Occasionally, certain men of a certain age will run out of things to say to each other. Conversation grinds to a dry halt, and the only course of action is to resort to a comfortable zone of the collective consciousness, and wallow in the soft haze of nostalgia, of endless Saturday mornings in pyjamas, and Robots in Disguise. Let us call this place the Transformers Room. If you crack the door open and gently peer in, you can see the Mindless Ones sitting around, comparing their first Transformers and touching their winkies with excitement. Awwwwww! Come on, let’s go and join them…

Zom: Sideswipe was the 1st Transformer I ever owned. Loved and still love the bonnet-chested autobots.

Other faves:
Bluestreak (I like the streakers)
And especially Smokescreen

Botswana Beast: Are Sideswipe, Bluestreak and Smokescreen not essentially repaints of one another (I think Sideswipe was first)? Great fucken toys anyway. I suddenly recall I think Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were in-cont twins.

Zom: They must’ve come out of different moulds ’cause they were shaped differently, but they transformed the same
Amy’s first Transformer was Soundwave. I got Sideswipe the same day. Was a good day.


(TBMD: Hmm. Quite a badass. ‘Lives his life to the fullest’. Is it me or does it also seem like Sideswipe is the kind of robot who’d fuck your wife. And punch you out when you confronted him about it? With his fucking piledriver fists?

Stay away from my wife Sideswipe. )


(TBMD: Oh wow. Sunstreaker’s a sociopath? I thought the Autobots were good guys? Basically he’s likle some hardbody LA fitness-fascist isn’t he? I bet he goes to see Ratchet for a bit of cyber-cosmetic surgery every now and then.

Preening wanker.)


TBMD: Hey Optimus? You need to check your boy Bluestreak. He’s on drugs.



TBMD: So basically Optimus Prime is the Martin Luther King of robots ‘Freedom is the right of all sentient beings’. Unfortunately that all encompassing benevolent philosophy comes a bit unglued when your looking down the barrel of that grinning sadist Megatron’s fucking arm-cannon. Doesn’t it Optimus Jesus?

Amy: Soundwave pisses on optimus prime. he *is* the eighties. also his voice *is* electro. in fact he is electro. and bodypopping.


(TBMD: Oh Soundwave is so boss isn’t he? The only problem being that the only way he could suitably disguise himself nowadays is by squatting on the shelf of some hipster ironist’s wank-pad. Though it would be nice to see Ravage ejected into a room full of partying Vice readers, lazering the bumfluff off their stupid faces.)

BB: I’m kind of willing to cede that Soundwave is basically the best, Decepticons are much cooler anyway. But what I really wanna know is.. are you gonna, no, hold on: were your roles, Zom/Amy, essentially set thus thereafter, brothers at war (over the precious Energon resource)? Amy: airborne, cunning, Zom: steadfast, unyielding?

or is it not like that?

Zom: It was like that. Amy may be right about Soundwave but I’m an autobot ’til I die. Also autobots are teh coolest (sic).

Illogical Volume: Soundwave superior, autobots inferior. My first transformer was one of the decepticon jets – it wasn’t Starscream, but I’m not sure which one it was since that thing’s been scrap for over two decades now. Scorponock was my favourite as a lad. The toy was too big & too boxy by far, but that might have been seen as A GOOD THING at the time. Mostly I just thought the character was badass, because: Simon Furman.
All of which is to say that, like Marky Mark Waid, I am evil.

Amy: and i am a decepticon, yes.
but then there was this guy.
i loved tracks.


(TBMD:Merde! La Collaborateur!)

BB: If you can at all remember the colour, I could tell you which of Ramjet (grey/red), Thrust (mauve/black), Dirge (dark blue/orange), Skywarp* (black/purple) or Thundercracker blue/black) it was. My 6-7y.o. best pal at the time’s first was Thrust, this was something of a mismatch.

*Skywarp, pace his name, could teleport which I think they never made nearly enough of. He would of been nails-hard.

Amy: thrust was totally my fave plane.



(TBMD: Some heavy Nietszchean shit there Thundercracker. Would it help erase your exitsential doubt if I pointed out that your name is extremely close to being ‘Undercrackers’? No? Oh go and divebomb some underlings then you supremacist fuck.)


(TBMD: Christ will these guys lighten up? It’s like a therapy session in here! That said Dirge is pretty cool. Dirge could probably play the next ATP.)


(TBMD: Ahh Ramjet. The brains of the outfit. I get the feeling Ramjet will never be promoted to Starscream’s middle-management status.)


(TBMD: The Office joker.



(TBMD: THRUST! When I was 10, I never really imagined him as a pornstar, which is clearly what he is. JOHN THRUST!

He’s also well metal – ‘My engines roar is my enemies song of doom!’ It sounds good if you imagine him shouting it like Brian Blessed. But then so do most things)

Gary Lactus: Mirage was the first Transformer I saw for real.
Bluestreak or Hound was my first Transformer.
Not sure which one was my favourite.  I loved them all equally.


(TBMD: Another prancing tit. ‘Unsure of their cause’? What he’d rather ally himself with a bunch of planet-rapers like the Decepticons?

Optimus? – a word. Take Mirage outside and give him a pasting. God he’s even got a face like Ralph Fiennes. Sack him the fuck off.)

Zom: This guy is best and his mates (Grimlock)


(TBMD: Hey, remember when the Autobots let this guy be in charge? And they totally fucked up all the time and constantly did stupid, reckless ill-thought out things, and Megatron and Co just basically fucking laughed at them? Well did they ever let Benny be in charge of the firm in LA Law? No they didn’t. They made him in charge of the photocopier.

I’m  just saying.)

TBMD: Smokescreen was my first Transformer, and always my favourite. His red, blue and white colourscheme was fucking boss, and his area was ‘espionage’. Double boss. I had Starscream too, but those firstwave Decepticons were a real let down beacause of their lack of mobility.


(TBMD again – Ooooh! He’s like that nasty two-faced psychotherapist in Mad Men!


Bobsy: My virgin transformer was Mirage. His function was ‘intelligence’ – so he was a spook i guess – and he could make hologram doubles of himself to freak people out and use as decoys and stuff. underused, though he had a few moments in the early cartoons and comics.

(TBMD: Well tough shit Bobsy, because we’ve already had Mirage. You should have been a more original child.)


Ahhhhh. Let’s leave the Mindless Ones to their infantilised droolings, and close the door of the Transformers Room.

Wasn’t that a treat? Didn’t that take your mind off your bills, debts , mortgages, drug-habits, STD’s, neuroses, concerns about the impending ecological apocalypse, worries about air-borne viruses, and the endless stark horror of the fact that we’re all just imminent worm food on a treadmill of pointlessness, despair and ignorance, sliding relentlessly towards oblivion.

Just for a little while?

Good. Glad to have been of service.


50 Responses to “Transformers: Who was your first? (aka Haven’t you wasted enough of your life already?)”

  1. Botswana Beast Says:

    You have omitted my bit which began this thrilling discussion between several men in their thirties (and IllogicalVolume, who is what they call in Glasgow a “young cunt”) which was my fond remembrance of Christmas, well, I think it must have been 1985, when it all began with Optimus Prime. I was young, then, and foolish, because I neglected to keep the tech specs.


    No-one had Megatron, you notice; I knew one kid who brought him to school once, possibly the only time I ever saw – I can’t say with certainty “touched” – a Megatron and I think he just brought him in pistol mode. This did imbalance The Fighting somewhat, having to tolerate, I don’t know, Scorponok or Thunderwing as yr de facto Decepticon leader. As if these losers could step to Prime!

    Hahahahahaha etc.

    er, what else, oh yeah, we’d a Hasbro rep lived round the corner and was really enthusiastic, really believed in his product so, given his son seemed not too fussed re: Transformers, I reaped the spoils of his ingratitude by owning Fortress Maximus (the biggest Transformer EVAR) which you couldn’t even get in the UK.

    So glad Grant Morrison finally ceded to my wishes that he write at least some Transformers by including Grimlock, Prime, Prowl, Hound and so on in Joe the Barbarian, consider this the Mindless Ones review of it, reckon.

  2. Zom Says:

    Poodle had a Megatron

  3. Thrills Says:

    My First Transformer was this blocky lad, ‘Topspin’:

    You could pull him back on his wheels and he automatically transformed, but he didn’t really have many moving parts and I was a bit let down by the fact his head didn’t come off (I don’t know why this let me down). I may have saddened my parents by not being as enthusiastic as they hoped, but then I was a precocious little turd of a boy.

    “TBMD: Oh wow. Sunstreaker’s a sociopath? I thought the Autobots were good guys? Basically he’s like some hardbody LA fitness-fascist isn’t he?”

    I’d say that’s a spot on description of him, really. He’s the Patrick Bateman.

    I’ve still never seen a real Megatron toy. Bloo hoo hoo.

    It is amazing how talk of Transformers can bring people of a certain age down/up to the level of PowerNerds. TRANSFORMERS WERE IMPORTANT, THOUGH.

  4. Illogical Volume (the young cunt) Says:

    Poodle is a proper fucking Decepticon!

    My first Transformer was Ramjet, which, given that I was called “heed” in high school due to my allegedly massive cranium, seems somehow prophetic. What’s more, my head can also absorb and withstand an impact with a 3-foot-thick concrete wall at speeds up to 1500mph. Go team?

    Scorponock was my favourite toy, because (1) he was huge and (2) Simon “Fucking” Furman. Contra the Bottie Beast, I reckon Scorponock could… well, if not step to Optimus Prime, at least roll over and crush him in his sleep. Basically, in my head, this is In The Loop, Botswana Beast is yappy wee Malcolm Tucker, and Scorponock is whatever James Gandolfini’s character was called.

  5. Illogical Volume (the not so young cunt) Says:

    Also, Botswana Beast: not that I doubt you or anything, I love you, you’re a good guy, but… well, everyone knew one kid who claimed to own Fortress Maximus! As such, I will only fully believe you (you know, on the inside) if you can dig the toy out of a skip or a loft or whatever and let me touch its head with my own.

    Or not! For serious though, I would have stubbed toes and kicked shins to get my hands on such a treasure as a kid. I wanted a Fortress Maximus so badly I made my own one. Out of clay. And painted it. (So fucking sad.)

    Sadly, it was shit, so: ENVY!

  6. Kieron Gillen Says:

    My mate Dave had Megatron. He also had older brothers with Iron Maiden albums AND Spectrum. Bast.

    My first transformer was Thundercracker, who I didn’t realise who was such a cunt until I read his profile now. My favourite Autobot was Sunstreaker, because I did realise he was such a a cunt. Total sociopath, and clearly highly influential. He’s basically Emily Aster from Phonogram with surface-to-air missiles.


  7. Kieron Gillen Says:

    (My best toy was Tandy’s Knock-off of Shockwave, who was green instead of Purple. Except Shockwave was never released over here, so I was clearly KING OF THE WORLD.

    But then Phil Hingerty broke off his leg! The fuck!

    I think I’ve wrote this before in a Mindless Comment thread. The scars, they do not heal)


  8. Thrills Says:

    My pal had a knock-off of Topspin, who was made of much cheaper materials, but was about 4 times the size, so was probably better.

    I think maybe the moment I used Scorponok as a Chaos dreadnought or titan or something in an early-teens game of Warhammer 40k was probably the moment I realised my development would forever be arrested when it came to Transformers.

  9. The Beast Must Die Says:

    I REALLY liked the Seacons – you know the ones that were like sharks, octupuses etc…they combined to make…Seaking? Fishbot? I can’t fucking remember, but they werec cool. Although giant multi-coloured robot sea-creatures? Kinda stretching the ‘in disguise’ thing…

    I’d also like to say that the Transformers Handbook was probably my most read book as a kid. Look at how lovingly battered that cover is!

    Another thing – I’d like an episode of ‘In Treatment’, with Gabriel Byrne doing a bit of soul-searching with Starscream or someone.

  10. Illogical Volume (the not so young cunt) Says:

    I think FishFinger was my favourite SeaCon, yes.

    “My best toy was Tandy’s Knock-off of Shockwave, who was green instead of Purple. Except Shockwave was never released over here, so I was clearly KING OF THE WORLD.”


    It’s weird, how hard it is to get out of The Transformers room once you get in there. Thrills is right, this room… it changes you.

    There’s a pun there, but I’ll avoid it like I avoided the “they also called me a head-master in school” joke earlier.

    Because I am a grown-up.

  11. Thrills Says:

    I had the piranha Seacon, Skalor. Apparently he was always leaking oil and lubricant, and the other Seacons didn’t like him. Perhaps I empathised?

    He had a neato little jaw with cruel teeth that you could open and close, and nip the other Transformers with.

    He was also a regular leg on my ungodly mix-n-match Special Teams big bastard robot.

  12. Kieron Gillen Says:

    Re: Fishcons. I read “Transformers Handbook” as “Transformers Haddock”. Which means something, but what, I just don’t know.


  13. bobsy Says:

    I wish I could fully not remember the last Transformer I ever got. Whatever his name was, he had a crap axe, and he was a Pretender.

    That’s right:

    Pretending to be any bloody good.

    Adolescence beckoned.

  14. The Beast Must Die Says:

    Yeah, I remember clocking those and could already feel my pubes growing…

    I liked the Horrorcons – Snapdragon, Something-wolf…I don’t know exactly, but they were basically big bright monsters with two head and whatever. Cool. Think they might have been Headmasters? Powermasters?

    Again, one wanders in what hallucinatory landscape those fuckers could have been ‘In Disguise’…

  15. Illogical Volume (the not so young cunt) Says:

    The Pretenders were pish, but those shitey-wee Transformers that couldn’t actually Transform? Can’t remember what they were called, but those were the ones that pushed me away.

    Like, I remember realising that Smon “Fucking” Furman was having to write stories about all of these jokers, and thinking – “well, that must suck!

  16. The Beast Must Die Says:

    Sad times. After Time Wars finished in the UK comic, there was a real disspation in th energy of the comic – or at least the few issues I read after it finished. Time Wars felt like the natural end to all of Furman’s world building.

    Zenith Phase 3 and Time Wars are the two most intense, dramatic and emotionally draining comic stories of ALL TIME.


  17. bobsy Says:

    One of the better later ones I had was one of the Firehazardicons, ones you push around with a little flint that made sparks come out of the mouth. Mine was called Flamefeather I think, and had a very interesting personality: basically he was such an uncontrollably violent robo-psycho that even the nasty Decepticons thought he was a bit much and shunned him from their day to day social activities.

    This made him even angrier of course, and his major weaness was given as his tendency to flim out at any minute and burn down everything he could see in a fit of rage. He don’t play.

    I never really noticed it at the time, but the fact that all the Transformers were such fuckups, even the goodies, is a huge part of why I still spend 80% of my waking hours (& 100% of sleeping) thinking about them.

  18. Illogical Volume (the not so cunty cunt) Says:

    At the risk of making a Hornby out of my self, here are the top three most intense, dramatic and emotionally draining comic stories of ALL TIME:

    1. Time Wars (Transformers UK)
    2. Zenith Phase 3 (2000AD)
    3. Poison River (Love & Rockets)


  19. Kieron Gillen Says:

    (You know, there’s room for a 100% DEFINITIVE MINDLESS ONES CANON article)


  20. The Beast Must Die Says:


    has a ring to it.

  21. Zom Says:

    Righto Kieron. We should do that.

  22. Duncan Says:

    “Action Masters”, they were called, the poseable figures in a twist of bitter, bitter irony. Oh, they had shitty guns with a spring but honestly. It was good for filling out rosters to enact mass battle, you know, you could have a shit, non-transforming Shockers, Starscream, Prowl, etc. but that was really it.

    And while Time Wars is obviously the best, I think, you know, it does Matrix Quest or the last Unicron story that rounded out the UK comic (wherein Scorponok and Prime become besties, and therefore this is why Scorponok is an unconvincing Decep: not enough psychopath, I blame Lord Zarak, his head) something of an injustice. Or that one, that seems on reflection like a plot from a tragic gay fiction, where Carnivac goes after his former Decepticon team-mates, in revenge for their murder of turncoat Catilla. That one was fucking great.

  23. Illogical Volume Says:

    Fucking Action Masters – meh! Duncan’s right about those later day stories though. I reread the post-Time Wars issues while preparing for my second PEP! essay, and… they’re not Time Wars, but they still have some Thrill Power to them. The remixed Unicron story… I really enjoyed that one, right down to the bit where melty-faced Scorponock gets told he did good by Prime.

    Which…in this comments thread, A MINDLESS WILL CRY!


    The MINDLESS CANNON 1-100:

    1. Time Wars (Transformers UK)
    2. Zenith Phase 3 (2000AD)
    3. Poison River (Love & Rockets)

    Rinse, repeat – always repeat.

  24. The Beast Must Die Says:

    Ever read ‘The Last Transformers’ story form one of the annuals? It was set in the future on Cybertron, and the big guns were all gone – I think Ultra Magnus and Springer were about…anyway the story told of how finally, finally, the fighting stops. Peace breaks out until an autobot starts riling up tensions between the sides (which have become pretty indistinguishable by this point). Turns out he’s a Decepticon spy after all, and lo, the fighting strats again. I think the final image may have been a despairing UltrMag on his knees, as robots blow the shit out of each other all around him

    Pretty bleak stuff for an 11 year old.

  25. Duncan Says:

    The brilliant thing about Transformers, that made them better than superheroes, was they couldn’t fucking cry even if they wanted to, lacking tear ducts; ‘s a lesson in masculinity, right there.

  26. Illogical Volume Says:

    Tell it to Michael “Jackson” Bay – his Transformers seem to be acting in a naff, arty play about the many ways in which the body can cry…

  27. Thrills Says:

    I bloody loved that ‘The Last Transformers’ story. Every time I read it I hoped it’d somehow end differently, but it never did (obviously). Bleak, indeed.

    As for Pretenders, there was one called, I think, Stranglehold? He basically introduced me to Muscle Mystery before my beloved Flex, being a naked-chested hunk with powerful Tom of Finland facial hair. I recall making him dance with my other Transformers, in tribute to the Blue Oyster occupants from Police Academy, who I always thought were pretty cool and much better than any wacky coppers.

  28. Thrills Says:

    And coincidentally, just found the Love and Rockets book with ‘Poison River’ in it for £2.99 in The Works, having never previously heard of the story until reading this thread. I’ll look forward to reading that then?

  29. The Beast Must Die Says:

    Well you’re in for an absolute treat my friend. Poison River is breathtakingly good. Your shit will be shook.

    Do you think that Pretender was named after the Ted nUgent song?

    Hey, you guys do remember this don’t you?

  30. bobsy Says:

    It’s the not-funnily-named Rodimus Prime on his knees at the end of that one.

    If I recall, the core conflict of that one is whether, with peace now achieved, Rod should hand over the matrix to Springer (dom)or Ultra Magnus (sub).

    The Decepticon spy stirs up the shit to get the war started again, but everyione knows that Springer and UM had gone through a really bitter and traumatic break-up, which all their friends & families got nastily caught up in, not long before the story happened. That’s why feelings among the Autobots were running so high that they could easily be tempted back to a life of open warfare.

  31. The Beast Must Die Says:

    That’s it. Fucking grim ‘conclusion’ to the mythos, but so apt.

    That annual also had a story with Scorponk vs…one of the target mastwers or headmasters.. epic big fight that. And of course the immortal Megatron, Galvatron smackdown’Altered Image’, wherein the recently mentalised Megatron finally concedes that Galvatron is in fact him, and lo, the shit really hits the fan.

    I have a hard-on.

  32. bobsy Says:

    Yeah, Scorponok vs. the headmaster Highbrow, who was basically the Transformers equivalent of Russell Harty.

    (I guess that makes Scorponok Grace Jones.)

    That Meg/Galv story is the godspunk – leads right into Time Wars in fact, no?

    The build up to TW was quite protracted – the Wreckers had been trying to put Galvatron down for some time and nearly managed it in one cracking episode in particular. After Altered Image TW starts, iirc, with the Wreckers fially tracking G to his lair to be finshed off, until they realise he’s not alone…

  33. The Beast Must Die Says:

    Let’s not forget ‘Dry Run’ wherein Cyclonus and Scourge make an assassination attempt on a deranged Shockwave, who ices Cyclonus like the stone killer he is. Blows his point head clean off, which causes the rift in time and space (seeing as the whole 2006 crew shouldn’t even be there).

    God that was brutal.

  34. Illogical Volume Says:

    Thrills: congratulations! You have just paid £2.99 for one of the greatest comics of all time!

    Great deal that – who knew The Works had such treasures? Okay, actually, I bought a hardback copy of Lavinia there for, like, three pounds last year. But still!

  35. Patchworkearth Says:

    Hee hee hee hee hee.

  36. Thrills Says:

    Aye, The Works has a hidden gem every few months or so. Got the first couple of Love and Rockets books there last year, and also, er, that Ian Rankin Hellblazer thing (hmmm).

  37. was Smitty is now J_Smitty_ Says:

    Opened up the old toyboxes to get some proper playthings for the son and sure enough – my pride and joy was in there, right where I’d left him.

    Original Optimus.

    No Legs

    One Arm

    One Hand

    Surviving my younger siblings had been a trial and even at the last stages of my youth I’d resorted to using him mainly as a crippled and sympathetic leader. Revered by the Autobots but not as respected. Easier for upstart Decepticons to oppose for his lack of bipedal locomotion but still a potent talisman of their unending defeat.

    Megatron was long dead. Galvatron was never purchased…

    Something about the manner in which he was partially destroyed kept the medicos from re-creating him. Cosmic energy or some such.

    I think, in the end, I merged his consciousness with the matrix (take that Speed Force) thereby letting him guide the exceedingly lame Rodimus Prime with Obi Wan like ethereal manifestations and on occasion taking possession of his body outright (when shit got real serious).

    Not bad story telling for a ten year old, I thought.

    Like many have said, we invest a bit of magic in the things we love – the energy we transfer.

    Toys today are shit.


  38. Thrills Says:

    Your Optimus was like the fucken 40k Emperor circa 89.

    (It’s been one of those boozy ‘friends held against the wall by the polis’ sort of nights. Sorry)

  39. Thrills Says:

    Hmmm. Booze plus internet at 2.30 AM.

    Don’t do it, folks.

  40. Illogical Volume Says:

    No, no – definitely do it! I know I will. Next time I get a few drinks in me, I’m going to hit this comments thread like a sack full of broken dreams…

  41. VersasoVantare Says:

    “I was a bit let down by the fact his head didn’t come off (I don’t know why this let me down).”

    I don’t suppose it has anything to do with poor Topspin having his head blown off in Time Wars?

    I actually quite liked the Action Master toys, because even though they flew in defiance of the very concept of Transformers, they actually looked like the robot modes the characters had in the comics and cartoon, and had plenty of articulation, while a lot of the toys looked awful dodgy in robot mode and would be hard pressed to move their legs in any worthwhile way.
    To be honest, I’m a lot more forgiving of some of the dodgier Transformers gimmicks than some.

    The drop in energy or whatever in the post-Time Wars Transformers stories might have come from the fact that any UK-originated stories were written with the possibilty of cancellation in mind, so they decided to keep them shorter and have less long-running plotline.
    Having said that, there were still some good stories in there, like the survivors of Time Wars banding together, then one of them running off to kill the guys who did in his mate.

  42. Botswana Beast Says:

    That’s the one – the gay revenge/betrayal/tragic lovestory of Carnivac & Catilla. It was in B&W so maybe gets left off the CANNON as a result, but it’s boss.

  43. Thrills Says:

    “I don’t suppose it has anything to do with poor Topspin having his head blown off in Time Wars?”

    Man(hmm, saying ‘man’ makes me sound like Mark Millar), it probably was something to do with that – time ripples making me see (AND WANT) his decapitation a few years before it even happened. Such is the power of TIME WARS.

  44. David Golding Says:

    My first TF was Beachcomber. But it wasn’t just the robot that made me fall madly in love. It was the tech spec with its secret red decoder. It was the action drawing of the character on the box. It was the liquid crystal badge. It was the biography. It was words like “motto”, “laidback” and “electromagnetic”. Toys, including Transformers, don’t have this kind of detail any more. Looking back, this is why I’m a geek.

    Re: Soundwave, my young son determined that the mini-cassettes were, in fact, “DVDs”.

  45. Botswana Beast Says:

    Plasma. They always had “plasma rifles”; well, the one made of guns (Sixgun?) that came with Metroplex did, this used to really irk my dad, because plasma is not a laser, but rather some kind of food-processing liquid in yr gut, though I will never understand it as anything else.

    Plasma. Motto. Function.

    Did you get decoders in the box? I always used film strips; purple and red from my dad’s darkroom, fuck knows what use they were in photography, but you had to have it to read the tech specs. I had fucking loads of decoders.

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