January 31st, 2017
ITEM HEY BOY MAN, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’VE DRAGGED YOUR WAY HERE FROM UNDER SIX FEET OF SHIT, GET THAT STENCH OUT OF MY ATRIUM AND WIPE YOUR NINNY FEET ON THE BEAR’S HEAD
ITEM WHAT’S THAT MILKY BOY KID? TIRED OF MUMMY’S GREENS? WANT TO GO WHERE THE REAL CHAT IS FOUND? THE HARD CHAT? THE GREASY CHAT? THE COMICS CHAT?SILENCE, YOU FUCKING MUDDLE, SILEEEENCE!!!
ITEM OH THAT’S NEW, OH THAT’S SPECIAL, SILENCE! SIX BILLION, YOU WANT A CUNTING MEDAL OR THE CHEST TO PIN IT ON, CHICKEN LEGS?
ITEM WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? SOME GRIPPER PISSING HIS INITIALS INTO THE MANTLE OF THE BEAST? WANTS TO BE THE MAIN COCK? WANTS TO PARADE HIS BROILING BULK? LORD NUNEATON FUCKING SAVAGE IS IT? HARDLY A MAIN ATTRACTION, HARDLY A HARD ANYTHING, LOOK AT HIM CHATTING UP GARY LACTUS, MAKES YOU FUCKING SICK
ITEM ADMIN! SPONSORSHIP! SILENCE! THE FILM’S STARTED WITH LACTUS BANGING FIT TO BURST ON THAT FUCKING FULL TIME CARD TRICKSTER JODOROWSKY AND HIS ART SHOW RODEO BAKE OFF. CUNT.
ITEM BALLY HAI WHAT A SURPRISE, AS THIS FUCKING COBBLING TEAM FROM THE DEEP DEEP DEPTHS OF ONY-FUCKNUTS-CARE-A-SHIT DELVE INTO FUNNY BOOKS LIKE FROGMEN THROUGH BOILING PISS: KAMANDI CHALLENGE! SAGA! DOOM PATROL! HOOKJAW! THE RAY! VIXEN! KILLER FUCKING FROST! DR STRANGE AND HIS BROKEN HANDYCLAMPS! MOOK KNIGHT! ISLAND! GIVE ME FUCKING STRENGTH
ITEM YOU LOOKING BACK AND REALISING YOU BEGGED FOR EVERY COB OF THIS SHIT
February 9th, 2016
SEE HER FACE EVERY DAY, SEE HER FACE IT DOESN’T HELP ME
What is that thing? Wait a minute that’s disgusting. But nonetheless there it is. There it is indeed, sat in the corner looking at you. What the hell is it? Who does it think it is? Does anyone know? Can anyone tell me? Wait a minute…it’s opening it’s mouth. God, look at it’s teeth, they’re like tombstones in a haunted graveyard. Revolting. I’m disgusted. I shan’t pay it a second more of my attention. I’m turning the other way. I’m looking away. How dare that thing ruin my day with it’s…OH GOD IT’S IN FRONT OF ME AGAIN… IT’S ON MY FACE, IT’S TRYING TO BITE MY EYES…WHAT IZZZZZ IT….!??
It’s SILENCE! of course. And Jumpin’ Jiminy Crizzmass it’s a podcast that comes to you by the skin of the hair on it’s teeth…. Not to spoil anything but Gary Lactus deserves a medal for being here for this one, but we’ll let him tell that particular tale. It’s all part of the podcast that walks like a baboon but think it’s a fancy country squire.
<ITEM> Traumatic Life Event! Star-studded Sponsorship! Guest-filled admin! SMASH! Biblical references! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
<ITEM>But always rely on the Reviewniverse to clasp you to its multi-coloured breast and feed you nurturing comics juice. Along with the Liefeld of the Land, we have Code Pru, The Eighthe Seal, Paper Girls, Saga, Uber, Mercury Heat, Klaus, Johnny Red, Battle, Battle Action Force, Storm Force and a whole hootenanny more.
Now come on. We’ve all had a bit too much excitemence. Let’s grab some ginger tea and have a nice sit down. Shhhh!
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June 15th, 2015
THERE’S A MAN WITH A MULLET GOING MAD WITH A MALLET IN MILLETS
And then the robot walked up to the man and he said get out of town because you are a criminal but the man who was an evil genius cowboy said i’m not getting out of town in fact i will rob the bank and then he got his gang ane they did a raid on the bank and stole all of the robot money. All the robots cried and said oh who will help us but then spacehorse flew down and said i am spacehorse i am the heroic horse from space and i have super powers and can fly and the robots said the evil genius cowboy stole our money so spacehorse said i will help you and so he flew off. Later the evil genius cowboy and his gang were laughing and shooting guns in the air and counting all the robot money but then spacehorse flew down from the sky and he used his eye lazers and cut the evil genius cowboys gang in half and the evil genius cowboy tied to run away but spacehorse melted his hat and then flew up and then down really fast and landed on his head with his hooves which are made of space metal and the evil genius cowboys head popped like a balloon. Spacehorse flew the money back to town and all the robots threw spacehorse a party and they all drank and ate and fell asleep. While they were all sleeping spacehorse stole all their robot money and flew off and also did an atomic horse poo on the robot town and blew it up. Then spacehorse and the teen riders all had another party.
<ITEM> Welcome gentlefolk to the internet’s first, last and only comics podcast…SILENCE! with your decrepid hosts Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die. No-one make any sudden moves and it should all be okay.
<ITEM> Come one, come all to the hallowed fields of ADMIN, with a healthy dose of Sponsorsize (featuring GOSH! and Dave’s Comics), a bit more Geesin Bros love and a surprising lack of deviations and whimsical meandering. There must be something in the air.
<ITEM> What’s that peeping out through the clouds? Why it’s only the flipping Reviewniverse, and wearing it’s special trousers as well! Hello big fella! A bumper crop of comics as well, and a shocking level of syncronisation from the boys reading patterns. Anyone would think they were beginning to get their shiz together after 146 episodes. In the sights this week All Star Section 8, Midnighter, Constantine, Omega Men, Batman, Bizarro, Injection, Crossed 100, Saga, Blubber, It will All Hurt, Nameless, Captain Avengers and the Mighty Americas, the f*cking Carol Corps?!, 21st Century Tank Girl and more.