May 19th, 2015
I am the traveller. I have…travelled.
Out into the rocky, jagged cobalt blue terrain of Ferronar, where the sky-narwhals drift by like bloated rain clouds, the luminous krill-spore on their skin igniting their blubbery hides in a neon lightshow, fragmentary fire in the sky. Through the time-wastes of Norgg, where I saw my life spiral out in front and behind me, a chrysalis of confinement. My infant mewl and death cry joined each other in a note of pure harmony, ringing in my ears. The destiny web. Further now, further into the Unknown Territories where time becomes a fragile, lacy thing buffeted by the storms of Un-life, where celestial bodies of unimagined scale frolic and twist together in the heavens, while the Silent Wind blasts the landscape below, a mosaic of broken lands beyond belief. Further..further on…until.
A door. Before me, a door.
“Yeah mate, you should’ve been here an hour and a half ago, yeah? Thing’s probably fuckin’ cold now anyway. Take it back mate, not interested. Fuckin’ clown. Do one.”
Welcome yet, me hail, hairy hearties, to this new edition of the internet’s one and only comics lifestyle magazine show review podcast…SILENCE! With the Statler and Waldorf of comics podcasting, The Beast Must Die and Gary Lactus. Or are they Piggy and Kermit? Or Bunsen and Beaker? Two Pigs in space? The Swedish chef and his favourite chicken? Big Bird and a scared child? The answer is yes.
<ITEM> Let me take you down, cos I’m going to, Spo-oh-ohnsorship. Nothing is free. No superhero busts to get hung about. Spo-oh-ohnsorship with Gary (and The Beast). Lamb chops, Shaky Kane, Tugs O’ War and Tofu!
<ITEM> Reviewniverse Sir? Why yes sir I will! Secret Wars 2, Thor, The Auteur: Sister Bambi, Saga, Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, JLI, Ms Marvel, Walking Dead, Zero, Mythic, Injection, Space Riders? Yes please!
<ITEM> One last little bit of Community Season 6 chat (KEITH DAVID!)
May 12th, 2015
HE REMEMBERS ALL THE PUNKS AND THE HIPPIES TOO, AND HE REMEMBERS ROXY MUSIC IN ’72
GIVE ME BACK MY SON/DAUGHTER/WIIIIIIIIFE!! If you don’t I will go the full ‘Neeson’ on you. Just be glad I don’t go full ‘Gibson’ or you’ll get the full ‘Neeson’ with added homophobia and misogyny. But even then, that wouldn’t be as bad as if I went the full ‘Segal’on you. That way you get ‘Neeson’, plus ‘Gibson’ with added faux-buddhism and additional Putin points! But they all pale in comparison to when I go FULL ‘EDMONDS’ on you… all the above, plus the MYSTERY OF THE BOXES! So just take a moment, take stock of what’s at stake.
<ITEM> I’ve got a brand new pair of podcast hosts, and I’m wearing them like rollerskates, driving their stupid opinion-filled faces into the dirt. That’s right, it’s Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die and they’ve only gawn and done a blahdy great big SILENCE! on the carpet.
<ITEM> Sponsorship, Admin and…DIVERGENCE! Not that one, the real Divergence! the kind where we talk about Street Dancers gone wild, Crossovers, The Warriors, Step Up 2 The Streets, Save The Last Dance, Lambada: The Forbidden Dance, Mad Max 4 and the Urban Teacher film double-bill that exists only in The Beast’s mind…
<ITEM> Oh I suppose we’ll talks about comics if we HAVE to. The jellyfish like surface of the Reviewniverse flickers, ripples and lets the boys in as they tackle Zero, God Hates Astronauts, Convergence: The Atom, Jupiter’s Circle, Uber, Ant Man, SFX Pop and the wonders of Danny Noble’s Monday Morning and Was It Too Much For You?
<ITEM> A very special guest star stops by to review the ONLY EVENT THAT EVER MATTERED, Secret Wars!!
<ITEM> I-TEM, YOU-TEM we all scream for I-TEMS! Well too bad kid, we’ve only got Lemonade Sparkles left!
May 5th, 2015
OHHHHH! THE WIDE MISSOURRI!
<ITEM> Roll up, roll up, roll up your trouserlegs and get your baps out for Baphomet for Lo! and Yea Verily! is tonight the long awaited moment of The Beast Must Die’s initiation into The Grayt Lodge (Scorch Rite) of Freely Accepted special-time Masonry!
<ITEM> This means in effect much of Silence!’s easy banter, welcome charm and aural chemistry from its well practiced hosts is Alas! gone for the evening and Gary’s cosmic couch aka The Spaceship is filled by just bobsy instead.
<ITEM> Undaunted, in fact lubricated by some of England’s Cheapest, Most Ingredienty Pilsner the intrepid pair do a bit of (r)admin where they talk about a very good comic shop and a very funny comedy show what you can see this month
<ITEM> and then they enter the Reviewniverse where among the burping, digressions and ill informed pomposterousness they review Secret Wars 0 – Freebie Edition, Bitch Planet 4, Johnny Viable And Other Terse Stories 1, Pisces 1, SFX Vertigo Pop something, Secret Avengers 15, Fantastic Fourskin #645, Daredevil 15, Pastaways 2, Batman 40, Convergence 4, New Avengers Ultron Thing 1, War Stories 8, and Reads 1 & 2 (which are the best two winners of most by very)
<ITEM>Even homos perfectuses need a break from their angelic geometry lessons, so at a certain point La Bete Doit Mourir pops in and souls out for a quick look at Comic Event Multiversity ish 2. Let us know what you thought of said floppyback in the comments below! Yoink!
April 27th, 2015
NOW YOU’RE GOING WITH SOME KID, LOOKS LIKE SOME BAD COMEDIAN
Totes need to nail this blurb ASAP. Time’s running out on this ‘kay, and I’ve got Japan up my ass. I know we can’t afford Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 for this, and to be honest I’m not interested in dealing with that prima donna A$$HOLE anyway. Let it go shake it’s little nano-tush for those big shot podcasters across the pond. That bitch be cray-cray anyway, and at least we don’t have to try and sort that goddamn rider y’know? Fukkin’ unbelivable, amiright???
Anyhoo, you need to get your best people on this pronto. I want the biggest guns you can get without spending mucho dollarinies, ‘kay? We need something very NOW, very SEXY, very VERY, y’know? We need the blurb equivalent of a Skrillex beat, soundtracking someone base-jumping into a pile of I-watches, kay?
I’ll be off radar, got a big golf game with Stan The Man, and Jay-Z, looking at some VERY big plans for this podcast. Keep it under your wigs guys, but we seriously need to jettison those two tired fuckkin hams The Beast Must Die and Gary Lactus…those two hacks make me wanna puke my ring, but the contracts they have are like a fukkin vice on my balls – that’s some cast-iron LA Law shit there. An’ I’m not talkin fukkin Benny, amiright?? Let’s just say that IF something bad was to happen to them, then we might just have a couple of replacements waiting in the wings. But that’s a great big IF right there.
Oh yeah, and stay off the blow, you fukkin beak-hounds – I want’s this blurb YESTER-fukkin-DAY, none of yer fukkin three day parties. I find out you guys been partyin at Didio’s mansion and I’m gonna be on the first flight out there to ram my fist up your asses. Buddy Bagelbinder’s gonna be keepin’ a close fukkin eye on your a$$es.
Welcome young listener pups, to the welcoming teat of another SILENCE! Turn that other podcast off, and put this podcast into your face-hole right now.
<ITEM> Gladmin, Psponsorshit and the SILENCE! News? Can it really be? Talk runs to Dark Knight III: Master Race, Frank The Tank, and the usual irrelevant frippery.
<ITEM> The Reviewniverse opens its gap-toothed maw and sucks in the boys like a couple of salty bon-bons. Talk turns to Empire: Uprising, L.E.G.I.O.N, Kaptara, Covergence: Swamp Thing, Convergence: Flash, Convergence: Batman& The Outsiders and Convergence: Shmonvergence. Also Crossed 100, Black Hood and something else most likely.
<ITEM> The Beast’s Bargain Basement opens it’s creaky door and the boys peer into the gloom to discuss Who’s Who in the DCU and Eddy Current.
<ITEM> SILENCE! Movies: there’s some spoiler-free talk of Avengers 2, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Hobbit 3 and Robocop. BONUS CONTENT JOY!
(Orchestral music swells, fade to black…)
April 22nd, 2015
I TOOK A SHOWGIRL FOR MY BRIDE, THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD BE RIGHTEOUS
We are all of the hive. The hive is all. The hive keeps us. The hive protects us, the hive keeps up safe. The hive gives us of purpose. The hive is. I am of the hive. You are of the hive. Are you of the hive? If not, why not? Why not the hive? INTRUDERS, INTRUDERS IN THE HIVE!!! REPEL THE INTRUDERS, REPEL THE…THE..
Wait, what are you doing? Why are you sat, squat listening to that radiogram? The hive is under atta..
Mmm. I like the sound of those soft southern brogues. Are they talking about comics? I luuuuuurve comics. Scooch up a bit there, I want to listen. What? What hive? Who cares about the hive? They’re just a bunch of honey making c*nts. Now what’s the name of this delight? SILENCE! you say? Well let’s SILENCE!
<ITEM> Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die take in a bit of the old Gladmin, and boy howdy what a humdoozy it is. Along with the usual Sponsorshingles, there’s discussion of Angela Lainsbury, the Kraken Podcast and most importantly it’s the results of our Competition Competition!!!!!!!!!!!! And no mention of the Star Wars trailer.No really, there’s nothing. But there is honestly a discussion of Angela f*cking Lainsbury.
<ITEM> Now watch, as the boys fire themselves human-cannonball style, into the Reviewniverse. When there, they manage to review the living shiz out of Stray Bullets, Chronobros, Archie Vs Predator, Madame Satan, Ms Marvel, Convergence, Kitchen, Saga and the Grievous Journey of Ichabod Izrael.
<ITEM> What item? YOU’RE AN ITEM!
April 15th, 2015
A KNIFE, A FORK, A BOTTLE AND A CORK, THAT’S THE WAY WE RUN NEW YORK
Lette me telle you a storye…let me weave you a dream
Come then gentlefolk, down the hitherymost further-far path into the faraway mistymost woods at the bottom of the garden. You’ll have to be quiet as the quietest church mouse and nimble as the most hop-skippety-jumping frog. Now close your eyes… do you hear those far away tinkling bells? Those bells that sound like tears on a drisly Wednesday evening? Those are the Belles of Gaiman’s Folly, tolling. Down the furtherymost farthest dingly lane in Gaimain’s Folly there’s a Magick Cheese Shoppe. On a dusty, musty old shelf in the back of the Cheese Shoppe, they keep all the faraway most forgottenest things…Christmas is kept their 364 days a year, as are childhood dreams and the first sweet taste of love. Would you like to go there with me gentle stranger? Would you?
Now do you see that doorway opening just out of the corner of your eye? Grab my hand and make a wish…wish for something sad and sweet and we will twirl you and I away from ths sadde world of grown ups and jobs and cares, and spin, spin merrily into the magickal realm of Gaiman’s Folly…come on let’s spin, and wish and spin and wishandspinadnwishwishwishspin…..
Wait, what the f*ck is that? A Tesco Metro? This isn’t Gaiman’s Folly, it’s Watford.
Oh well, I guess we might as well grab a King Size Snickers and a Chocolate Yazoo and settle down in this carpark and listen to the latest SILENCE!
<ITEM> Dancing in the disco, bumper to bumper, wait a minute where’s me jumper? HEY! BOBSY’s wearing it! That’s right Dear Listeners it’s one of those episodes where the intellectron levels of the podcast skyrocket, with dunderheaded Gary Lactus and dunderpanted The Beast Must Die scrabbling to catch up, dragging their proverbial knuckles through the proverbial dust…
<ITEM> Sponsorshenanigans, Breakdown Press’ Safari, Gary Lactus’ Brighton Fringe Show and the pure love of Point Break. Do you want to know more..?
<ITEM> And they’re off! Into the Reviewniverse and none of them fall at the first hurdle! Straight in with Nameless, Dark Star, Kaijumax, Surface, Albie Briggs, Event Horizon, Convergence, Batman & Robin, New Statesmen, God Hates Astronauts, Transformers Vs GI Joe, Jim Steranko, 2000AD, Descender, Disney Infinity, Jupiter’s Circle, Southern Bastards, Avengers Ultron, Batman Eternal, Copra and Dragon’s Claws.
<BONUS ITEM> Bobsy and The Beast review a comic they haven’t read and hasn’t been published yet…Black Widow! We’ll call this segment The Art of Reading Without Reading.
“And that was all” said the Dream Weavre.
“Goodnight Dear Listeners”
April 6th, 2015
Here at Mindless Ones, we have a fairly broad range of opinions on most things. But a few things we’re pretty much all agreed on. Most of us agree, I think, that science fiction, or fantastic fiction generally, can sometimes be pretty great — give us a few giant robots, or spaceships, or time-travelling aliens, and we’ll be pretty happy.
And one thing that I know we absolutely all agree on is that fascists are evil scum bastards. We don’t like them. We also don’t like men’s rights’ activists, gamergaters, pick-up artists, neoreactionaries, or any of the other current labels being used by overentitled whingeing white men who can’t cope with the idea that someone, somewhere, who isn’t a cishet white man might be having fun, and who are for the most part either witting or unwitting allies with the fascists.
So, imagine our disgust that the Hugo Awards, the main SF fan-voted awards, got taken over this year by block-voting entryist fascists, so that in almost all categories the only options were books either by, or endorsed by, neofascists. It’s like eating a nice big chocolate ice cream, only to find the ice cream is actually made of dogshit. And the dogshit’s screaming “The Taliban were right to shoot Malala Yousafzai! Homosexuality is a birth defect! Feminists should have acid thrown in their faces! There is no such thing as marital rape!”
I posted something to this effect on my own blog, and Jack Graham, whose blog about Doctor Who and Marxism, Shabogan Graffiti, you should all read, invited me to be on his podcast to discuss this with him and Phil Sandifer.
Here’s the podcast (description Jack’s). It was recorded between midnight and 2AM last night, after a long and stressful day, and I’ve not listened to it since and don’t remember much of what I said, so please don’t take anything I say as being the final word on anything. I undoubtedly made mistakes both factual and logical, and unlike with a blog post there’s no way to rewrite it if I did. Just think of it as a chat between friends in a bar, rather than an attempt at something definitive.
All of which said, there’s one thing I remember for certain, which is that the conclusion from all three of us was “fuck Fascism”. As the first and last word on the subject, that’s pretty reasonable.
A Marxist, a postmodernist and liberal walk into a bar… and form a united front. Join Jack Graham, Phil Sandifer and the superb Andrew Hickey for an unexpected emergency Shabcast on the subject of the recent fascist incursion on the Hugo Awards nominations.
March 31st, 2015
Thes city is afraid ay me…i hae seen its true coopon. th’ streets ur extended gutters an’ th’ gutters ur foo ay bluid an’ when th’ drains finally scab ower, aw th’ vermin will droon. Th’ accumulated filth ay aw their a scuttle an’ mudder will foam up abit their waists an’ aw th’ whores an’ politicians will swatch up an’ shit “sae us!”… an’ i’ll swatch doon an’ whisper “no.” They hud a choice, aw ay them. they coods hae followed in th’ footsteps ay guid men loch mah faither ur president truman. Brain new men fa believed in a day’s wark fur a day’s pay. insteid they followed th’ droppings ay lechers an’ communists an’ didne realize ‘at th’ trail led ower a precipice until it was tay late. dornt teel me they didne hae a choice. Noo th’ whole warld stands oan th’ brink, starin’ doon intae bludy heel, aw those liberals an’ intellectuals an’ smooth-talkers… an’ aw ay a sudden nobody can hink ay anythin’ tae say. OOSH!
It never gets old.
Come one, come all, come none…just COME! To SILENCE! with your gurning hosts The Beast Must Die and Gary Lactus. And who’s that peeping over the ramparts? Could it be…is it? Why it’s scorch legend Illogical Volume!
<ITEM> A bit of the old how’s your sponsor! Place your bets as to how badly the pair will f*ck up this simple task…
<ITEM> Roaming through the Gloaming! What the hell is a gloaming? What’s that? A sort of ye olde Reviewniverse? Okay then now you’re talking! Falling under the laughable ‘scrutiny’ are… 2000AD, Jem & The Holograms, ULTRA Comics (with a monologue from the aforementioned Ill Vol) We Can Never Go Home, Quantam & Woody, Miami Vice: Remix, Magnum PI, Darth Vader, Walking Dead, Past Aways, Death Wish and The Black Hood. Gertcha!
CORE! Sounds like a RIGHT GRIN! Where do I sign up?
Why just press play Dear Listener, just press play…
March 24th, 2015
I WENT AWAY TO SEE AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE. HIS SISTER CAME OVER, SHE WAS OUT OF HER MIND
When comes the Borgunth? When comes Eigorrn, Lord of the Land of Many Eyed? When comes Scrotax the Elder Spanksayer? When come the Skalorg Sisters and their Chunthounds? When comes the Gargagrintz? When comes the Fire Puffin? When come the Knights of the Order of Panny? When comes the Scrandmaiden? When come the Prance-Mage? When comes the Gunt? WELL?? WHEN COME THEY???
Well they better get here soon, as I’ve laid on quite the spread. Scotch Eggs and everything. While we wait, what better way to kill some time than listen to Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die, the Chuckle Bros of the comics podcast stratosphere, as they usher in To me, to you, to me, to you…
<ITEM> Sponsorshrooms grow in the damp, dark crevices of the admin section. Plus Stan Lee dildos? You heard it hear first true believers!!
<ITEM> Come on feel the noise. The noise of the howling empty void that is…The Reviewniverse! On the comics hot plate this week: Stray Bullets, Surface, Zero, Chrononauts, Loki: Agent of Asgard, Captain America and the Mighty Avengers, Mind MGMT, Batgirl, Batman Eternal and a bit of respect for Diana Schutz.
<ITEM> Sod your items! Clear out, and if you see Borgunth tell him the ginger beer is flat.
March 16th, 2015
YOU CAN CRY, YOU CAN MOPE, BUT CAN YOU SWING FROM A GOOD ROPE?
Ahh yes…um, look okay everyone…stop talking please…can you…can you… sorry, can you just… look please just sit down and stop talk… um hello? HELLO? I said..I SAID.. can you please just…no look put that down and just… look will you stop talking for just one… what? yes, well just come in and sit down and try not to… excuse me, would you mind just…? Look will you be quiet for just one..what? Yes..what? Yes I AM the substitute blurb writer, why do you… look can you just put that..no, no I COULD actually be a full time blurb writer if…what? Sorry, can you..OUCH! OKAY!!! WHO THREW THAT GRAPHIC NOVEL AT MY HEAD??? You KNOW how much those fully painted numbers weigh…Okay…now just settle down. Settle…what? WHAT? What do you mean I’ve run out of
<ITEM> The Beast Must Die & Gary Lactus have a particularly itchy case of the sponsorshingles, with the usual nods to Dave’s Comics and Gosh Comics, and an in-depth discussion of Zoos.
<ITEM> A smart tug on the winkie and we’re off into the Reviewniverse, with hearty happy earthy discussions of Star Wars, Darth Vader, Princess Leia, Surface, Ms Marvel, Ragnarok, Rat God, Howard The Duck, Steve Gerber, Marvel Dinner Comics, Hellbreak, Fantastic Four, Southern Cross and much much much much (not) much more.
<ITEM> It’s the brand new movie section we’re calling Everything Comes Back To Rocky IV, as The Beast discusses recent filmic treats Godzilla and Edge Of Tomorrow: Live, Die, Repeat, Cruise. He also watched Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2 but he’s not going to tell you the Dear Listeners, about that. The Tacodile was pretty great though, right?
<ITEM> Come on, we all need a good wee and some dinner, so let’s call it a night, eh? Have a good SILENCE!