April 15th, 2015



Lette me telle you a storye…let me weave you a dream

Come then gentlefolk, down the hitherymost further-far path into the faraway mistymost woods at the bottom of the garden. You’ll have to be quiet as the quietest church mouse and nimble as the most hop-skippety-jumping frog. Now close your eyes… do you hear those far away tinkling bells? Those bells that sound like tears on a drisly Wednesday evening? Those are the Belles of Gaiman’s Folly, tolling. Down the furtherymost farthest dingly lane in Gaimain’s Folly there’s a Magick Cheese Shoppe. On a dusty, musty old shelf in the back of the Cheese Shoppe, they keep all the faraway most forgottenest things…Christmas is kept their 364 days a year, as are childhood dreams and the first sweet taste of love. Would you like to go there with me gentle stranger? Would you?

Now do you see that doorway opening just out of the corner of your eye? Grab my hand and make a wish…wish for something sad and sweet and we will twirl you and I away from ths sadde world of grown ups and jobs and cares, and spin, spin merrily into the magickal realm of Gaiman’s Folly…come on let’s spin, and wish and spin and wishandspinadnwishwishwishspin…..

Wait, what the f*ck is that? A Tesco Metro? This isn’t Gaiman’s Folly, it’s Watford.

Oh well, I guess we might as well grab a King Size Snickers and a Chocolate Yazoo and settle down in this carpark and listen to the latest SILENCE!

<ITEM> Dancing in the disco, bumper to bumper, wait a minute where’s me jumper? HEY! BOBSY’s wearing it! That’s right Dear Listeners it’s one of those episodes where the intellectron levels of the podcast skyrocket, with dunderheaded Gary Lactus and dunderpanted The Beast Must Die scrabbling to catch up, dragging their proverbial knuckles through the proverbial dust…

<ITEM> Sponsorshenanigans, Breakdown Press’ Safari, Gary Lactus’ Brighton Fringe Show and the pure love of Point Break. Do you want to know more..?

<ITEM> And they’re off! Into the Reviewniverse and none of them fall at the first hurdle! Straight in with Nameless, Dark Star, Kaijumax, Surface, Albie Briggs, Event Horizon, Convergence, Batman & Robin, New Statesmen, God Hates Astronauts, Transformers Vs GI Joe, Jim Steranko, 2000AD, Descender, Disney Infinity, Jupiter’s Circle, Southern Bastards, Avengers Ultron, Batman Eternal, Copra and Dragon’s Claws.

<BONUS ITEM> Bobsy and The Beast review a comic they haven’t read and hasn’t been published yet…Black Widow! We’ll call this segment The Art of Reading Without Reading.

“And that was all” said the Dream Weavre.

“Goodnight comics”

“Goodnight Dear Listeners”

“Goodnight SILENCE!”


Click to download SILENCE!#138

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This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comicsof London.


March 24th, 2015




When comes the Borgunth? When comes Eigorrn, Lord of the Land of Many Eyed? When comes Scrotax the Elder Spanksayer? When come the Skalorg Sisters and their Chunthounds? When comes the Gargagrintz? When comes the Fire Puffin? When come the Knights of the Order of Panny? When comes the Scrandmaiden? When come the Prance-Mage? When comes the Gunt? WELL?? WHEN COME THEY???

Well they better get here soon, as I’ve laid on quite the spread. Scotch Eggs and everything. While we wait, what better way to kill some time than listen to Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die, the Chuckle Bros of the comics podcast stratosphere, as they usher in  To me, to you, to me, to you…

<ITEM> Sponsorshrooms grow in the damp, dark crevices of the admin section. Plus Stan Lee dildos? You heard it hear first true believers!!

<ITEM> Come on feel the noise. The noise of the howling empty void that is…The Reviewniverse! On the comics hot plate this week: Stray Bullets, Surface, Zero, Chrononauts, Loki: Agent of Asgard, Captain America and the Mighty Avengers, Mind MGMT, Batgirl, Batman Eternal and a bit of respect for Diana Schutz.

<ITEM> Sod your items! Clear out, and if you see Borgunth tell him the ginger beer is flat.

Click to download SILENCE!#136

Contact us:

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton. It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comicsof London.


August 26th, 2014



<ITEM> Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die are joined by very special winkiemate BOBSY! for this two-hour plus mega epic.

<ITEM> Gladmin, radmin anything to stop you being sadmin! Disney Marathons, dubbed franco-japanese cartoons, a musical life, Sponsorshunt, and hot sexy all the times more!

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse faces a triple harmonium-breach! Three happy boys taking in this mighty meaty stack: Multiversity, God is Dead, Grant Morrison and Alan Moore sitting in a tree Giant Haystacks Vs Big Daddy, Sandman: Overture, Goodnight Batman Good Night Gaiman, Stray Bullets, Sin City 2, Frank Miller, Big Guy & Rusty The Boy Robot, Geoff Darrow, Robocop Vs Terminator, Batman: The Cult, Give Me Liberty, Ann Raynd, Frank The Tank, Seven Soldiers, Sabretooth Swordsman, Brendan McCarthy, Dream Kings, DHP, Death In Oaxca, Ms Marvel, Haunted Comic, YOU the reader, Wicked & The Divine, White Bearded Babymen, Avengers Analogues, Kieron Gillen, Usagi Yojimbo, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons and comics, Hip Hop Family Tree, and the Cliff Richard/Hip-Hop Connection,

<ITEM>Gary Races Through The Rest: Daredevil, Mighty Avengers, Borrow or Nah, Secret Avengers, Batman Eternal, Justice Inc, The Saviors, and The Fade Out

<ITEM> Special bo-nutz feature: Bobsy’s Film Corner taking in the ageing flesh-mass that is The Expendables 3!

Three times the danger! Three times the thrills! Three times the smell of raw, rugged testosterone…it can only be SILENCE! 

Can I go now?

Click to download SILENCE!#112

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This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton.


August 14th, 2014



For my love, Gary Lactus.

I feel so disgusted and enraged sometimes,
When I think of you each night and day,
And when I see you, I see comics,
I love you more than words can say…

You’re so nauseating! This love is mature!
I can’t resist your graphic novels, it’s true!
The fat bearded baby-men and Neil Gaiman’s Lederhosen fade into shadows…
I am absolutely crazy for you!

Your soul is jaded; your heart is shrivelled,
And my heart is truly in your hands.
I could podcast and opininonate ’til life was done,
But YOU are the focus of my plans.

This soul tiredness is nauseating my love,
And for you, Gary Lactus, I thank Heaven above.

(And for your glans)

All my love, The Beast Must Die x

<ITEM> Some event-level admin, with discussion of Fraser Geesin Dot Com, Robin Williams, The Fisher King, Harmontown, Kojak, Magnum P.I., Tom Selleck The Ultimate Man, The Breakdown Safari Festival, SILENCE! LIVE at Thought Bubble 2014, Sponsorschism, and much much more

<ITEM> The two set sail for the pea-green cresting waves of the Reviewniverse, covering Bryan Lee O’Malley’s Seconds, Terminal Hero, the He-Man/ Fourth World connection, Captain Victory & The Galactic Rangers, She Hulk, Dark Ages, Bodies, Batman: Eternal, Thor, Superior Foes Of Spiderman and maybe a touch more on top

<ITEM> Waving goodbye, waving now, bye bye BYYYYYYE

Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 is having his nao-servos waxed and his QuinDrive sharpened  and will be back soon

Click to download SILENCE!#110

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This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton.


July 22nd, 2014



[ITEM] Yeah no shit The Beast Must Die isn’t here again, there’s a clue to why.

[ITEM] I don’t think they really do the whole [ITEM] thing any more, or have done for ages. How often do you actually listen to this podcast? That’s not even a song lyric….

[ITEM] Yeah no shit he’s really not here, so it’s fill in time on this the mightily new edition of SILENCE! #108!!

[ITEM] We start with Gary in conversation with the fabularious Colin Hoult, talking about several things comic, in all senses of the word. Colin is fucking excellent as you will hear so be sure to check out his personal website here, and if you one of those louche Brighton comedy guinea pig sorts go to his upcoming gig here. Random SILENCE! guest stars needing tents ROCK, so if you want to hear more from Colin and his camping ilk, be sure to say so in the comments below.

[ITEM] bobsy shows up, things get less funny, Colin’s wife arrives, Colin goes. How does Colin’s wife and the whole  professed  ’going for a jog’ thing match up, do you think? Was it all an elaborate lie to avoid drinking Gary’s cut price lager? Is ‘jogging’ a new euphemism for ‘shagging’ that those kids on tmblerr are using? The mystery deepens…

[ITEM] Before he has to go our three boyaboys talk about the recent Transformers vs. Action Force comic, the Tom Scioli one, we’re not dicks, and Transformersy stuff

[ITEM] Then it’s on to more comics of the strictly unfunny and very serious young man indeed type, as Gary and bobsy variously mention and harf-arsedly review a veritable shit-tonne of the cunts, including but possibly forgetting and in no particular order because the note-taking was very bad, Stray Bullets: Killers, Cap’n Dinosaur, 2KAD prog 1890, Batman Eternal, The Wicked + the Divine, The Life After, Decadence 10, Your Days are Numbered, the collected Spandex,  Copra, the collected Spacehawk, and possibly a couple of other things I’ve forgotten

[ITEM] It’s jolly hot though ISN’T IT THOUGH

[ITEM] I’ve quite a bad cough too, sorry if that breaks things up at all

[ITEM] That’s all really. Byeeeee! Enjoy SILENCE! #108

[ITEM] Bring back The Beast Must Die

Click to download SILENCE!#108

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This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton.


June 24th, 2014



(Extract from Gary’s Diary – a SILENCE! Romance by Aubrey Wilteringfust)

Gary Lactus is a celestial, gigantic and opinionated podcast host from space. His life is going nowhere until he meets The Beast Must Die, a male model-like, hirsute man with a passion for graphique novels.

Gary takes an instant disliking to The Beast and the prestige formatted and fully painted ways he learnt during his years in the internet.

However, when a Dear Listener tries to destroy Gary, The Beast springs to the rescue. Gary begins to notices that The Beast is actually rather half-witted at heart.

But, the pressures of The Beast’s job as a toilet attendant leave him blind to Gary’s affections and Gary takes up comics to try an distract himself.

Finally, when polybag-wrapped audio pan-handler, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 , threatens to come between them, The Beast has to act fast. But will they ever find the SILENCE! love that they deserve?

<ITEM> Admin, admin, who wants admin?? Gary unleashes his and Roberty Boperty’s new superteam  The Gents, featuring Poo-Lord, Slash, HotRod, JizzWizzard, Airblade / Blowhard and The Freshener. THEN the Beast discusses Strontium Dog: The Movie.

<ITEM> Additional Quizzlertron content from listener Tam, so the boys tackle their favourite comic book violence, featuring Zenith, Simon Bisley, Lobo and The Walking Dead

<ITEM> Finally, the duo slip slide into The Reviewniverse and take on Simon Hanselmann’s Life Zone, The Wicked & The Divine, MPH, Original Sin, Batman Eternal, Silver Surfer, Thor: God of Thunder and TMNT: Turtles In Time. Plus Gary looks into the wonders of Marvel AR, the Beast has a rant about Spoiler, and their is a discussion of comic book movies including Turtles, Dick Tracy, Mario Bros, The Shadow and The Phantom.

NO MORE ITEMS. So get back to work you slovenly apes.

Click to download SILENCE!#106

Contact us:

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton.
It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.


April 29th, 2014



And what costume shall the poor Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 wear
To all tomorrow’s SILENCE?
A hand-me-down dress from who knows where
To all tomorrow’s  SILENCE

And where will Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 go and what shall Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 do
When SILENCE comes around?
Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 will turn once more to Sunday’s clown
And cry behind the door

Yes, it’s that time when the party goes sour, when the brave and the beautiful have gone home, or on to wilder more fabulous parties, and all that’s left is the desperate dregs and the too far gone. The man that no-one knows who smells of milk. The broken, the twisted and the boring. And Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die of course, sat in the corner pretending they have a podcast, shouting at the wall, laughing, singing idiotic jingles about imaginary people and talking, talking always talking.

Time to go home.

<ITEM> Admin time, with Batman Eternal, start at the middle, Hollyoaks vs Game of Thrones, Dinner Dance on Douglas Mountain, jingles and PREMIUM BONUS CONTENT.

<ITEM> The 100the anniversary self-congratulations continue with another gruelling session of The Quizzlertron! Think that scene in Clockwork Orange, but no-one’s wearing any clothes and there’s a lot more comics lying around. The ramblings include: Image comics jam session, De LA Soul’s Fallin, Judgement Night, Jack Kirby and Bernie Wrightson, The SILENCE Comic, Brightonandhove, The Secret Origin of Silence, Young Love, Fame, The Full Gronch, Penis Fancy Dress, Joe Sacco vs Frank Quitely HOTTTT, 2000AD Prog 626, Frank by Jim Woodring, Dave’s and Gosh, Micronauts, ROM, James Stokoe, The homo-eroticism of Johnny Alpha, the hunkiness of Rogue Trooper, Rob Liefield on Wireheads, Fantasy 2000AD, 21st Century Tank Girl Kickstarter, Geoff Darrow & Pat Mills on Flesh, Vincent D’Onofrio, Ryan Gosling, Claire Balding, Eric Stoltz, Steve Gerber, jack Kirby’s Fourth World, 1986, Little Nemo, Krazy Kat, Gleat, Machines taking over, and so very much more.

<ITEM> A brief dip into the Reviewniverse to talk about Evan Dorkin’s excellent Eltingville Club, then it’s home for tea and biscuits.

So stop grubbing aound those ashtrays looking for stub-ends, stop mine-sweeping those half-empty beercans, and plonk yourself down next to Milk guy for a nice listen to…SILENCE!

Click to download SILENCE!#101

Contact us:

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton.
It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.


April 21st, 2014



Happy Birthday to SILENCE!

Happy Birthday to SILENCE!

You look like  a monkey

and you smell like…Brian Blessed’s beard…?

I think that’s how the song goes anyway. It is the return of original and best of the Narratorbots, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735! No fractal distillations of self, or parallell versions, just the real motherboard-flipping deal. Back to celebrate 100, 000, 000 episodes of reality’s most beloved poddlecaste, SILENCE! What once was a mewling, quivering babe, is now a stooped and saggy old man, with low slung testicles and a shuffling gait. And it’s all because of you enabling those two Radio Hams Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die in continuing to fool themselves into thinking the world wants to hear their unwelcome opinions. So congratulations dear listeners. this is all your fault.

What we need is an intervention.

<ITEM> As a special 100th birthday reward, The Dear Listeners have provided the twosome with a list of questions. You can guarantee that the important issues of the day will be cogitated over, digested and thoroughly dissected… there are so many quizzlers that we JUST HAD to call this Step Into The Quizzlertron, part 1! Comics Dialogue – John Ostrander, Del Close, Garth Ennis, Chris Ware, John Wagner, Wolverine deathcamp, Danny Beastman & Gary Lactenberg – where are we now?, Alex Ross, American Horror Story, Superhero movies, Jeff Goldblum, Gary eating eggs, Dr Strange movie – Burt Reynolds, Sam Elliott, Widescreen comics, Samuel L Jackson, Beano, Dennis The Menace, Early comics memories – missing Knight Rider tied to a tree, 2000AD, Ro-Busters, Secret Wars, Dredd mug, Flaming Carrot action figure, Comics day breakfast, Bob-Z, Ronin, Fantastic Four, Stan The Man Lee making breakfast, James from Twin Peaks made of plastic, Digital comics v analogue comics, Copra, indy vs superhero, Flaming Carrot, the rules of writing questions, Synth pop, Nu-Rom Antics, Lemmy, Keif Llam and so much more…

<ITEM> A sideways crab-like slide into the Reviewniverse to uncover the contemporary delights of Doop, Batman Eternal, weekly comics, Avengers Undercover, Stray Bullets, Auteur, Starlight

And this is just part 1! Aren’t you EXCITED? Couldn’t you just SCREAM?

Well go on then.

No-one’s listening.

Click to download SILENCE!#100

Contact us:

This edition of SILENCE! is proudly sponsored by the greatest comics shop on the planet, DAVE’S COMICS of Brighton.
It’s also sponsored the greatest comics shop on the planet GOSH! Comics of London.