June 24th, 2014
I’D LIKE TO THANK MY MOTHER, FOR INVENTING ROCK N’ ROLL
(Extract from Gary’s Diary – a SILENCE! Romance by Aubrey Wilteringfust)
Gary Lactus is a celestial, gigantic and opinionated podcast host from space. His life is going nowhere until he meets The Beast Must Die, a male model-like, hirsute man with a passion for graphique novels.
Gary takes an instant disliking to The Beast and the prestige formatted and fully painted ways he learnt during his years in the internet.
However, when a Dear Listener tries to destroy Gary, The Beast springs to the rescue. Gary begins to notices that The Beast is actually rather half-witted at heart.
But, the pressures of The Beast’s job as a toilet attendant leave him blind to Gary’s affections and Gary takes up comics to try an distract himself.
Finally, when polybag-wrapped audio pan-handler, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 , threatens to come between them, The Beast has to act fast. But will they ever find the SILENCE! love that they deserve?
<ITEM> Admin, admin, who wants admin?? Gary unleashes his and Roberty Boperty’s new superteam The Gents, featuring Poo-Lord, Slash, HotRod, JizzWizzard, Airblade / Blowhard and The Freshener. THEN the Beast discusses Strontium Dog: The Movie.
<ITEM> Additional Quizzlertron content from listener Tam, so the boys tackle their favourite comic book violence, featuring Zenith, Simon Bisley, Lobo and The Walking Dead
<ITEM> Finally, the duo slip slide into The Reviewniverse and take on Simon Hanselmann’s Life Zone, The Wicked & The Divine, MPH, Original Sin, Batman Eternal, Silver Surfer, Thor: God of Thunder and TMNT: Turtles In Time. Plus Gary looks into the wonders of Marvel AR, the Beast has a rant about Spoiler, and their is a discussion of comic book movies including Turtles, Dick Tracy, Mario Bros, The Shadow and The Phantom.
NO MORE ITEMS. So get back to work you slovenly apes.
March 3rd, 2014
IT IS HAPPENING…AGAIN…
IT IS HAPPENING …AGAIN…
…oh and didn’t we all have the most super time when Lolly and Quincent drove down to the coast and we all got monstrously drunk on cucumber gin and then Freddy got his todger rammed into the knot of an oak tree and we all roared with laughter as the poor blighter had to be yanked like the rope in a ruddy tug o’ war and then Barrance and Hoighty turned up with that dreadful spiv Mussie Cribbins and we had to endure bloody hours of stories about the halcyon russet flecked autumn days at St Pepworth’s before Tabitha stood up announced that she was going for a swim and threw herself out the blooming window straight onto Otto and Spinks who’d passed out earlier after gorging themselves on the pork pies and drinking all the spiked ginger beer…and then we all climbed into Wimper’s beaten up old banger and piled back to the old digs for one last round of saucy tennis and then the whole glorious mess of a weekend came tumbling to a close. Eventually it was just Lolly, Tabs and me, Disembodied Squiffybot X-15735 passed out in the bath together snoozing away and dreaming of less hideous times. Times when we’d all gather, freshly bathed, in front of Gramps’ warming fire, the radiograph tuned into the happy droning tones…of SILENCE!
<ITEM> A simply super time is had as we dart through this week’s admin, with only the briefest dalliance with diversion in the form of a consideration of Potsy Webber, Ralph Malph, and Captain Caveman and The Teen Angels.
<ITEM> Glad tidings abound as Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die take a leisurely sojourn into the glades of the Reviewniverse, taking in the sights, smells and tastes of such fine delicaces as Deadly Class, Black Science, Three, Revenge, jonathan Woss, Vandroid, Dazed & Confused, The Wake, Mega Force, Mike Beck, Wolverine & The X-Men, Fantastic Four, Sergio Aragones’ Funnies, Hawkeye, Mighty Avengers, Superior Spiderman, Lois Lane, MIND MGMT and Walking Dead.
<ITEM> Time for a quick recommendation of both Inside No.9 and Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle, then it’s all over, bar the ROFLing….
….and then Dancy dropped by to let us know that his Aunie’s house was going to be free for the week, and the whole ruddy palaver started again…
US Naomi Campbell Face
January 28th, 2014
I SIT AROUND, WATCH THINGS WITHER. RETRACE MY STEPS LIKE THE LAZIEST RIVER
AHAAARGGGHHH! Batten down the hatches Jim-Lad! This be the Disembodied Barnaclebot X-15735, come to brace your mainsail, buckle your swashes, shiver your timbers and poop on your deck. Disembodied Barnaclebot X-15735 will only ask once matey…will ye let me and my crew of scurvy spambots aboard your cyber-galleon? Of course ye will mayeys of course ye will…otherwise I’ll keelhaul the whole internet! HA HAARRGGGGHHH *cough* HARGGHH *hack*…splutter. Blast yer eyes, Captain Birdseye never faced such brazen rebelliousness.
Onwards then mateys, onwards across the cyber-waves of the Sea of Snark, as we head towards the desert Island that is SILENCE! and those filthy landlubbers Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die…
<ITEM> Admin a-go-g0, as the pair discuss mutual sponsorship, Itunes reviews, cardboard ABC Warriors, Alison Sampson’s Genesis, Michael DeForge’s Ant Colony and technical tips from internet handyman and all-round hot comics talent, Chuck (The End Of The Fucking World) Forsman
<ITEM> A chord is struck and the Reviewniverse is entered….Dark Horse Presents, Brendan McCarthy, Mick McMahon, Prophet, Hawkeye, Brian Wilson, Batman, Rocket Girl, The New Invaders, The Walking Dead, Six Degrees of Flaming Carrot, Mighty Avengers, Judge Dredd: Mega City Two, Zero, Black Mirror, Dark Angel, Deadly Class, The Midas Flesh, Dead Body Road are all covered…
<ITEM> There’s a bit of Harmontown Again and a quick discussion of Gelding before the two are made to walk the plank, and not before time too!
PIECES OF HATE!
PIECES OF HATE!
July 12th, 2013
Right then, sorry about this. Gary Lactus here. Hello. We’re very nearly back. What we have here is an exciting mixture of TWO amazing formats.
FORMAT 1: I, Gary Lactus apologise my way through some reviews of things like, (well exactly like to be honest) Satellite Sam, The Walking Dead, Uber, Avengers, The Superior Foes Of Spider-Man, Daredevil, and Dial H.
FORMAT 2: A LIVE recording from Cartoon County, straight after The Beast Must Die (in his best Dan White costume), had been interviewed by Alex Fitch of Panel Borders, the radio programme and podcast about comics. He’s proper and it’s good so definitely go and enjoy it! What happened after isn’t as good as Panel Borders but it’s fun. Alex joins us along with plenty of folk like Dave Stone, Joe Decie, David Lloyd and Bobsy chipping in with opinions on comics! Actually it’s a bit of a drunken free for all but with me holding the mic throughout and going on with Bobsy for too long about Jupiter’s Legacy. There’s also talk of Aces Weekly and… I’m sure there was something else… Anyway, what’s the point in me listing everything here? I’m not some goddamn Narratorbot! Hopefully if you’ve read as far as this you’ll have some some idea as to whether you want to listen or not.
Oh yes, I do sing an amazing song which you’d never guess was completely improvised. And there’s a special new Summer Special theme tune.
November 20th, 2012
WHEN I GET HOME FROM SCHOOL EACH DAY, I FEEL MY TIME SHOULD BE MY OWN…
Listen. I’m celebrity guest host Jonathan Cohen from TV’s Music Time. Gary Lactus and The Beast Must Die have asked me to add my special brand of gently sensible fun education to this very special SILENCE! Thought Bubble 2012 Special. Listen. Gary and The Beast went to Leeds with a bag full of dreams and sat at a table for two days trying to sell those dreams. Along the way they met a host of exciting folk like Al Ewing and Keiron Gillen. They talked about the things they noticed about the table, on the table, behind the table, underneath the table and beyond the table.
These things include Cosplayers, Deadline, Crisis, Fantastic Four, Walking Dead, Roller Girls, Breakfast, Dinner and John Wagner doing star jumps.
September 24th, 2012
I’M CRUSHING YOUR HEAD!
This is it people – the ultimate listening experience you can do with your ears…comics, people, people talking about comics, comics talking about people, people talking about comics again….IT’S ALL HERE! IN SILENCE! no.32!!!
After the usual shit-bubbling from the two half-wits that pass for presenters on this farrago, the SILENCE! News comes and goes like a sex pest in the night, with a digression into Chuck Jones and Pat Mills. With nary a thought to listener safety or interest the podcasteers catapult themselves midrift first into the weeks comics. No muss, no fuss, let’s do this:
James Stokoe’s Godzilla, Justice League! no.0, Daredevil, Jordan Crane’s Uptight, The Shadow, The Walking Dead, Ghost, Revival, AVX: The Avengers, and Nite Owl.
The SILENT Question comes from Frank Castle and the answer involves Jim Woodring’s Frank, Jonny Ryan’s Prison Pit and Zenith: Phase 1.
Lactus reviews his underpants in notcomics, and after that adventrure in undercrackers The Beast talks up Nick Abadzis’ wonderful Hugo Tate collection and recalls Deadline in general. Then there’s a nod towards a fascinating interview with Brit comics mover and shaker, Dave Elliott, and Lactus pimps his wares like the painted French tart he so clearly is, with another Comedy Spot.
June 12th, 2012
TOUCH ME, I’M SICK!
Behold SILENCERS, they’re back from the piddling interferences that waylaid them last week. Back to bring you comics chat like you JUST NEVER HEARD BEFORE! It’s SILENCE #17!
No songs this week, so get that thought out of your minds. Those twin 4-colour Liberace’s can’t just produce this stuff like musical milk from their creative udders you know…GAH!
But they do manage a bountiful, overstuffed SILENCE! news, before careering like the Dukes of Hazzard into a twelve car pile-up of comics. They discuss (get ready) Earth 2, Animal Man, Swamp Thing (both the current version and Alan Moore’s seminal run, in a crow-barred in Beast’s Bargain Basement), Dial H, America’s Got Powers, Action Comics, Mud Man, Dan The Unharmable, Avenger’s Academy, Bill Watterson, Hulk, Stormwatch, JLI, Rocketeer Adventures, Journey Into Mystery, Superman Family Adventures, and The Walking Dead…
But wait! How could we forget the comics event of the Millennium???
The two take on the awesome genre-atomizing Watchmen 2: beyond Watchmen. And I think it would be fair to sat that those boys sure did have their brains fried!
Plus, Lactus works out the best way to review comics – by counting their panels.
Finally the Beast brings it home with a discussion (ie monologue) about the latest film from horror director Ti West, The Innkeepers in notcomics.
Now what rational person could want more from life? Don’t answer that!
And it’s all in the best POSSIBLE taste!