Mindless Ones

I’ve done almost shit all blogging on this site. Plenty of comics and podcasts but only one proper blog, so when it came time to choose my classic post my decision was incredibly easy. Here it is, nearly ten years old. It’s gone a bit stale, iPods aren’t a thing anymore and there’s plenty more magnificent millinery and hamazing headgear not included here which I have discovered since. Ten years! We’ll all be dead soon…

Hello, Gary Lactus here. I’m just sitting at home enjoying an Excelsior lager and thinking about The King’s Crowns.

No one in the history of comics has ever come up with such consistently challenging head gear as Jack Kirby so I’ve trawled through a whole load of his stuff and identified the cream of the crop to share with you.

This chap is The Prime One from Kirby’s New Gods:

It’s a wonderful get-up reminiscent of Galactus’s but more rounded and less imposing yet a smidgeon more fancy. This whole outfit cries “ceremonial” with the sort of baroque stylings used by royalty to inspire admiration and awe in lesser beings like you.

This guy turns up in Mister Miracle #12:

Imagine you’d managed to give this happy chappy your phone number when you were drunk because you felt sorry for him and now he keeps phoning you but you’re too polite to tell him where to go. As Kirby helmets go it’s not the most daring or immediately exciting but wait…

A little man with a big head! Hooray! Perhaps you will meet up with him for a drink after all, just for the laughs.

Now here’s a jolly fellow…

He’s an unnamed New God. I love his ornate full-facial lattice-work crownoid thing. I also had to show you all this because it looks like he has a magical see-through scrotum filled with multi coloured balls which allows him to levitate. I suppose you’d need to levitate with a scrotum like that.

Here’s something for the fellas, straight from Kinky Kirby’s Pervy Pen. This is Lashina from Mister Miracle:

She’s dressed in straps which she removes and whips sailors with. It’s all very high fashion but I can’t really see it filtering down into the high street – but what do I know?

So far we’ve looked at Kirby’s helmets from an aesthetic point of view. I’d like to move now into the practical side of things. From New Gods , here’s the Black Racer:

I love the Black Racer because he is basically Death on skis. His helmet isn’t all that to look at but it does have an essential role to play :

Clever bit of helmet touching.

This lady is one of the Female Furies whose Terrific Tiara serves to reign in her Magnificent Mane. Without this piece of Masterful Millinery her Horrific Hair would Terrorise Terra Firma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awesome from Mister Miracle#8.

Here is an example of Kirby’s ability to see into the future. On this Fantastic Four #85 cover he predicts the coming of the personal stereo. I don’t know about you but I feel my life would be greatly improved if I could proudly sport one of these instead of the puny little white headphones of my I-pod:

In this issue, Reed Richards uses Doctor Doom’s time travel device to visit the future and comes back with the music of tomorrow for the whole family to enjoy. Johnny’s listening to Keane, Ben to Travis , Reed prefers Coldplay and Crystal’s chillaxing to some Enya. Sue is not present for this adventure as she’s at home looking after newborn Franklin, up to her ears in shit and tears. Lucky Sue I say.

Of course, sometimes Kirby Tech can malfunction. Observe:

From Forever People #8.

Now here’s a production sketch of one of the Galactic Bounty Hunters.

Now that’s the helmet of helmets, a Swiss Army helmet if you will. It has handles on the top! And there’s an aerial! I bet there’s nothing that thing can’t do although I’d also wager that the guy who has to wear it would give it all up for the ability to move his head.

This one’s just plain weird:

It’s like he’s got an M.C.Escher drawing for a head. Mind buggering (from the New Gods).

Alas, the time has now come to bring this article to a close. I hope I have opened your mortal eyes up to a whole new world of experimental fashion and that you’ll think twice (or even five times) about your sartorial options next time you’re off out for an evening of poncing about like a tit. I couldn’t possibly leave you, though without providing some sort of grand finale. I’d now like to present the Crowning Glory Award to Maximus The Mad. Look the fuck at this!

It’s huge and impossible and beautiful and judging by Maximus’s expression it’s quite comfy too! So, Maximus The Mad how do feel about being awarded the Crowning Glory Award?

Thank you Maximus and thank you Jack Kirby.

Just had to show you a couple of Kirby creations that didn’t make the list on a the technicality that they don’t wear helmets, they just have weird heads. This chap needs no introduction…oh go on then,

As you can see, it’s more of a cradle than a helmet. A cradle for a big headed baby man.

Poor Baby Man.

I love this guy’s indignant head and I love the look to camera that the Thing’s giving us.

So sorry MODOK and Magno-Man.