Seven Skitters of Victory

August 4th, 2008

These are not my favourite pants. They count, they’re in the collection, they get worn on the regular cycle like the rest, but these pants aren’t all that good are they?

The blue trim is okay, and they say ‘Superman’ on them, which is pretty bloody amazing when you think of the millions of billions of pants that don’t have any superhero’s name on them at all, but next to the mighty world of Marvel pants that we’ve been exploring this last wonderful week, the DC territory starts to look rather sparse.

That photo makes me want to weep. The way the ‘rman’ diminishes into a back, blank starless expanse of dead space. He deserves better, doesn’t he? Come on DC Merch Man – give with the good Superman pants.

(It could be a metaphor for the current state of play – Marvel sticks to its bright, zeitgeisty faux-realism and in its proliferation that sensibility seems more relevant than ever, while the DC pants just don’t seem to understand what’s good about good pants. The phrase for failing to get the point in this way is to ‘Do a Didio’.)

Things aren’t looking that good. The Daft Cocks need something pretty special to save them now.

You know what’s coming next, don’t you? Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner

Bat Pants!

Fuck

Yes.

My favourite pants. They’ve had to go to the Marvel design team to get there, but goddam have they done it. Batman always wins, in all arenas and circumstances, and these pants will be similarly victorious for as long as they adorn my privileged chap, sack and crack. Without wishing tio give myself a blowjob here, I’d like to draw your attention to some words I wrote a week ago, way back at the start of Underwear Week:

Featuring both Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk, they are the living, breathing blockbuster fashion pant of Summer 2008. At least until I get me some Batman ones... It’s retro-perfecto, so now it could literally have been rendered tomorrow afternoon.

I was a bit off on the timing, by a few days, but basically I was on the money. I don’t normally like to brag about things other than my pant collection, but it turns out I can see into the future with a bloody impressive level of accuracy too. It is very rare for me to be this ON on the fashion curve, by the way, so I’m a little shocked and responding with less than due modesty. (The poodle has these pants too, but it’s less of a surprise him being up-to-the-nanosecond like that.)

I’m so Batman right now – I expect you are too, at least a little bit. I’m thinking about the Black Glove’s identity a bit at least every day. I’m thinking about what he’s going to do to Desaad when he makes his big comeback in Final Crisis. I’m thinking about which Batbooks to get when I go to the comic shop this weekend (Is the Lapham run good? The Gotham Central trade with the Joker story could be interesting…. I like the look of those recent-ish Matt Wagner Golden Age cover version ones… What is the greatest Batman comic I’ve never read?) I even got that crappy manga DVD a few weeks ago to slake my pre-movie thirst. Saw the movie on Saturday, and while the length, plot and rhythm all have their flaws, combining to make a movie that is probably less good than its predecessor blah blah – Give. A. Shit. It was fucking brilliant, or at least packed to the tits with fucking brilliant bits. Brilliant Bat bits. Joker bits. Gordon bits. Alfred bits. Batmobile bits. Batbike bits. Two Face bits. Copycat-Bat bits. Scarecrow bits. A thousand bloody brilliant bits making me itch for a second viewing already. And I know it’s been said, but shit those Joker bits are good.

These pants are good too, aren’t they? They combine the bright, daft camp of the classic show with a sense of encroaching threat and menace – the Joker’s gun, the gargoyles, the distant explosion, the Joker’s stuck-on smile. The strip is endearingly wonky, no Kirby skilliance here, but pure iconic power rendered in creepy and unusual mauves, blues and purples. Judging from the feel of the art and the Batmobile design, always a good indicator, a good guess for the source of the strip-work here is early-Seventies, dawn of the dark age stuff, with the TV influence still very strong, but a clear tension with the creatives involved trying to pull in more interesting directions. Readers, can YOU identify the source of the art on these pants, issue and artist? If you can, you could win a pair of Pants Week superhero pants, personally oiled and soiled by yours truly!!* Here’s a fuzzy close-up of the Batmobile to make your job a little easier:

The Flatus is good too, combining both a fine farty euphemism and ‘will I make it to the lav on time??’ situational diahorrea comedy. The Joker is saying ‘Hurry you dolts! My little firecracker won’t keep the authorities distracted for long!

Thanks for saving Pants Week, movies and the DCU, Batman.

And that’s really it. That is the full extent of my collection of superhero pants. I hope you enjoyed rifling through my drawers as much as I regularly do. Thanks very much for all your excellent comments, especially Satrap, Bill Reed and Peter from Sanctum Sanctorum Comix who has three identical damn pairs of the Liefeldest Marvel pants in the world. As and when new superpants come along, I will post them here to keep you all updated, so come back regularly to see if there has been any more motions.

And that’s it, Pants Week is over. I really do not have any more super pants to show you. Game over. The end. (Can’t believe I’m about to do this)

Well – apart

from

these.

*Not really. Make your own.

This post, and all of Pants Week, is lovingly dedicated to Karen, without whom all of these incredible pants would belong to someone else, or have gone unsoiled entirely.


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14 Responses to “Seven Skitters of Victory”

  1. Bots'wana Beast Says:

    Thank fuck for Batman, is all I can say – I’m going to play my entry for the compo now, even though it is a bit of a swick… is it Dick Sprang? Surely that can be the only answer to the pantsweek comp???

    Eh?? EH?!

    But why am I playing – surely the Botbeast is well-covered in the secret identity under the clothes stakes, hein? Actually, no – I feel a bit of a fake admitting it, but I don’t own, have possibly never owned that I can remember (I don’t think Taz when you’re 13 counts) a pair of superscants. It’d bring a tear to Darkseid’s rockface, I know.

    Oh – Gotham Central ‘Soft Targets’ ftw, btw – ‘Unresolved Targets’ they’ve called the trade, commingling the two arc titles therein, which is completely fucking stupid, but actually a bitty of the Joker in the Box is kind of reappropriated for The Dark Knight which is much better than Begins, I think, although I’ve watched BB enough times to make my eyes bleed if I even think about doing it again, so.

    I can’t stop thinking about the Black Glove either and do little else. It’s Robin, I’m sure.

  2. lord nuneaton savage Says:

    Wrong. S’Lex Luthor.

    Loving the pants love, incidentally. Would it be possible to get Moebius pants anywhere, do you know? Dearly want some large breasted space-cake riding a wyvern over me frontal lobe.

  3. bobsy Says:

    So, some sack/crack-action is all it takes to drag our lord savage out of the woodwork. Good for future reference.

    A Reverbstorm piece soon please? I’m sure Zom will promise to do a private rendition of the Thong Song for you, as an inducement…

  4. lord nuneaton savage Says:

    Unfortunately all my issues of Reverbstorm got stuck together before my move due to a leaky garage roof. Am planning something exciting though, promise you. Got the next couple of days off. I’ll get on it.

  5. bobsy Says:

    Damn, that is a seriously unfortunate (and expensive) occurence, old thing – my sincere condolences.

  6. Mark Engblom Says:

    Holy god, I’m blind.

  7. Zom Says:

    A trumpeting finale

    I savin’ up my opinion on TDK for Mindless Ones podcast week (coming real soon to a blog near you)!

  8. Zom Says:

    And Savage…

    Chinny reckon

  9. Thrilltone Says:

    I’m off my face on Batman just now. I had a dream last night that I was reading the new Batman issue. In it, Jezebel Jet was aware she was in a comic, and was pissed off that she was just a supporting character, mainly as her real body was lying inert in a comic from another dimension, which starred her.

    I got interrupted reading it, though, so didnae find out who the Black Glove was.

    Stupid dream.

    Those Batpants are excellent, likes.

  10. Bots'wana Beast Says:

    Well, hell-oh! Are you Jamie Grant’s colour assistant, ‘Thrilltone’?

    (I hope so, else embarrassment ensues for all)

  11. Thrilltone Says:

    No, I’m not. Sorry!

    I’m just some guy that likes Batman a lot.

  12. Bots'wana Beast Says:

    Bollocks, never mind. Sorry. Thought you were someone I knew.

  13. The Satrap Says:

    Great review. Reading the dialogue on the Bat-pants, one notices that the Caped Crusader accuses the Joker of being “cocky”. The avoidance of the all-too-obvious pun is proof of admirable restraint on the reviewer´s part (parts? pants?).

    I chalk it up to the beneficent influence of the Superpants. Superman. Inspires.

    BTW, who isn´t thinking about the Black Glove, 24/7? I´m so totally wetting my pants over that one.

  14. Gary Lactus Says:

    I know it’s years later but Lady Lactus has just seen this informative review. We both agree that the shine on the front of your Super Smalls is disgusting.

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