September 15th, 2015
I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE, WHERE’D YOU GET YOURSELF THOSE PANTS?
<amusing> BLURB </amusing>
Welcome to SILENCE! the internet’s answer to breathing. YOU NEED THIS. Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die will hold your hands all the way. Trust us. YOU NEED THIS!
<ITEM> You’re looking down the business end of two barrels of admin son, so you’d best get your stuff together and get ready for some Sponsorship, a bit of Mike McMahon, some Thought Bubble 2015 promo and the whole fandango
<ITEM> The Reviewniverse is it? Is it? Well? Is it? Well okay then. So be it. Included: These periodicals: Headlopper, Batman, Deadly Class, Over The Garden Wall, All Star Section 8, Sammy Harkham’s Crickets, Rick & Morty, Siege, Ms Marvel, Mercury Heat and Phonogram.
And that’s your SILENCE! Now choke on it!
You can support us using Patreon if you like.
August 11th, 2015
LIKE A PIG PULLING A CARTLOAD OF SAUSAGES, I DRAW MY OWN CONCLUSION
Blurb, man’s oldest friend.
Since time began it is blurb that has kept us warm, fed our children, bought our shoes, made us dance, laugh, cry and win prizes. Every day we take blurb for granted but no one truly knows what it is. Blurb, science’s last great mystery. As we discover more about our universe, it’s easy to feel there are are no mysteries left. We can put man on the moon, build robots that cook dinner and teleport to Kent but we are no closer to understanding blurb now than we were in the Flintstone age.
No point in bothering to figure it out when you consider all that, is there?
<ITEM> Here we go with another issue of SILENCE! Listen… yeah, that’s it… wait for it… the beat’s gonna drop… any second now, turn it up… here it comes… it’s sick when the beat drops… hold on… oh, sorry.
<ITEM> Lose your shit to our self deprecating chat including sponsorshunt, Safari Festival, Portslade Village Fete, Gary’s forthcoming BBC New Comedy Award performance (as Fraser Geesin), and SILENCE! The Film Has Started with the animated adaptation of Dark Knight Returns. Oh yes, and the Two Alans.
<ITEM> The Reviewniverse then beckons you onto the dancefloor to throw shapes alongside Dark Corridor, Kaptara, John Flood, Wic Div, This Damned Band, Airboy, Battleworld: Seige, Ms. Marvel, Death in Oaxaca, Black Canary, The Omega Men and Age of Reptiles.
<ITEM> That’s it really, apart from some Begging
You can support us using Patreon if you like.
June 23rd, 2015
Angela Grimcock grabbed David’s shotgun from out of the umbrella stand, adjusted her reading spectacles. and looked in the mirror. Running a calloused hand through her blue rinsed hair she checked one last time that she had a hankie tucked up her sleeve. She fished a warm Werthers original from her pocket, unwrapped it and popped it into her mouth. Then she unlocked the door to 43 Arkensword Avenue and stepped into the maelstrom.
Mr Grainger came first, lurching through her Begonias, his face contorted with rage. His skin was mottled purple and red, and his black, swollen tongue poked out of his distended jaw. From a tear in his argyle sweater a new eye swivelled and blinked furiously. He was holding the remains of Miracle, his once beloved Daschund in one lumpen fist, and the small dog’s head lolled and buffeted against his trouser leg. With a strangled scream he launched towards Angela; she raised the shotgun towards her neighbour and pulled the trigger. Mr Grainger caught the blast fully in the chest and he was backflipped smartly over the Begonias, and into the water feature. David’s tasteful Japanese water sculpture bubbled crimson as Mr Grainger, one-time head of the Rotary club and organiser of the Salvation Army jumble sale expired with a keening wheeze, like a whoopy cushion.
Out of the corner of her eye Angela spotted the Bishop boy sliding his way around into her yard. She’d never liked him ever since she caught him urinating on her herb garden as a 5 year old. Now, as his twisted body flipped and swivelled on new joints and three mouths snapped like castanets, she finally took her revenge. The first shot took his arm off at the shoulder and spun him like a top; the second caught him above the back of the neck and his his head disintegrated. Pieces of him dashed against the garden fence and his spasming body collapsed like a deflating bouncy castle on a warm summer afternoon.
“It’s going to be a long Saturday” said Angela, with a grimace. “And I don’t even have a blessed drop of milk in the house. Black tea – it really is the end!”
<ITEM>Strap on your big boy pants and stride into town, cos The SILENCE! van is here delivering delicious frozen podcasts to all the kiddies and neckbearded babymen!
<ITEM> Sponsorship of the most efficient kind, just the way you like it. No shilly-shallying or dilly-dallying.
<ITEM> Podcasts bruv, they’re a game of two halves bruv in’t they bruv? Into the hallowed grounds of the Reviewniverse we go, with The Beast doing a run down of screen-printed hipster fest ELCAF, and discussing Adam Cadwell’s Blood Blokes, Charles Forsman’s Hobo Mom, John Cei Douglas’ Show Me The Map of Your Heart, Rachael Smith’s I Am Fire and Darren Cullen’s Below.
<ITEM> …then it’s Gary’s turn as he talks up Dr Fate, Prez, Ms Marvel, Black Canary, Astro City and The Fiction.
<ITEM> That’s it. Drop some money in the collection on the way out.