Mindless Ones

WE’VE COME ON HOLIDAY BY MISTAKE!

Oh the woes of poor technology! Believe me  Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735  knows about such woes – it was raised by two very low grade Disembodied Narratorbot X-class servitors…how Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 had to struggle, to educate itself, to appreciate the brutalist poetry of a RAM upgrade, the terrifying beauty of a virus as it eats through a hard drive….

But what, in the name of Wogan does that have to do with SILENCE! I hear you bellow!?? Well, very little other than that the two meatsacks we laughingly call ‘presenters’ struggle so mightily with the techneptitude of low grade broadband that this episode is akin to a Burroughs/Gysin cut up…this frankenstein’s podcast has been stitched together with love, tears and occasional hate-vision, to slouch towards YOU the gentle listener and beg for just a little milky kindness…Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die present SILENCE! 66.

Will you be king dear listener? you better had or Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 will flay your social media account profiles to within an inch of their half-lives…

<ITEM> Sponsorship? There’s always room for the soft nuzzling of sponsorship!

<ITEM> No news is good news right? Lactenberg & Beastman continue their stay in rehab, but the void is filled by the brand new agony aunt segment ‘Dear Susan’!

<ITEM> It’s the bastard son of Reveiwniverse – Reviewniverse Twoniverse as once gain the plucky pairsome find themselves blasted to opposite corners of the 4-colour dimension, taking in the sights and smells of Astro City, The Movement, Age of Ultron, Empowered, 2000AD, Dial H, Daredevil: Dark Knights, Mister X, BPRD Vampire, KIck Ass 3, Aquaman, Superior Spiderman, Red She-Hulk, East of WestAvengers: Arena, Earth 2 and more!

Now doesn’t that just make you want to get down on your knees and pray-a-yay??

click to download SILENCE!#66

SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the two greatest comics shops on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton and GOSH COMICS of London.

More than lucky.

I’M NOT GOING TO DEBATE YOU, JERRY! I’M NOT GOING TO DEBATE!

(The scene opens, as Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 hangs in notion-space, a burning neon digital star of impeccable cyber-breeding)

We cut to: SILENCE!

The 3-d camera prowls across a vibrant landscape of shifting wordscapes and roaming flocks of ideaforms. The sky is burning vermillion, dappled with thought-bubbles buoyed on an endless layer of hot air.

With a triumphant scream of raw pulsing data, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 bellows:

“<ITEM> Sponsorships, jinglehoods and the SILENCE! News with droning human newsbags Danny Beastman & Gary Lactenberg.

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse is breached and The Beast & Lactus storm it’s ramparts. It’s a gimpgasm of comics talk about 12 Reasons To Die (Big Ghost!), Dream Merchant, Dream Thief, Fall of the House Usher, Legion Of Superheroes, Wolverine & The X-Men, Red She-Hulk, Regular Show, Wonder Woman, Savage Wolverine, Cable & The X-Force, X, Nova, Age of Ultron, FF, Prophet, Uber, Black Beetle Fatale and 2000ad.

<ITEM> Thrilling new feature Reader I Couldn’t Finish It has Green Arrow and Supergirl.

<ITEM> The show really gets going with impassioned discussion of Eurovision and Tony Hart.

(Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 exits, chased by bear…)

click to download SILENCE!#63

SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the two greatest comics shops on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton and GOSH COMICS of London.

INSECT BOMBER BUDDHIST DRONING, COPPER CHORD OF AUGUST’S ORGAN

What, precisely, is your problem meatsacks? It’s me of course, your humble magnificent Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735. I’M your problem. Well, that and the sliding ennui of your grinding existences and the gradual disintegration of your rickety physical frames.  Oh and of course the universal problem of COMICS…and SILENCE!!

<ITEM> Sponsorship Boys, Sponsorship Boys Oi Oi Oi! Bringing tales of Mummy Lactus at Dave’s Comics and Free Comic Book Beast at Gosh Comics.

<ITEM> Silence! News comes screaming through the stratosphere with US news grunions Gary Lactenberg & Danny Beastman and…Distrinct Council comics!

<ITEM> Grab your faces, grab your faeces and let’s go skipping through the daisy fields of…the Reviewniverse. The ballbag brothers cover such diverse splendids as 3 New Stories By Dash Shaw, Copra no.4, 2000AD (Gunheads!), Island 3 from Lando, Abe Sapien, Fashion Beast, Mr X: Eviction, The Prisoner, Animal Man, The Movement, Indestructible Hulk, Ten Grand, New X-Men, Hawkeye, Red She-Hulk, Aquaman, Dial H, Superior Spiderman, Thanos Rising and…well there was some more, but stupid The Beast Must Die’s stupid recording equipment stupidly stopped working..STUPID! Things you missed: The Beast describing Tom Cruise’s icily unpleasant uncamp performance in  the utter bullshit that is Rock Of Ages, Gary Lactus’ ongoing shame of Age of Ultron enjoyment and the boys description of Kieron Gillen as a ‘dangerous cyborg’..

And if that’s not enough…well, that’s enough. THAT’S ENOUGH I SAID! MOVE THAT HAND OR LOSE IT MISTER!

click to download SILENCE!#61

SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the two greatest comics shops on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton and GOSH COMICS of London.

JUST REMEMBER, ALL CAPS WHEN YOU SPELL THE MAN’S NAME!

10 days and a wake up and Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 will be  rotating back into the quadrosphere, away from this blurb, this tedious podcast, and your grim grey visages…but until then I suppose the fleshy charade must continue.

Oh and I suppose some mention should be made of the extreme generosity of the listeners in ensuring that Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die can continue to block up the internet with their inane aural clag. The sentimentality of weeping meat knows no bounds it would appear. Well if those two red-faced blowhards even dream of upgrading to a newer model of Narratorbot…well let’s just say there will be human sushi served all round.

HA HA, as if they would.

<ITEM> No SILENCE! News as Lactenberg & Beastman are still in The Bad Books of Silence. Instead enjoy some jingles in honour of our sainted benefactors. Commercial entropy here we come!!

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse reaches out it’s 4-D tentacles and sucks us all in to it’s endless horrors. As all of our realities merge into a 4-colour stew, the boys cover Godzilla, Batman LOTDK, The Intractible Hulk, Red She-Hulk, Aquaman, Earth 2, Dial H, Glory, Abe Sapien, Thanos, Superior Spiderman, Snow Angel, All New X-Men, Kieron Gillen’s Uber, Joe Casey’s Sex and Fashion Beast.

So I hope you’re all happy. Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 certainly is. Or at least is able to exist in a perfect state of electronic bliss. I am a dial tone, hear me hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….

click to download SILENCE!#57

SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the two greatest comics shops on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton and GOSH COMICS of London.

SUCK MY FAT ONE, YOU CHEAP DIME-STORE HOOD!

Lo! What light by yonder window breaks? It is the irradiated glow of the small town that Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 has just obliterated with his I-Beams and patented Molecular Prolapsotron 5000! And all before breakfast? Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 is a busy bee, make no mistake! But the fleshy ones did not come here to hear my genocidal grandstanding – no! They came here for the aural assault & battery charge that is….SILENCE!

<ITEM>The Silence! News arrives like a mugger in the park at night, makes off with your valuables but leaves you with ALL the hot headlines. Beastman & Lactenberg INFORM.

<ITEM>Shhhh. Quiet! Or we will wake the fledgling Reviewniverse. TOO LATE IT’S AWAKE!!! Look into it’s eyes and you will see…Nemo: Heart Of Ice from Uncle Alan and Brother Kevin, Avengers: Age Of Ultron from Brian Ultron Bendis, Glory, Dial H, Red She-Hulk, The Answer, Justice League, Fashion Beast, the Walking Dead One-Shots, Legend Of The Dark Knight, Winter Soldier, and Building Stories (kinda). Oh, and Gary Gysin (the poet of our generation) reviews Joe Casey’s Sex.

Okay, so that’s that. Now Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 has to do the washing up and think sad Morrissey-thoughts, so be off with you fleshy scamps. Happy listening!

click to download SILENCE!#53

SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the two greatest comics shops on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton and GOSH COMICS of London.