March 2nd, 2015
Your stare was holding, Ripped jeans, Skin was showing, Hot night, Wind was blowing, Where you think you’re going baby?
Right then. Gary Lactus here. I’ve just had a right old fuckabout with technology and I’ll be damned if I’m going to put any effort into writing a blurb for you right now. I’m halfway through a crème brulee and would much rather be giving it my full attention. So what I’m going to do now is list what happened.
That’ll do. I have finished my crème brulee and want a bath now. A SPACE BATH in my SPACESHIP IN SPACE!
January 26th, 2015
CHECK OUT MR BUSINESSMAN, HE BOUGHT SOME WILD, WILD LIFE
Half-time oranges anyone? Okay how about a half-time podcast then?
<ITEM> It’s The Beast Must Die’s birthday (sort of). Let’s all force cake down his gullet and light candles in his ears!
<ITEM>There’s some Sponsorshit, The Beast promotes his illustrations in Architects Journal, and Gary invites him and the Dear Listeners in a game of Marvel Heroes Bodycare Bingo!
<ITEM> Into the valley of The Reviewniverse rode Gary & The Beast… and unafraid they review The Kitchen, The Mighty, Batman & robin, Captain America & The Mighty Avengers, UBER, Wicked & The Divine, Rumble, Crossed 100, and 2000AD
<ITEM> The podcast takes a turn to towards the base, as the boys come up with a novel way to discuss the 4 Dark Judges.
And that, my dreary dears, is that. The bitterest pill is hard to swallow, especially when it’s administered by a couple of cretins.
December 9th, 2014
THAT CAT’S SOMETHING I CAN’T EXPLAIN
Dog carcass in alley this mornin’, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I ‘ave seen it’s true Nanny Goat Race. The streets are extended gutters and the bloody gutters are full of blood and wen the drains finally scab over, right, all the vermin will drown. The bloomin’ accumulated filff of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the bloomin’ ‘oores and politicians will ‘ave a look up and shout “Chas’n'Dave us! Honest guv!”…
…and I’ll ‘ave a look dahn, and whispa “nah mate.”
They ‘ad a choice, right, all of them. They could ‘ave followed in the footsteps of right good men like me favver, or President Truman. Decent men, ‘oo believed in a day’s work for a day’s pay. Instead the followed the droppings of lechers and Communists and didn’t realize that the bloody trail led over a precipice until it were too late. Cor blimey guv! Don’t tell me they didn’t ‘ave a choice.
Now the ‘oole world stands on the bloody brink, starin’ dahn into bloody hell fire, all them liberals and intellectuals and smooff-talkers… and all of a sudden, no bloke can fink of anyfink ter say.
Okee-day, let’s get started, we can’t just sit around all day! We’ve got a podcast to run, people! It won’t run itself. Unless…it did??? A sentient podcast! Crivens! doesn’t bare thinking about really. Luckily this podcast isn’t sentient, it’s the home of Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die, and it;s SILENCE!
<ITEM> Sponsorshamallamadingdong! Dave’s Comics & Gosh get the usual shouts, and there’s a bizarre anecdote concerning the demise of Gary’s comedy night ‘Mouth Leak‘, which is worth the entrance fee alone. Plus Christmas markets, movie marathons and more.
<ITEM> A square kick i the pants, and the pair are launched into The Reviewniverse. Jolly good. They cover Crossed 100 by Alan Moore, with a discussion of his recent interview on Scroobius Pip’s Podcast. But that’s not all, there’s Edge of Spiderverse: Sp//dr, Edge of Spiderverse: I walked With A Spider, Secret Six, Grayson, Wolf Moon, Gotham Academy, Uber, Angela and Alex Potts’ Quiet Disaster.
<ITEM> Gary recommends a trio of Swedish minicomics. Ooooh!
<ITEM> Some more podcast recommendations and a bit of the ol’ self promotion, plus a threat to the dear listeners? It’s all here in the newly christened Appendmin…
Now where was i? Let me clear my throat…”Dog carcass in alley…”
This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton.
September 9th, 2014
I SAW AN X-RAY OF A GIRL PASSING GAS
<ITEM> So this is SILENCE! And what have you done?
<ITEM> Sponsorships passing in the night, with added talk of Blue Peter in the 1970s and 80s. It’s Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die doing that thing they do. Doo doo.
<ITEM> Reviewniverse = Saga 22, Grendel Vs The Shadow, God Hates Astronauts, Transformers Vs GI Joe, Original Sin, Superman, Outcast, Bodies, Doop, Batman, She-Hulk, Uber, Wein & Bernie Wrightson Swamp Thing, Superior Foes Of Spiderman and more, oh so much more (well sort of)
<ITEM> There’s a bit of Dr Who chat. You know. For kids.
<ITEM> SILENCE (Because My Mouth Is Full of Delicious Food – it’s the new segment that has the world on it’s knees
worst. shownotes. ever.
May 27th, 2014
GOD BLESS DONALD DUCK, VAUDEVILLE AND VARIETY
<ITEM> There’s no robot, we’re clear on that, OK?
<ITEM> The X won’t X itself, you learn, and so The Beast Must Die be gone for now. Fear his return, when the goose of the moon gets fine and fat.
<ITEM> Unforkunakely, Gary’s hunger for space rocks will not be satisfied by merely genuine good reasons0000000, and as per, bobsy has nothing else to do and dutifully hobbles by.
<ITEM> Tell us what you think of the The Making of the Making of Star Wars the Musical bit at the beginning. You can see that it’s all about the admittedly brilliant ‘intuitive/diminutive’ moment, but we’re really keen for feedback ahead of rollout do let us know what you think via the special survey.
<ITEM> There is some admin at the beginmin too, and a recap of the Bank Holiday weekend, when they watched the X-Men Dofp movie and had a barbecue at Zom’s and it was bobsy’s birthday. They talk about Hotel for Dogs during this podcast portion.
<ITEM> And then the Galaxy eater (a bit too sugary, and made by Nestle to boot, prob) and his mewling supper travel to the Reviewniverse, where they talk about…
<ITEM> Caliban, Elephantmen, Original Sin, Prophet, Batman Weakly, Uber, Julian Cope, Zero, Hypnotic Induction Technique, The Boy in Question, Copra and Adapt. Possibly some other stuff too, but they weren’t keeping very good notes.
<ITEM> You know the joke about the guy needing a microscope to see his own cock? Well, this podcast is respectfully – and resexfully – dedicated to Sir Darren of Oxon.
<ITEM> So listen to SILENCE! #102. There is nothing in your life nearly as important.
Click to download SILENCE!#102
March 18th, 2014
NO-ONE SAW THE CARNY GO…
It was a hot sticky day. The kind of day that makes dogs whine and men crazy. The moment she walked into my office I knew she was trouble..the kind of trouble spelt backwards if y’know what I mean? So..kind of elbuort..?. I poured myself a stiff glass of the hard stuff, only to find it was a bit too stiff and hard. It smashed my glass. I got that glass from Bentley Wildfowl Museum goddamnit! Eyeballing her I saw that she had the kind of body that could drive a man wild. Luckily I’m Disembodied Gumshoebot X-15735 and it takes more than a red hot dame in a slinky dress to turn my dials…A ZX Spectrum in suspenders on the other hand? She fluttered her eyelashes at me and asked me to light her smoke…I did it from across the room with my I-Beam and managed to set fire to her fur coat. I could tell it was going to be one of those days. Nothin’ left for it but to turn the fan up high, kick back and listen to the latest SILENCE!
<ITEM> After last week’s lumbering behemoth edition we hop into this week’s nippy little runaround with ‘classic’ combo meal The Beast Must Die & Gary Lactus.
<ITEM> Admin a-go-go with sponsorship, songs, Warwick Johnson Cadwell, Will Franken’s Things We Did Before Reality, Welcome to Night Vale, and *some* more…
<ITEM> A bold Julian Cope themed sing-a-long launches us into The Reviewniverse as the fancy boys tackle Beasts Of Burden, Hawkeye, Independence Days, Secret Avengers, Batman, Uber, Walking Dead, The Royals, Captain Marvel, Veil, All New X-Men, Superior Foes of Spiderman and more
<ITEM> The brief return of Larry Lactus & The Beast Must Dimbleby, and that’s your lot. What are you complaining about?
There are 10,000 stories in the naked city…this has been one of them. Could have had more nudity though.
March 17th, 2014
Über #0-10, by Kieron Gillen, Caanan White, Joseph Silver, Kurt Hathaway and Digicore Studios
Kieron Gillen let the mask slip a little at the start, when he positioned this comic as the anti-ASS, as a refutation of Superman’s central place in 20th Century history, in a spiel designed to mark Über out as being a comic free of the sort of self-commentary that defines so many modern superhero comics. “It’s probably the least ironic book I’ve ever written,” he said:
It has nothing to say about superhero comics. In fact, its utter negation of that genre-criticism may be the closest it comes to commentary. I’ve read many books which seem to labour under the delusion that the conception of Superman was the most important moment in the 1930s. This isn’t one of them. My only interest is in how I can use this genre’s conceit to create metaphors to explores aspects of WW2…
This comment, buried as it was in the mix of metatextual soul searching and historical gamesmanship of Über #0′s backmatter, provides the key to understanding the uncanny dynamics of this comic. In attempting to ward off irony and meta-commentary, Gillen negated any possibility of this comic escaping the superhero meta-conversation. Which, it turns out, is actually quite fitting in the end. Carefully researched as Über might be, with everything from troop movements to weather conditions having been taken into account, this WW2 with superheroes fantasy is still a superhero fantasy, and as such it manages the odd trick of destroying both history and genre conventions and reinforcing them at the same time.
In contrast to the carefully composed alternate reality of All Star Superman – with its suggestion of a world where greed, imperialism and mortal panic exist but are never the only options – Gillen and White present an alt-modernity in which the foundational horrors of the mid 20th Century era are all there but louder.
August 5th, 2013
THEN RICHIE, RICHIE SAID “HEY MAN LET’S DRESS UP LIKE COPS, THINK OF WHAT WE COULD DO?”
Boy let me tell you that Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 is super-pumped for the synergistic mind-mapping we have planned for this afternoon’s info-dump session…there will be Power Points out the wazzoo, and information will be cascaded down upon the fleshy ones like shimmerimg mercury…
Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 really feels that he has a lot to offer the corporation. Offer the hearts, skin and faces of the fleshy ones for example…
Oh hello SILENCERS, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 did not see you all there, waiting eagerly little glistening fish-eyes blinking in anticipation. Well wait no more as SILENCE, the comics podcast that is all out of bubblegum, is here.
<ITEM> Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die wade through the greasy sponsorship shallows.
<ITEM>SILENCE NEWS with discussion of the newest Whoest Dr Who and of course America’s Next Top Model (do not ask)
<ITEM> Left foot in, left foot out, in out, in out…GET INTO THE REVIEWNIVERSE YOU WOODLICE!!! Comics discussed include Batman Inc and the end of Grant Morrison’s seven year Bat-opus…The Wake, Collider, Batman: Zero Year (Directors Cut), Uber, Daredevil, Hulk, FF, Adventures of Superman, Tom Strong, Optic Nerve, Sex, Wolverine & The X-Men, Gamma, Jupiter’s Legacy, Superior Spiderman and..well no that’s it. What more do you need you ungrateful meatsacks?
So that’s it. Now get out of here, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 has a conference call to set up with some very important and not in any way imaginary people.
SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the two greatest comics shops on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton and GOSH COMICS of London.
July 12th, 2013
Right then, sorry about this. Gary Lactus here. Hello. We’re very nearly back. What we have here is an exciting mixture of TWO amazing formats.
FORMAT 1: I, Gary Lactus apologise my way through some reviews of things like, (well exactly like to be honest) Satellite Sam, The Walking Dead, Uber, Avengers, The Superior Foes Of Spider-Man, Daredevil, and Dial H.
FORMAT 2: A LIVE recording from Cartoon County, straight after The Beast Must Die (in his best Dan White costume), had been interviewed by Alex Fitch of Panel Borders, the radio programme and podcast about comics. He’s proper and it’s good so definitely go and enjoy it! What happened after isn’t as good as Panel Borders but it’s fun. Alex joins us along with plenty of folk like Dave Stone, Joe Decie, David Lloyd and Bobsy chipping in with opinions on comics! Actually it’s a bit of a drunken free for all but with me holding the mic throughout and going on with Bobsy for too long about Jupiter’s Legacy. There’s also talk of Aces Weekly and… I’m sure there was something else… Anyway, what’s the point in me listing everything here? I’m not some goddamn Narratorbot! Hopefully if you’ve read as far as this you’ll have some some idea as to whether you want to listen or not.
Oh yes, I do sing an amazing song which you’d never guess was completely improvised. And there’s a special new Summer Special theme tune.
May 20th, 2013
I’M NOT GOING TO DEBATE YOU, JERRY! I’M NOT GOING TO DEBATE!
(The scene opens, as Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 hangs in notion-space, a burning neon digital star of impeccable cyber-breeding)
We cut to: SILENCE!
The 3-d camera prowls across a vibrant landscape of shifting wordscapes and roaming flocks of ideaforms. The sky is burning vermillion, dappled with thought-bubbles buoyed on an endless layer of hot air.
With a triumphant scream of raw pulsing data, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 bellows:
“<ITEM> Sponsorships, jinglehoods and the SILENCE! News with droning human newsbags Danny Beastman & Gary Lactenberg.
<ITEM> The Reviewniverse is breached and The Beast & Lactus storm it’s ramparts. It’s a gimpgasm of comics talk about 12 Reasons To Die (Big Ghost!), Dream Merchant, Dream Thief, Fall of the House Usher, Legion Of Superheroes, Wolverine & The X-Men, Red She-Hulk, Regular Show, Wonder Woman, Savage Wolverine, Cable & The X-Force, X, Nova, Age of Ultron, FF, Prophet, Uber, Black Beetle Fatale and 2000ad.
<ITEM> Thrilling new feature Reader I Couldn’t Finish It has Green Arrow and Supergirl.
<ITEM> The show really gets going with impassioned discussion of Eurovision and Tony Hart.
(Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 exits, chased by bear…)