with rabbit’s eyes saying “armed”)

Black Rabbit offers its clients the best service money can buy. The company has never reneged on a contract or failed to complete a job and will pursue the most elusive targets over decades if necessary.

Choose from a variety of different murder options: immolation, pulverisation, disease, decrepitude, torture, electricution…

Black Rabbit: because you can’t stop Death himself!

For more information conta

LARGE, CARTOONY SFX OBSCURING END OF TEXT: BLEEEEEEEEEEEUUUURGH!

(2): BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

JUDAH: (Off panel) WHAT THE HELL?

PAGE 19

PANEL 1

Batman puts the book down, pulling down his mask and preparing for action. Judah springs out of his chair.

BATMAN: OH MY GOD! ACE!

(2): BATDOG, COME WITH ME!

PANEL 2

They charge down the same corridor we saw in the original Batman 666, the one with the holograms of Batman, Robin and their enemies.

BATMAN: I SHOULD HAVE SEEN TO HIM EARLIER. THE LAST THING WE NEED IS THAT CREATURE RUNNING LOOSE IN THE BATCAVE!

PANEL 3

We cut to a very different scene. Robin is preparing to dive into the cave’s swimming pool. I want it to look all disco, like this

and with colourful bat-logos worked into the wall design. She’s wearing a gold swimming suit. It’s rather 1940’s looking and it has her red Robin logo sewn into the chest area, but we can’t see that yet because she has her back to us.

PANEL 4

From under the surface. Her body spears the water.

PAGE 20

PANEL 1

Batman and Megadog, who’s now wolfed out, hurtle into the batcave, followed by Alfred.

BATMAN: COMPUTER! SECURITY BREACH!

(2): SEAL OFF THE CAVE!

PANEL 2

Batman, ready for action, in front of Ace who’s rolled over, his mouth hanging open, in a pool of his own vomit. It looks like thick pink sludge. Judah’s holding his nose.

JUDAH: THAT SMELL….

PANEL 3

Robin doing the crawl. Water splashes the lens.

PANEL 4

Batman telling Judah off.

BATMAN: WOULD YOU MIND PUTTING THAT NOSE TO WORK LOCATING OUR INTRUDER, BATDOG?

JUDAH: ACTUALLY, IT’S NOT BAT..

VOICE: (off panel and foreign): PLEASE.

PAGE 21

PANEL 1

Batman from behind, ready to wheel round.

VOICE: (off panel) PLEASE?

PANEL 2

Robin, having just completed a lap, supporting herself on the bar at the end of the pool, gazing into the water

PANEL 3

She looks surprised suddenly, arching an eyebrow.

PANEL 4

Batman and Judah turn. A young blonde girl, naked and covered in sludge, stands shivering and terrified before them. She holds a tattered and torn Puppy-suit.

GIRL: PLEASE HELP.

PAGE 22

PANEL 1

Robin from the front, swimming to the bottom of the pool.

PANEL 2

The girl collapses into Batman’s arms.

PANEL 3

Robin again, smiling and addressing someone off panel.

ROBIN: WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS!

PAGE 23

Full page. Robin floating just above the bottom of the pool. The Black Rabbit is crouched, motionless, in front of her.

ROBIN: I WAS WONDERING WHEN YOU’D GET HERE.

END OF PART 3

NEXT TIME: BAT-TV!